


Harley Quinn and Deadpool BFFs 5-ever

by TheLadySyk0



Series: take your daughter to work day [7]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Deadpool - All Media Types, Harley Quinn (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dick Jokes, Explosions, Family, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Found Family, Funny, Gay, Gen, Harley tries being a hero, Humor, Jokes, Misunderstandings, Multi, Past Abuse, Personal Growth, Platonic Relationships, Portals, Quantum Mechanics, SHIELD, The Joker is a dick, Walmart in Gotham, confused sports metaphors, death of minions, growing as a person, heroic business, machine guns, netflix, shield fucks up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2018-11-22 22:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 72,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11389257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: Deadpool travels to the D.C universe, meeting a miss Harley Quinn who has recently only barely survived a brush-in with the Joker. Wounded and in need of a friend, Harley accepts Deadpool's offer to come visit his universe. They quickly declare each other siblings, trying to figure out how to move on with their lives now that the title of "Villain" doesn't quite fit them any more.The Joker however isn't going to let something that's "His" go so easily. He is determined to get Harley Quinn back if only to kill her for good this time. Poison Ivy recruits Catwoman, Killer Croc and the Mad hatter to help her go after Harley. Batman and Batgirl follow to try and do damage control.Director Nick Fury is fucking sick and tired of random costumed weirdos popping out of portals and causing trouble. He would almost prefer Loki at this point. At least Loki never dressed as a bat. Who even are these assholes?Can Harley and Deadpool's new friendship survive? Or will they be torn apart in the clash between dimensions?(btw I'm including this as a part of the Take Your Daughter to work day series as how Spiderman and Deadpool got together and how Deadpool became involved in Ellie's life again)





	1. It started with a cruel joke

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy y'all! I shouldn't be starting a new fic with a thousand open ones already but I had to write this. I'll try to update semi-regularly.

The Gotham night was oppressively dark. Rain poured from the grey skies in great sheets, pooling in the dark streets and rushing down the sidewalks like a river.

Harley Quinn laughed as she cried, tears running down her cheeks and mingling with the rain that fell. She sat in an alley, curled around a stab wound that was steadily leaking blood. The lid of the dumpster she sat next to was dented from where she landed on it after falling from the window above it. 

She looked up at the warehouse window above her, the shattered glass marking where she had been pushed out. “Your brand a humor is a rough one mistah J.” She giggled and sobbed “ but Mothah always said a kiss with a fist was bettah than no kiss at all.”

She slumped onto the gritty concrete, blood seeping from the wound and into the puddle she landed in like red ink in water. In her dazed state she looked at the pink water and thought absentmindedly that it was a nice color. She smiled. “All and all…” She whispered to the alleyway “-far as deaths go this is pretty funny. Got that classic vaudeville vibe...”

“Bye puddin’” She gasped as she felt her arms go numb, maybe from the cold, maybe from blood loss, she really didn’t know at this point.“You was a real bastard.”

Suddenly like a finger poking through a sopping wet kleenex, the fabric of space and time ripped above her with a flash of electric blue energy just long enough for something red and screaming to streak through the opening.

The red blur howled as it fell to Earth. The thing fell to the edge of the roof, bouncing off the crumbling brick. It cursed as it fell from the roof, onto the fire escape breaking the metal as it went, bouncing to the brick wall opposite with a crunch.

“AH! FUCK! SHIT! CRAP!”

What Harley could now identify as a red-suited person peeled from the brick wall like a looney tunes pancake, before falling to the dumpster Harley just landed on, the weakened metal this time breaking through with his weight as the figure is dumped into the trash.

That was the funniest fucking shit she had ever fucking seen, and that’s not just the blood loss and the concussion talking.

A groan echoed from the inside of the dumpster before what Harley could now identify as a red-suited man clawed their way to the dumpster edge, their bones grinding against each other wetly, limbs moving in broken unnatural ways, blood dripping down the edge of the dumpster. “That was fucking stupid, but also really fucking cool.” Growled a low voice. His head was lolling off to the side, hanging in such a way that is was obvious he had a severely broken neck. He gripped his head in both hands and with a sudden ‘SNAK’ has tightly wrenched it back into place.

With his head properly back on the red-suited man noticed Harley bleeding in the alleyway. “Hey random chick in this random alley, what didja think of that?”

Harley grinned and huffed out a laugh. “Eight outta ten mista.” She coughed and reached out a shaky hand to give him a thumbs up “I gotta give ya points for a snazzy entrance, but the landing needs work.” 

The man looked at the blood around her “Ah shit random chick you don’t look so hot.”

“Ey fuck you.” Harley gave him a shaky middle finger, her vision was blurring. How long had she been bleeding like this? “I’m fucking gorgeous”

The man crawled out of the dumpster, landing with a sickening crunch of broken bones. They took one leg and stretched it out, bones snapping into place with an audible crack. “Hey I’m not dissing your looks, you’re obviously a very pretty lady, I’m just noting the obvious whole-dying in an alleyway thing.

“Tis’ but a flesh wound.” Harley coughed and laughed, her hand still clutched to her stab wound.

“Monty python, nice.”The man leaned down over her, her vision was blurred from the blood loss but she could clearly see the red mask, the large black circles around the eyes and the white eyes.

“What the hell.” Harley arched an eyebrow, be the effect was lost as she coughed and blood trickled down her lips “Are you some sorta ladybug hero?”

He laughed, a smile wide enough to be visible under the spandex mask. “Hey fuck you. I’m just your normal everyday neighborhood Deadpool, at your fucking service.”  Deadpool leaned down and gingerly put his arms under the blonde “And it would be my absolute fucking pleasure to take you, miss random ass clown lady, to the nearest hospital if you don’t mind.”

Harley hissed as she was lifted, her stab wound being jostled despite the man’s tenderness “Ah fuck no hospitals.”

The man, Deadpool or whatever, started to walk them out of the alley. “Why? Like I don’t blame you hospitals are fucking evil, but you obviously don’t have the healing factor I do.”

Harley huffed and threw up a hand, gesturing vaguely to her face “Uh hello? One of Gotham’s most wanted? I ain’t going to a hospital only to wake up with The Batsie at my bedside”

Deadpool looked down at her “Batsie? Also, Gotham?”

Harley gaped up at him “You’re IN Gotham numbnuts. Also you know, Batman. Gotham’s designated hero? Emo as shit? Darkness and all that bullshit?”

Deadpool snorted “Gotham. Batman. Sounds like it came from a thirteen year old edgelord’s slash fanfiction. ‘My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Batman and I live in Gotham’. Also What the fuck ‘Batman’? Why do heroes always name themselves after random animals?”

Harley snorted, her shoulders shaking where she was held in Deadpool’s arms. “Ain’t any better than your name. The hell even is a ‘deadpool’? A pool full of death? You sound like an emo lifeguard.”

Deadpool wheezed with laughter, Harley could feel his laughter from where she was pressed to his chest “My name is Ebony Dark’ness Deadpool, and I’m a lifeguard in Gotham city.” He squeaked out in a whiny falsetto.

Harley cackled and coughed “Oh lord! Mista-!” She laughed and grinned up at him, her white face paint streaking off in the rain, her eyes widened with some sort of realization “What can I call ya that’s shorter? ‘Mista Deadpool’ doesn’t seem to cut it.”

Deadpool shrugged as he walked “They call me the gangster of love.”

Harley giggled “I’m willing to bet a million smackaroos that nobody calls ya that.” 

“Shut up” Deadpool laughed and jostled her slightly “Fine. Call me D.P.” 

Harley bit her lip as she looked up at him, struggling not to laugh. She snorted. 

“What?” Deadpool asked.

Harley squeaked, a hand to her mouth as she tried her best not to laugh. She failed and with a burst of giggles she crowed “D.P. LIKE DOUBLE PENETRATION?”

Deadpool snorted “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you little pervert, laugh it up.”

Harley shook with laughter and rested her head against one of his broad shoulders “Well then how about Mista D?”

“Oh she wants the D does she?” Deadpool grinned and the woman in his arms burst into a new fit of high-pitched laughter.

“Stop makin me laugh!” She howled with laughter and clutched her sides “It ain't conducive to healing up a stab Mista D.”

“Speaking of which.” Deadpool looked up at the dingy grey street they were walking down “I have never been in this city before. Do you know where I can take you?”

Harley quieted her laughter, wiping a stray tear from her cheek “Hmmm...I do know a certain cheap motel that don’t ask questions.”

“The best kind of motel. Then by all means.” Deadpool bowed with Harley in his arms and she giggled again at that “Lead the way m’lady.”

Harley lead Deadpool to the worst looking motel he had ever seen, and he had seen a lot of them on his travels. The pink fluorescent lights that spelled the name “The Classy Inn” flickered and buzzed, some of of the bulbs had burned out, and Deadpool pointed out to Harley that the sign now read “The Assy In” which made both of them snicker like thirteen year olds.

A more than middle-aged woman sat at the reception desk, her badly dyed red hair in a beehive hairdo on top of her head a cigarette hung from her lip. She looked up at Harley who smiled and waved. “Hey Phyllis.” She greeted, blood trickling down her jaw. “Need a room.”

The woman took one look at Harley and sighed, throwing them a room key.

Deadpool brought them to the room number on the key, opening the creaky door surrounded by peeling paint and into the motel room. The room inside had walls that were perhaps once white, but had turned beige with age. Cigarette burns littered the comforter and through the paper thin walls they could hear the loud sounds of sex coming from next door. Harley squinted at the black mold on the ceiling and pointed out that it was in the rough shape of a dick. Deadpool agreed with her.

“Welp.” Deadpool shrugged “Looks like as good a place as any to ruin with blood stains.”

Deadpool deposited Harley on the bed as gently as he could, and went to the tiny bathroom for towels. He put one towel under her to keep the area at least approaching hygienic, he wet the other towel.

“Sorry in advance.” Deadpool whispered and began to clean the wound.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A GODDAMNED POGO STICK!’ Harley yelped before digging her teeth down onto her bottom lip to stifle a scream, her hands clenched into the filthy comforter “Warn a girl next time.” she hissed through clenched teeth.

“Sorry ah-” Deadpool suddenly looked up from his work, his eyes wide “Holy crap I never got your name.”

“HARLEEN QUINZEL!” Harley gasped as Deadpool continued to gently clean the stab wound “Also known as Harley Quinn!” She gritted her teeth as tears welled up in her eyes from the pain “NICE TO MEETCHA BUD.”

Deadpool shrugged “Deadpool, also known as Wade Wilson, also known as the gangster of lo-”

He stopped as Harley gently smacked the upside of his head “I already called bull on that last one buckaroo.”

Wade laughed, a small huff of breath “Yeah well I’m trying to make it a thing.”

Wade finished cleaning the stab wound, he took a tweezer from one of the pockets from his belt and retrieved the tip of what must have been a very large knife from the muscle. “Someone sure did a number on you.” He murmured, depositing the little bloody bit of metal on the bed beside them.

‘Yeah.” Harley whispered “My boyfriend has a really shitty sense of humor.”

Deadpool stopped his work to look up at her “Fuck.” He swore. “Planning on killing him after this?”

Harley shrugged and then immediately regretted it as the movement pulled at her wound “I dunno. This kinda shit happens more than it should.”

Deadpool sighed and fished into his belt pouches for his wound dressing kit, a little curved needle to sew up the flesh, a bit of surgical grade thread and some gauze. “Yeah well a stab to the gut seems like a pretty definite breakup.”

Harley gasped as tears burst forth. “Yeah! Yeah I guess you’re right!” She sobbed, her entire body trembling with them “I guess you’re fucking right!”

Deadpool shook his head “Aw no baby girl…” He scooted up to sit on the bed, picking up Harley’s head to set it in his lap. He ran his hand over her pigtails as she cried “You’re better off without that fucker, trust me.”

“I know…” Harley sobbed “I hate the bastard so fucking much.” she sniffled in his lap. “I’m just not sure how to live without him.”

Deadpool carded his hands through her blonde hair, tangled from being out in the rain. “Well fuck you’re doing it right now.”

Harley looked up at him, her eyes hazy with tears “Doing what?”

Deadpool shrugged and motioned around the dingy little room “Living. Without him. You have been living without him for-” He pulled out a battered iphone from a pouch to check the time, a little hello kitty charm swung from the device “at least forty five minutes now.” He looked down at her “It ain’t much but it’s a start.”

Harley smiled and Deadpool took that as his que to gently extricate himself from under her. He went back to her side and prepped his surgical needle, running a lighter across to sterilize it. “I’m not gonna lie…” Deadpool sighed as he put the needle to her skin “This part is gonna fucking suck balls.”

Harley ripped a piece of her costume and stuck it in between her teeth. She grit her teeth and breathed hard. She gave him another thumbs up. “Ready when you are mista D.”

 

Deadpool was right.

 

It DID suck balls.

 

Harley screamed, muffled by the makeshift gag. The comforter tore around her fists as she clenched at the bed. Deadpool worked as gently as he could, but there just was something about a needle and thread pulling at the skin. He remembered getting stitching himself up after bar fights before he got his healing factor. Shit isn’t fun. 

“You’re alright. Almost done.” He soothed.

Harley groaned and sobbed around the gag.

“Aaaaaand…..” Deadpool tied off the last stitch “Finito.”

Harley gasped and threw away the gag. “Holy fuck!” She breathed hard. Could you have GONE ANY SLOWER?”

“Hey.” Deadpool growled at her “I’m a little out of practice, but it was either slow and do it right or fast and do it wrong.”

Harley groaned and let her head drop. “Sorry for snappin’ mista D. That just hurt like a mothah fuckah.”

“I getcha.” Deadpool patted her side. “I warned you that it would fucking suck.”

Deadpool sat next to her and absently patted a few stray drops of blood clean with the already stained hotel towel. “Wanna get shitty delivery pizza and watch netflix?”

Harley grinned and put a hand to her heart dramatically “A man aftah my own heart!” She pretended to swoon, a hand over her eyes.

“What do you want on your pizza?” Deadpool asked as he searched the bedside table for a phone book.

“Pineapples!” Chirped Harley

“You fucking heathen.”

 

 

The time spent waiting for the pizza was spent bickering over what to watch on netflix as well as a heated conversation about whether pineapples belonged on pizza. They had dumped the mattress onto the floor and had used two chairs to raise the shitty comforter above their heads to make a fort. They had eventually decided on watching Lilo and Stitch and the television and the pizza box sat comfortably in their fort.

“But it’s a fruit!” Deadpool motioned disgusted to Harley’s slice of pizza, waving his own slice of pepperoni pizza for emphasis “It’s the wrong fucking food group! Also you can’t have something SWEET on your savory pizza! That’s disgusting. You might as well pour a tube of mini M&Ms on it.

“Oooo!” Harley seemed briefly smitten at the idea.

“Ew.” Deadpool tapped her nose with the tip of his pizza which made her giggle. The pizza left a little grease stain which Harley licked off“You are fucking disgusting. Just no.”

Harley twisted onto her back and raised the pizza above her reverently “It’s like one a those food combos that sounds disgusting but in actuality is fantastic.” She stuffed half of the slice in her mouth and continued to talk as she chewed “Like carrots and peanut butter, or french fries and icecream.”

“I think…” Deadpool seemed to consider her argument for a moment. “...That you’re gross.”

Harley snorted and threw a pillow at him.

Deadpool laughed and batted the pillow away, he lifted up half of his mask to take a bite of pizza and immediately regretted it when he heard a soft gasp from next to him. With the easy camaraderie between them he had forgotten that the woman next to him in the pillow fort was practically a stranger, someone who had never seen his face before.

He stiffened. How could be so fucking stupid?

He braced himself for the screaming, for her to scramble away and throw the lamp from the bedside table at him.

She didn’t though. She only looked up at him, her blue eyes gentle. “Ah fuck Mistah D.” She whispered. “Someone did a real numbah on you.”

She reached over and Deadpool instinctively shied away from her hand but she only laid a hand on the bottom part of his face. She rubbed a thumb down a particularly prominent scar.

She looked into his eyes and nodded “Fuck.” she murmured.

Deadpool nodded back at her. “Fuck.” he agreed.

“Can I ask what happened?” Harley asked with a slight frown “I mean you don’t gotta if you don’t wanna but-”

“I had cancer.” Wade answered automatically before shrugging “Well still do. Bastards promised to cure me but…They didn’t...” His voice trailed off and he couldn’t bring himself to finish. Harley nodded knowingly.

Harley slumped back down on the mattress, her hand still gentle where it laid on his face. “I can see that we’ve both been through some nasty bullshit.” She whispered. She sat up, hissing with pain for a moment as he new stitches pulled against her skin before looking into Deadpool’s eyes. She pointed at herself and then at him “See they made us what we are. Broke us apart and put us back together how they see fit. Like some fucking messed up jigsaw puzzle.”

She sighed “And I don’t think I wanna be the boring square I was before…” she smiled gently “But the way I sees it, the good thing about being broken is that you pull in all your pieces and get to rearrange yourself into something new.” She shrugged “Maybe even something better once you’re done.”

Wade smiled, a gently lopsided twist of his lips “I just got the best advice I’ve ever heard from a clown chick in a filthy motel room.”

Harley giggled before putting both hands together and bowing like a monk in a kung fu movie “Your training is complete young grasshopper.”

Harley laughed but the smile fell from her face quickly. “Um hey...mista D?”

Deadpool rested his face in his hands and looked over at her “Yeah?”

Harley pressed her fingertips together nervously and bit her lip “So we’re kinda close now and…”

Deadpool grinned and raised his eyebrows “You like me but in a pants-on type of way?”

Harley sighed with relief “took the words right outta my mouth.”

Deadpool shrugged “I really, really, don’t blame you.”

Harley growled and threw up her hands “Hey mista you stop that this ain’t about your looks!” She put her hands on her hips and glowered up at him “My last boyfriend was a clown that fell into a vat of acid thank you very much.”

Deadpool raised his eyebrows. “Is this the same one that stabbed you and then threw you out of a window? Because if so that guy just keeps getting better and better.” He added sarcastically.

Harley huffed “Yeah you gotta point Mista D…” She twiddled her thumbs and sighed “I just got someone else...someone who believes in me...even when I don’t really deserve it…” Harley ran a hand down a pigtail, her eyes sad. “Red’s always been there for me yanno? Even when I’m stupid and go back to Joker...she’s always there for me when I come to my senses…”

Deadpool hummed “...I get that…” He shrugged and brought his hands together himself “...Spiderman is like that for me sometimes...Like he’s given me way more chances then he should’ve… It’s nice to have someone in your corner that believes you can be better...even when you’re not so sure yourself.”

“Ooooo!” Harley put her hands to her cheeks “Spiderman! He sounds like a cute villain.”

Deadpool snorted. “He’s a hero actually.”

Harley’s nose wrinkled with disgust “But spiders.”

“I know right? But ‘Batman’ also sounds like a villain. A really bad villain, but a villain.”

“Touche mistah...Touche.”

Deadpool suddenly bolted upright with an epiphany. “Ok so I just thought of something crazy-”

“I love crazy.” Harley whispered with a grin and waggled her eyebrows.

Deadpool pointed from him to her “Ok get this, the similar humor, the matching color schemes…” Deadpool grinned under the mask “We can totally be like, brother and sister.”

Harley sat up with a gasp, her hands linking with Deadpool’s “That is the best idea I’ve evah heard! I’ve always wanted a brothah!”

“Hell yea!” Deadpool pumped a fist “I’ve always wanted a little sister! And not in the creepy hentai way!” He looked at her and she grinned “I’m not sure if I had a brother or not, writers keep messing with my backstory but I don’t think I’ve ever had a sister before!”

Harley grinned “My sistah was a total butt growing up, you’re already like, a million times bettah.”

Deadpool laughed “Come back to my universe with me then!”

Harley bit her lip in thought. “..It probably would be best to lay low until mistah J cools off. I would need to go back to the hideout to get my babies though…”

Deadpool reeled back “You mean you left CHILDREN with the guy that pushed you out a window? Are you serious?”

Harley glared at him, crossing her arms with a huff. “Do you really think I would leave a kid with that psychopath? No! I need to get my Hyenas, Bud and Lou.”

Deadpool smiled and pointed at her “Ah ha! I see what you did there. Like the comedy duo.”

“FINALLY SOMEONE GET’S THE REFERENCE.” Harley screamed “Nobody knows the classics anymore.”

Deadpool nodded knowingly “I feel your pain.” He rose from the blanket fort and brushed Pizza crumbs off his lap. “Well come on. Let’s get your babies.”

Harley arched an eyebrow and motioned towards her stab wound “Uh hello? Stab wound Mcgee over heah. Or did you forget already?”

Deadpool shook his head. “Nah. That’s why we gotta stop at Walmart first.”

 

 

In a dingy Walmart, a yellow-vested worker yawned and leaned against their cash register. Honestly why did this store stay open until 3am? They were beginning to doze off when something red streaked through one of the aisles.

They stood up, wiping their eyes. “Um...hello? Is anyone there?”

The same red thing zipped past in the other direction with an excited yell. The worker squinted down the aisle “Who’s there?”

With an ecstatic scream something barreled down the Walmart aisle. A red-suited man pushed a shopping cart with a red and black suited woman seated inside. Both of them wore tacky sunglasses stolen off one of the displays, the tags still dangling off them and the rhinestoned heart and star shaped lenses glinted madly in the light. About half of their entire stock of spray paint rolled around in the cart with the woman. Both of them were laughing maniacally.

“Hey kid!” The woman hollered at the cashier “You might wanna duck!”

The man pushing the cart, raised his feet one foot on the lower bar of the cart and one on the upper handle. He took a katana from behind him and raised it like a batter ready to swing.

The cashier yelped and ducked just as the man swung, cutting the cash register right off it’s stand and depositing it into the shitty shopping cart with a flurry of dollar bills.

“BYE NERD!” The woman yelled and flashed the peace sign as they sped out of the store.

The cashier held a hand to his chest. Was that Harley Quinn? Also who the hell was that dude? Some new Ladybug villain?

 

 

Deadpool knocked down the door of the hideout with the front of the shopping cart. Harley laughed where she sat in the Walmart cart, the end of a lollypop sticking out of her mouth as she grinned and pink rhinestoned sunglasses over her eyes, a boombox in her lap. She pressed the button and-

[ Fucking shit up sound track](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYzZ3fPCqFg)

“Hello theah boys!” Harley grinned as the minions froze in their places “We’re here to fuck shit up!”

Harley raised a small rocket launcher from the spray paint cans in the cart, clanking as they were knocked away. The minions yelped and began to run, streaming out of the building like cockroaches. Harley fired the rocket launcher with a manic high-pitched laugh, the rocket streaming out of the apparatus with a stream of smoke before exploding, the fire from the explosion casting a warm glow to the wide smiles on their faces.

Deadpool took out his machine guns, laughing as he fired into the ceiling, riding the shopping cart handles.

Harley’s hyenas were retrieved from a back room and Bud and Lou jumped into the cart and licked her face happily. “Oh babies!” Harley grinned and rubbed her face against their fur “Momma missed you!”

Deadpool wheeled them around the still partially burning warehouse. Harley and her hyenas laughed as they went, spraying the spray paint across the walls. Deadpool laughed and rode the shopping cart, a spray can of his own in the hand not currently holding onto the shopping cart. Harley painted devil horns on an oversized portrait of the Joker. Deadpool painted a couple of dicks across the walls. They stole a bottle of champagne and broke open the bottle and drank straight from it.

Harley watched the warehouse burn from where she was in the cart, her hyenas a comforting weight across her lap and Deadpool bracing on the handlebars behind her, he drank the last of the champagne bottle and threw it to the ground with a shatter. He hopped off the cart, Harley and the hyenas watching as he went.

He pulled a device from one of his pouches. He pressed a button and with a flash of light a blue swirling portal like the one he had fallen out of appeared before them, crackling with energy that cast a blue glow over everything in the area.

He walked towards the portal, turning back and holding out a hand. “Wanna come with?”

Harley bit her lip and looked down at the outstretched hand, her blue eyes shining in the bright blue light of the portal. She looked at the burning warehouse and then back at him.

“You know what?” Harley smiled, slow and wide. “Sure.”

She climbed out of the shopping cart and took his hand, her hyenas following as they stepped into the portal together.

 


	2. Shopping trip shenanigans and an uncouth criminal clown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley Quinn and Deadpool go shopping. Poison Ivy tries to find Harley Quinn before a certain clown prince of crime does.

Harley Quinn snorted herself awake, she yawned and stretched out her arms sleepily before stiffening with a strained yelp as the movement pulled on her stitches.

A large lump next to her covered with a Hello Kitty felt blanket jolted upright suddenly. “Ah Harley!” The blanket fell off of Wade’s concerned face, his blue eyes wide with fear. “What happened Baby girl? Are you ok?” He took her shoulders and shook them, Harley’s head swaying back and forth “SPEAK TO ME!”

Harley rolled her eyes and smacked Deadpool gently upside the head. “This ain’t my first ticket to the rodeo bub.” She waved off the concern “It’s just a stab to the gut! No Biggie! Gimme a cup of coffee and an aspirin and I’ll be right as rain!”

Deadpool gave her a flat look “that’s not how stabs work.”

Harley turned up her nose haughtily and flicked a pigtail over a shoulder “Comin’ from the guy that broke every bone in his body falling from an interdimensional portal last night? Ha! I’ve always taken care of myself just FINE when I get hurt!”

Harley kicked off the teenage mutant ninja turtles throw blanket covering her legs, pointing out her toes dramatically, her chin raised high and defiant. “You’ll see I’ll-” She took one step off the couch before her side seized up with pain, her legs crumpled with pain, she yelped  and-

Deadpool was able to catch her before she fell, an arm under each of her armpits.

Harley gave Wade a sheepish look, chuckling weakly. “Then again...it’s awfully nice to have someone around ta help a gal out…”

Wade picked up Harley gently and ruffled her hair fondly. Harley pouted, crossing her arms petulantly and he touched a fingertip to her nose. “Boooop!”

She snorted and batted away his hand. “Yea yea just don’t get too comfy carrying me around like some sort of princess. A girl has gotta have her pride yanno?”

Wade walked to the apartment kitchenette, Harley in his arms her bi-colored pigtails bobbing with every step. He brought her to a tiny breakfast nook, kicking stack of pizza boxes off one of the chairs, the oily cardboard falling with a dull clatter before setting Harley gently in the chair.

“Nah don’t worry I get it.” Wade crossed over to a pink apron hanging on a hook, putting on the overly-frilly garment without even a hint of shame. “It’s hard to ask for help, especially when you’re used to not being able to really rely on anyone but yourself. We’ll get you a wheelchair today so you can get around better without pain while you heal up.” 

Harley smiled at him. “That’s real nice of ya Mista D!”

Wade grinned. “Don’t mention it sis!”

Harley giggled, sitting up straighter and kicking her feet. Damn it was nice to have a big brother.

Wade took a bag of flour from a cupboard along with a bowl, he crossed the small kitchen to a beat-up looking refrigerator. He took out a carton of eggs and a bottle of milk, reading the expiration dates carefully. “Gotta be careful with people who can actually get sick” He explained to Harley offhandedly.

Wade hummed as he took out a bunch of various ingredients, cooking with well-practiced ease. Harley took the time to look around the apartment. They had gotten back late the previous night, Deadpool carrying her in through the window, both of them high on adrenaline from the stunt they had pulled in Joker’s lair and a dizzying trip through a wormhole.  They had settled in on the couch with a cup of cocoa each, watching a TV show called “The Golden Girls” that Harley didn’t have in her universe. Wade had gushed about the show until she relented, but Harley had to admit it was pretty damn good, that Sophia had a SAVAGE sense of humor. They had fallen asleep on the couch like that, snoring, cocoa spilling out of their unconscious hands onto the hardwood floor where Bud and Lou lapped it up happily.

The apartment was small, dim and dingy. It looked pretty cheap, and from what she could see through the window it was in a pretty bad part of town. Despite this, the apartment showed some conspicuous signs of effort being put into it. The kitchen table had long scratches and watermarks in the wood, but it had been cleared and wiped down. The fridge was old and dinged up and there was currently a shuriken sticking out of the side of the fridge holding a shopping list in place, but it was clean and someone had gone grocery shopping, recently even! I mean hell, even the pizza boxes had been stacked neatly before they were dumped on the floor to make room for her.

Harley was intimately aware of the disrepair that happened when one’s life and mental health was in chaos, however that also meant she was knew the signs of healing. The small things like a wiped off counter-top that can mean a big step in the right direction for someone.

“Yanno...” Harley began, eyeing a large mold stain on the ceiling, tilting her head to get a better look at it, was it shaped like a rabbit...or a dick? “I woulda said this apartment needs a woman’s touch...but to be honest it looks just like mine!” She laughed “I mean hell put a couple of bottles of vodka on the counter and it would be an exact replica!”

“Yeah booze doesn’t really cut it for me anymore…” Wade shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. “Which sucks because I used to like getting drunk. I buy some beer every once in awhile when I miss the taste but it does jack shit to be honest.” 

Wade began to expertly mix ingredients, stirring a large bowl of something. He looked over at his apartment thoughtfully. “And I know it’s not much but…” He smiled to himself as he stirred the batter. “Petey’s been helping me renegotiate my relationship with existence...it’s still a work in progress... but it’s getting better.”

“Oooooo!” Harley grinned at him, pushing her hands to her cheeks and kicking her feet like a child. “First you gotta Hero lookin afta ya -Spiderdork or whatever his name is and now ya got this Petah? You fucking stud you.” She winked and waggled her eyebrows

Wade’s shoulder’s tensed over the bowl of batter. “Crap.” he whispered to himself.

Harley’s eyes widened. “Oh. My. GOD!” She squeaked and kicked her feet faster. “YOU KNOW HIS NAME?? LIKE HIS REAL PEOPLE NAME?”

Wade glowered at Harley as he ladled a measure of batter into the frying pan “Alright first of all, Everyone knows our names so-”

Harley rolled her eyes. “Yeah but we’re villains...Or anti-heroes or whatever. Everybody knows our names and our fuckups. This is a HERO! Wade this is a big deal!”

Wade turned to her, grinning over his shoulder and popping a foot out like a 50’s housewife. “Ok I’m not even gonna lie it’s a big deal.” He  crossed the kitchen back to Harley and the pair of them linked hands, squealing together like a pair of pre-teen girls at a Justin Bieber concert. 

“Ok but like for real.” Wade stopped squealing for the moment and took one of Harley’s pigtails in his hand, maneuvering it under her nose like a mustache. “What do you want in your pancakes?”

Harley growled and bit the pigtail, pretending to rip it back and forth like a dog before spitting it back out. “Pineapples!” She chirped.

Wade gave her a flat look and Harley giggled. “No! I already let you ruin pizza you won’t get pancakes too you weirdo! Choose chocolate chips, blueberries, or plain, no other options.”

“Boo!” Harley slapped her hands against the table “This is inhumane! I demand a lawyer!”

“Too bad!” Wade put his hands on his hips. “Pancakes are sacred.”

Harley rest her head on the table with a pout before suddenly popping back up again. “How about Chocolate chips AND blueberries?”

Deadpool put a hand to his chest, reeling back with horror. “No! You’ve discovered a loophole in my system!”

“Ah ha!” Harley pointed a finger victoriously at the man “Blueberries AND chocolate pancakes! Make it snappy tootz!”

“Y-you monster.” Wade fake-wept, dropping dramatically to the floor of the kitchen.

A couple moments of frying later, interspersed with bouts of fake crying on Wade’s end, the two of them were seated at the table, a stack of plain pancakes in front of wade and a couple of thick fat monstrous blueberry and chocolate pancakes in front of Harley.

“This is amazing!” Harley groaned through a bite of pancake. “It’s both healthy and bad for you at the same time!”

Wade shook his head slowly. “Why. Just why.” He rolled a pancake into a tube and shoved it down his throat, swallowing the pancake whole in an unintentionally (intentionally?) lewd gesture that would kill a lesser man. Harley tried to copy the action but only managed to smear chocolate and blueberries across her face.

“Goddamn” she coughed up chunks of half-chewed pancakes “Your game is just too strong. You must be great at parties.”

Wade waggled his nonexistent eyebrows and gave Harley an ostentatious wink. He brushed some crumbs from his mouth and handed Harley a napkin. “Alright first order of business it to go shopping, because my dresses are too big for you and you need some things that aren’t bloodstained.”

Harley shrugged, looking down at her current outfit consisting of a large borrowed t-shirt of Wade’s reading “FBI: Federal Booty Inspector” and a pair of boxers with little black and red masked faces. Wade explained earlier that they were Spiderman masks and Harley at that moment, realized just how far gone her newfound brother was over this dude.

Harley shrugged “I don’t need anything fancy but I guess I will need a coupla things since I’ll be staying a while.”

Harley got dressed, borrowing one of Wade’s favorite red skirts (a flirty little number on Wade but went passed Harley’s knees on her) as well as a tank top, her regular black boots and one of Wade’s Spiderman hoodies, the sleeves of which went over her hands like kitten paws.

Wade retrieved a beaten up wheelchair from a side closet and helped Harley into it gently. He mussed up her pigtails fondly once she was situated, she batted away his hands with a snort. Wade put on another large hoodie, pulling up the hood to hide his face. “People get a little screamy and vomit-y when they see the face. It’s just easier this way.”

Harley looked up at him, frowning. “Sorry people are dicks Wade. If anyone screams I’ll run them over with my fucking wheelchair.”

Wade snorted. “We should put spikes on the front. Also do you mind if I push you?”

Harley nodded “I don’t mind.”

Wade took the handles and began walking out of the apartment. “Awesome. It’s polite to ask yanno?” He locked the door, a Hello kitty charm swinging from his keys.

They took the bus. Wade took great pains to hide his skin, pulling up his hoodie and tucking his hands into his his pockets whenever he could. The bus driver gave them an astonished and appalled look when Wade had to reveal his hands momentarily to pay the bus fare, his eyes following them as they moved into the bus, strapping down Harley’s chair into a handicapped placement. Wade put his hands back into his pockets, hunching over himself as he sat next to Harley in the bus.

Harley looked over at him concerned “Hey.” She whispered “Are you ok?”

Wade’s leg wiggled nervously and he buried himself more completely in the hoodie. “M’fine.” He murmured, slumping into the seat.

Harley rolled her eyes. “You obviously aren’t fine.”

Wade looked nervously at the other patrons, squeezing himself into the wall of the bus to make himself as small as possible. “I just feel like everyone is looking at me.”

Harley hummed, thinking for a moment before her eyes widening with realization. “Oh I know!”

Wade was about to ask her what she decided, or what epiphany she came to, but never got the opportunity to because for the remaining duration of the bus ride Harley Quinn became the absolute most obnoxious person on planet Earth. Considering that Deadpool had currently occupied that position until that very moment, that was saying something. She played music on her phone loudly, snapped bubbles in her gum, flirted with every person who walked past her and told a series of crude jokes to a variety of passengers.

Harley leaned over to an elderly woman in the handicapped seat across from her. “So what did the blind man say every morning when he passed the fish market?”

The owlish old woman adjusted her glasses and peered over at Harley. “I don’t know. What did the blind man say every morning when passing the fish market?”

“Good morning ladies!” Harley snickered.

The old woman put a hand up to her mouth to stifle an amused snort while everyone else on the bus groaned, one mother put their hands over her child’s ears and glared at Harley.

When it was finally their stop, Harley waved goodbye to the long-suffering passengers, blowing kisses and kicking out a foot dramatically as she was wheeled out to the relieved sighs from every other passenger on the bus.

Deadpool snorted as he wheeled her down the street. “Oh my god that was hilarious, but also what the hell?”

Harley grinned up at him cheekily “I knew if I was enough of a schmutz everybody would be too busy glaring at me to look at you!”

Wade stopped “Are you telling me that you made an ass out of yourself that entire time, just to reassure me that nobody was looking at me?”

Harley shrugged “Well it worked didn’t it?”

Wade hugged her as best as he could with the chair in the way. “That is literally the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for me.”

Harley leaned back into his hold and patted his hands around her, smiling like the cat that got the cream. "Any time bro. Any time.”   
  


 

Pamela Isley, known in Gotham as Poison Ivy rolled over in bed restlessly, throwing her covers in her sleep and exposing the vines curling around her arms and legs like tattoos. She opened her eyes blearily,  the multitudes of hanging plants hung from the ceiling slowly coming into focus, their tendrils swaying from their pots. Looking at her phone she realized that she had slept in long past noon which was odd. Usually Harley would wake her up early in the morning by sending her something like a gif of a twerking panda, a rambling text about what sort of a person a pickle would be, or a link to an article from ‘Perspectives on Psychological sciences’ or another prestigious psychological journal with a note about how the author was a ‘complete idiot douche-ball’ who ‘couldn’t point out the parietal lobe of a brain on a chart if their dick was stuck in it’.

Pamela snickered to herself.

Harley’s flaky and energetic nature made it easy to forget that like Pamela herself, she too had earned a PHD and was highly respected in her field before her downfall into villainy. The circle of Gotham villains included a disproportionate amount of highly educated people, which really said more about the universities of Gotham, maybe the culture, maybe the tuition, than anything else.

Pamela frowned at her phone. Where was Harley? This wasn’t like her to drop all communication without so much as a warning. She knew that the little psychopath could take care of herself, she couldn’t have survived this long with Joker if she couldn’t, any lesser woman would have been killed 10 times over by now. Still knowing that someone you l-

Someone you l-

SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT VERY MUCH.

-was with the Joker, of all disgusting slimes, any lapse of contact was worth noting and worrying over. She couldn’t count how many times Harley had shown up on her doorstep, bloodied and bruised and swearing up and down that it was HER fault when-

If there is one thing that Pamela Isley will be certain to do before leaving this good green Earth, it will be to rip apart the Joker, slowly, deliberately, while inflicting as much pain as possible, and then to use his useless fucking corpse for fertilizer.

Her phone buzzed and Pamela was ecstatic for a moment, scooping it up before seeing that the text was from Catwoman instead.

 

Catnip: Hey Ivy! Tell Harley that I’m proud of her! That took a lot of guts and Joker is flipping his fucking shit.

Catnip: It’s hilarious.

Catnip: Though what the fuck was she thinking? She needs to run, and then keep running, and then run some more, Joker is fucking piiiisssed

Catnip: Also who the hell is that Ladybug guy?

Catnip: He was fucking hot tbh.

Catnip: Though someone needs to tell him that having a ladybug theme is a stupid idea. Was that your idea? Is he YOUR minion? Since plants and ladybugs kinda go together? If so you are worse than Hatter at picking outfits for your minions.

Catnip: And he dressed a guy as a walrus.

Catnip: A FUCKING WALRUS PAM. GODDAMN.

 

Pam glowered at her phone.

 

Pam: What the hell are you talking about?

Catnip: Oh shit.

Catnip: She’s not with you is she?

Pam: Tell me what’s going on or I swear to god I will go down there and strangle you myself!

Catnip: Kinky! Though you probably don’t want to be here right now. Joker is fucking livid.

Catnip: Iiiiiii’m actually really worried about Harley now that I know she’s not with you :(

Catnip: Like he’s even scarier than normal.

Catnip: And that’s fucking saying something.

Catnip: Here it’s easier to just show you. Get on Facebook I’m going to livestream this.

 

Pamela booted up the aforementioned app, a little notification telling her that a friend was streaming. The camera was shaky for a moment, being readjusted in Catwoman’s lap to be as inconspicuous as possible. The Camera was partially obscured by a row of seats in front of Catwoman which she understood couldn’t be helped without giving it away that Catwoman was streaming the event.

Rows upon rows of seats were filled with Gotham’s usual assortment of rough petty criminals interspersed with the more theatrical and and better known Lords and Ladies of crime. Pamela recognized Two-face in the crowd, sitting next to him was Scarecrow and Riddler who appeared to be having an immature slap fight like a couple of prepubescent boys. Jervis Tetch was also in the crowd, unmistakable with his ridiculous over-sized hat and overbite. The mousy blonde man immediately noticed that Catwoman was filming and waved.

Catwoman made a frantic gesture in front of the camera, something along the lines of -for the love of God Jervis fuck you for being so observant this is supposed to be a secret what the fuck don’t draw attention to this.

Jervis immediately grinned, showing off his large teeth and waggling his eyebrows. He took out his phone.

 

Hatter: :O Good evening ladies!

Catnip: For fuck’s sake Jervis! This is a secret livestream! Stop being conspicuous!

Hatter: :/ Well my dear, it’s not really a secret if it’s a livestream now is it? Also, none of us ‘friended’ Joker.

Hatter: He is quite frankly as Harley put it ever so eloquently- ‘A douche-ball of epic proportions!

Hatter: Hoohoo!

Catnip: Well that doesn’t mean you should draw attention to it! He would skin me alive!

KILLER CROC: HWY GUYS WHY R U LIVESTRWAMING?

KILLER CROC: LIVESTRAEAMININ?

Catnip: Take your time. 

Catnip: We don’t want you to pull a muscle typing.

KILLER CROC: IT’S HARD TO TYPR WITH CLAWS OK?!!

KILLER CROC: FUJK!!11!!!

Hatter: Now now my dear reptilian friend, bad words are for underachievers :)

KILLER CROC: FUK U DUDE

 

Poison Ivy ignored the idiocy going on in the chat, watching the stage in front of the villains. The lair seemed to be scorched in several places, the walls littered with crude phrases and dicks drawn sloppily with spray paint. A couple of rough-looking minions of the Joker’s worked diligently with a sponge and a bucket of soapy water, slowly scrubbing away messages reading “JOKER SUX” and “HARLEY QUINN AND DEADPOOL BFFS 5-EVER” that had been sprayed on the wall.

The Joker stalked back and forth on stage, stomping across the charred boards like he was killing cockroaches with each step. His face was drawn into a gruesome frown, his hair was falling into his face. A projector was on behind him, showing security camera footage of Harley Quinn being pushed around in a shopping cart by a mysterious red-suited figure, they both seemed to be having fun, giggling as they sprayed crude messages across the wall.

Oh Harley.

Oh Harley no… What were you thinking?

The Joker growled and raised a finger. “TWO MILLION! TWO MILLION BIG BOYS FOR WHOEVER BRINGS ME THE RED FUCKER’S HEAD ON A PLATTER.”

He turned around dramatically, the purple coattails of his suit fluttering. “AS FOR HARLEY I’LL GIVE YA FILTHY ANIMALS 4 MILLION!” He leaned towards the audience menacingly, his back arched and his hair falling into his sweaty face. “BUT I WANT HER ALIVE! ALIVE SO I CAN-” He squeezed the air around his hands, as if to mime wringing a neck before he stopping himself. 

He took a deep breath and smoothed back his hair, tugging the wrinkles out of his suit. He smiled at the audience placidly “-So I know that she’s safe!” He put his hands together and pouted “Who knows what that red-suited brute is doing to her this very moment!”

Pamela growled at the screen of her phone.

Joker giggled to himself. “So that’s my price! Kill the red fucker and “rescue” my poor little Harley.”

“What exactly did the red guy do?” One of the minions that were scrubbing the spray paint off the walls asked the other, obviously thinking the Joker couldn’t hear them. “I mean I think the dicks are a good joke…”

The Joker’s face soured and the audience tensed, seeming to sense doom for the hapless minion.

Joker grinned and wrapped an arm around the minion’s shoulders. “HA! YEAH YOU LIKE JOKES DO YA KID?”

The minion froze, his eyes wide with fear. “UH-UH-UH” He stammered.

The Joker leaned in “WELL DO YA?” He screamed, spit splattering against the minion’s face.

The minion seemed about to pee his pants on stage he was so terrified. “YES BOSS I DO!” He sobbed.

The Joker wrapped his other arm around the second minion. “Well gents here’s a real doozy for ya- How many minions does it take to clean dicks off the wall?”

Before either of the men could answer the Joker took out a revolver and shot the first minion through the head, splattering his face, his purple suit and the other terrified minion with blood and brain matter. “ONE!” The Joker giggled and jostled the other minion. “Get it?” He grinned at the terrified man, letting the corpse drop to the floor with a thud, the other minion’s eyes were still glued to their very dead counterpart. 

“Because he’s dead.” Joker deadpanned, twirling the gun in his fingers.

When the man didn’t answer, only sobbed pathetically,Joker pushed him roughly off the stage. “The youth have no appreciation of comedy these days.” The Joker sighed, one eyebrow arched and his hands on his hips, the bloodied gun still in his hands.

The Joker turned back to the audience. “What you gonna sit there all day?” He huffed “BRING THEM TO ME YOU MORONS!” The Joker began to shoot at the ceiling, laughing hysterically as the criminals fled the meeting. “THAT’S RIGHT RUN! RUN YOU FILTHY RATS! RUN AND BRING THEM TO ME!”   
  


 

Harley and Deadpool perused their way through the thrift shop. Harley hummed as she flicked through tops, maneuvering her way through the aisles.

“Oh hey!” Harley got Wade’s attention and Wade leaned over her to look “What do you think of this?”

Harley pulled a shirt from the rack, a white baseball-style t-shirt with red sleeves, the front reading “Daddy’s little monster”. Harley wiggled her eyebrows “Whaddaya think?”

Wade made a gagging noise. “This shirt just screams daddy issues.”

Harley huffed “I think that’s part of the joke.”

Wade rolled his eyes “The only joke here is that shirt. Why is this in the women’s section? It should be in the creepy weirdo section.”

Harley whined “Oh come on! It’s funny!”

Wade tapped her on the nose with the clothes hanger “Is this the kind of thing you do when you shop unsupervised?”

Harley giggled. “Actually last time I shopped unsupervised I took my Hyenas and ended up accidentally kidnapping the General’s daughter.”

Deadpool hissed out a laugh. “Have I ever told you that you’re amazing? Because you’re amazing.”

Harley snickered. “It was a weird day lemme tell ya.”

Wade laughed “But for reals though I’m going to put this back in the kid’s section.”

Wade went to put the shirt in the kid’s section and Harley turned back to the rack of shirts, humming to herself and giggling at a few shirts with jokes printed on the front. Suddenly a pair of khaki-clad legs came into view, a worker from the store bending down into Harley’s space with a grin, leaning over Harley, hands on their knees like what one might do with a child.

“Um…” Harley leaned away from her. “Hi?”

The woman smiled widely, her words sugary sweet and crooning. “And how are you doing hun? Need any help?”

Harley blinked, what is with this woman? “Uh n-”

Before Harley could answer the worker crossed behind her and took a hold of the handles on her wheelchair. “Here let me help! There are some items an aisle over that I know you would like!”

Harley scrambled in her chair, she grabbed at the shirt she had been looking at before the woman interrupted. “Wait stop! I don’t need help!” She panicked, looking either direction for Wade, Where was Wade?

“Don’t be silly!” The woman sing-songed. Harley couldn’t see her behind her back and it was particularly disconcerting. “You OBVIOUSLY need help!” The woman turned the wheelchair out of the aisle, where was she taking her?

Harley scrabbled for the brake on the wheelchair, pulling it tight over the rubber of the wheel, the rubber squeaking obstinately as the worker forced the wheelchair forward. “I SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO-”

Wade stepped in front of the worker. “AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING WITH MY SISTER?” His bare hands curled into fists in front of him.

The woman gasped, putting a hand up to her lipsticked mouth, looking at the extensive scars over Wade’s hands. “What happened to your- I was only trying to-”

“WELL SHE DIDN’T ASK FOR HELP DID SHE?” Wade pointed an accusatory finger at the woman.

“I-I-I-” The woman stammered stepping backwards.

Harley reached up to pat Wade’s arm. “She didn’t mean it. She freaked me out yeah, but she didn’t mean it.”

Wade down at Harley and back up to the service worker, he stuffed his hands back into the pocket of his hoodie. “Yeah well next time listen to people, and don’t assume you know better than someone else just because they’re in a wheelchair.”

The worker ran away after that, leaving Wade and Harley in the thrift shop aisle.

Harley swallowed and ran a hand down her pigtail. “That was weird.”

Wade looked over at the worker who was quickly retreating. “People are weird whenever they notice someone has a disability. How hard is it to treat a person like a person?”

Harley bonked her head into Wade’s stomach where he stood next to her, a small smile on her face. “Thanks bro.”

Wade smiled down at her and petted her pigtails. “Any time little sis."

 

Wade and Harley finished their shopping, buying a multitude of t-shirts with funny phrases, Harley insisted on buying a “World’s greatest Grandma” shirt as well as a “Cute but psycho” sweatshirt, while Wade bought a shirt saying “Real men play with balls” that had a picture of two baseballs and a football coming together in the shape of a dick. They also bought Harley a variety of red, blue and black skirts and shorts, as well as a couple pairs of high-top converse, one pair in red, another in blue and another in black.

Wade looked over the shoes “Why do women need so many shoes?”

Harley gave him a flat look “It’s so I can mix and match colors you butt!” She threw a shoe half-heartedly at Wade where it bounced off his head harmlessly. “Also you have way more shoes and high heels than I have ever owned!” Wade snickered and put the shoe back in the box.

They paid for their purchases, bags piled over Harley’s lap and hanging over her chair. Wade pushed Harley down the street (with permission!) laughing the entire way back to the apartment.

That night Wade made tacos for dinner, leading to a food-fight between them, throwing pieces of lettuce and cheese across the small kitchen, laughing as Bud and Lou jumped between them catching bits of food as they flew through the air.

A shelf was cleaned off, a spare toothbrush procured, a new profile on the netflix made. Harley folded her new clothes and put them away. She settled into the apartment, already loving the small kitchen, the moldy dick-shaped stain on the ceiling and the newfound brother it contained.

That night they watched the rest of Lilo and Stitch, finishing the movie they had started that first night when Wade had found her bleeding out that alleyway and patched her up and brought her to this new dimension. It was only yesterday, but for Harley her world had shifted in such a way, rearranged and reorganized that it seemed almost ridiculous to think that it had only happened in one day. That she had only known her brother for one day.

They sat on the couch, a blanket over the both of them and a bowl of popcorn between them, Bud and Lou lounging over their legs. They were at the part where Lilo was trying her best to rehabilitate Stitch, drawing out a chart of his “badness levels”.

Harley hummed and took some popcorn from the bowl. “I wonder what my badness level is…”

“It’s unusually high for someone of your size…” Wade quoted and poked her in the ribs. Harley yelped and hit him lightly on the chest.

“Fuck you that was a quip about being short wasn’t it? I will let you know that I am of average height that you very much mistah!” Harley glowered at him and threw a handful of popcorn at his face.

Wade sniggered and leaned back into the couch. “If you’re ever worried about your badness level though, mine is off the chart...I’m working on it though…” He shrugged and turned back towards the screen. “It’s hard to know if you’re doing enough good in the world sometimes though…”

Harley looked at him for a moment before leaning her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know Wade...You’ve made the world better for me though. It’s a small corner of the world but…” She poked him in the ribs and huffed “It’s a start.”

Wade smiled at her. “You know what? Spidey has been working with me on becoming a hero…Think that would be something you would want to try?”

Harley smiled. “You know what? It’s a new dimension, a new start! Sure hun, I’ll try the hero thing.”   
  


 

Poison Ivy waited in the Gotham botanical gardens, the moon shining through the glass of the ceiling, the leaves of indoor palm trees making jagged moving shadows across the ground. The plants around her twitched with her agitation, seeming to hiss lowly as they trembled with her fury.

The subtle squeak of glass being cut made Ivy whip her head around just in time to see Catwoman removing a plate of glass from the greenhouse, making a hole just large enough to slip inside.

“Finally.” Ivy hissed, the vines around her spasming, curling and uncurling restlessly.

“I’m gotta warn you…” Catwoman jumped from the hole in the ceiling to a branch of a nearby tree “You really aren’t gonna like it. It gets pretty bad. And then it gets pretty weird. But first it gets pretty bad.”

Ivy grit her teeth and nodded grimly. “Show it to me.”

Catwoman crawled down the tree, her whip snaking behind her like a tail, until she came to Poison Ivy. Catwoman turned on the tablet. “Also you don’t want to know how I got this. Spoiler alert though, it was extremely difficult.”

A video played on the tablet, grainy footage from a security camera for a warehouse across from the one that The Joker used as a hideout. The scene was silent for a moment until from the window of the Joker’s warehouse shattered, Harley Quinn falling from the second floor window, falling onto a dumpster below, bending the metal in a painful-looking hit before bouncing off and falling to the filthy alley. The Joker looked boredly out into the alley from the broken window, brushing glass of his suit before going back into the room nonchalantly. 

Poison Ivy put a hand to her mouth “Harley!” She bit her lip and tears began to well up in her eyes. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there!”

Catwoman put a tentative hand to the other woman’s shoulder. “It’s ok Ivy you know she survives.”

Poison Ivy breathed deeply, brushing back her hair and steeling herself. “Keep playing the video, what about the red man?”

Catwoman raised her eyebrows. “Ok this is the part where it gets weird.”

Catwoman pressed play on the video again, as Harley bled out in the alley a swirl of bright light opened up in the sky, spitting out an odd figure that ricocheted through the alley like a deranged pinball before landing in the dumpster Harley had bounced off of with a horrifying crunch they could practically feel through the screen.

“Well that guy is dead.” Ivy huffed.

“No keep watching!” Catwoman hissed back.

The figure crawled out of the dumpster in a disgusting tangle of broken limbs that slowly righted themselves as he moved along.

Poison Ivy glowered at the screen. “What the hell is this guy? I’ve seen accelerated healing before but...Also that portal...What is he?”

Catwoman shrugged. “Like hell if I know.” She threw the tablet behind her into the darkness where it hit loudly against something.

In the darkness someone yelled “Ow my nose!”

Ivy put up her fists, the vines around her quickly growing long thorns and tensing in anticipation, Catwoman brandished her whip. “WHO’S THERE?”

“Who in the world am I? Ah that is the great puzzle.” A figure tromped through the bushes of the botanical gardens, rubbing their large nose where the tablet had hit them across the face. They tripped on an exposed root and face-planted into the dirt.

Ivy arched an eyebrow “Tetch?”

Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter raised a single finger “The one and only my dear!”

Catwoman put down her whip “What are you doing here?”

He smiled and lifted himself from the mud, doing a little bow before the two women. “I am here to volunteer for the rescue party!” He pulled his bow-tie taut “Harley is a good sort, I would hate to see anything untoward happen to her!”

“I ALSO WANT TO HELP!” The gruff voice echoed through the gardens hollowly. The villainous trio looked to a nearby sewer grate in which the voice seemed to echo from. Two large scaly hands gripped the inside of the grate and wrenched it open with a groan of bending metal.

Killer croc emerged from the opening, his armored back casting jagged shadows in the moonlight.

Catwoman frowned “What? Why?”

Killer Croc tapped his claws together nervously. “WELL UH...SHE’S NICE…” He shrugged.

Poison Ivy arched an eyebrow. “....Is this because of the time she baked you cupcakes for your birthday?”

“IT WAS A NICE GESTURE OK.” Killer Croc bellowed to distract the other villains from the fact that he was as of current, blushing.

“Awww!” Jervis Tetch clasped his hands together. “What a sweet notion! How doth the little crocodile improve his shining scales! Also on a side note- A very happy unbirthday to you chap.”

“FUCK OFF LIMEY”

“Guys! Guys!” Catwoman put up her hands “We just found out that the guy that took Harley came out of a portal- Any ideas on how to track him? Where should we start?”

Jervis Tetch shrugged “If you don’t know where you’re going any road can take you!” He spun his watch on his watch chain “But in all seriousness I have a PHD, Pamela you have a PHD, Croc here has…”

He looked at Killer Croc, stumbling over his words for a moment. “Has PROBABLY graduated high school.”

“HEY!” Killer Croc yelled indignantly.

Jervis ignored him as he continued “We should be able to figure it out!”

“Y’ALL DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PORTALS.” Killer Croc growled at him 

Catwoman stepped in, her claws glinting in the light as she smiled. “Then let’s find someone!”

Hatter clapped his hands together, jumping up and down a bit excitedly. “We can take my car!”

In the parking lot, parked across three spots was a giant pink teapot, the wheels were giant painted tea-cup saucers.

“Isn’t she beautiful.” Hatter clasped his hands together and sighed dreamily. “I stole her from an amusement park.”

Killer croc sighed. “I would just like you to know. That you’re a fucking embarrassment to the villain community.” He picked up a brick from the parking lot, looking at the other cars that had been parked there overnight “Eeny meeny miney…” He pointed the brick at each of the cars, seemingly coming to a conclusion he threw the brick through the window of the last car “Moe!”

Killer Croc crossed over to the car that had thrown a brick through its window. He wrenched open the driver side. The car alarm was sounding noisily until Killer Croc wrenched a tangle of wires and electronic parts from the car console. He stripped a few wires with his claws and put the bare tips together, the car came to life with a hum.

“Come on you fucking nerds.” Croc called to the other villains “Unless you want to ride in Jervis’ nerdmobile.”   
  


Jervis pouted, his hat low on his head and his arms crossed moodily as he sat in the back of the car Killer Croc stole. “It wasn’t a nerdmobile.” He hissed to himself. Catwoman sat next to him and Poison Ivy sat in the front passenger seat, Killer Croc hunched awkwardly in the driver’s seat, he pushed on the metal roof of the car, bending it into a curve in order to get more room.

“There!” Poison Ivy straightened up in her seat and pointed at a tall building that seemed to glower down at the rest of the city “Wayne Tech industries!”   
  


 

A couple of Hatter’s mind control cards over the night shift guards ears later, the villains were sitting in the lobby comfortably. Killer Croc watched as a couple of guards with mind control cards on walked aimlessly, he snickered when one walked into a wall.

Catwoman ran a finger down the directory list at the front desk. “Death ray department, department of experimental poisons, department of cryogenic research, department of artificial intelligence-”

Poison Ivy rolled her eyes “No wonder villains rob this place so much…”

Catwoman continued “Department of brain research-”

Jervis Tetch jumped and clapped excitedly “That’s where I used to work! I should visit my old office for old times sake…”

Catwoman grinned and poked a finger triumphantly at the page “Department of inter-dimensional research.”

Killer Croc squinted his eyes “Ever think that this Bruce Wayne guy has some really weird interests?”

The rest of the villains shrugged.

 

 

Doctor Vince McGuffin was working late that night in the aptly named “Department of inter-dimensional research”. He sat back down at his desk with a fresh cup of coffee when suddenly his entire torso was covered with vines. 

The doctor sighed. “God dammit.” He growled “How am I supposed to get any work done with villains breaking in to steal something every other day?”

He turned towards the villains. “Doctor Isley, Doctor Tetch.” He raised an eyebrow at Catwoman and Killer Croc. “Catwoman and uh...lizard guy.”

“THAT’S KILLER CROC TO YOU!” Killer Croc grumbled and crossed his arms testily, Catwoman patted him on the back consolingly.

Jervis waved a hand “Hi Vince! Haven’t seen you since the Wayne industries Christmas party a couple of years ago! Or since we went to Gotham University!”

The doctor glowered “Why does every villain attack look like a Gotham University alumni reunion?”

Jervis shrugged “Tuition prices?”

Poison Ivy hissed and the vines around the professor tightened painfully, the professor gurgled in pain and Ivy leaned in closer. “We need to know about the portal that opened over Gotham last night."   
  


 

Tony Stark was in his laboratory, a welding helmet over his face as he repaired the Iron man suit, sparks flying in every direction as he worked. He hummed to himself as he went, smoothing a metal sander over a scratch on the bottom of his suit “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun.” He patted the metal butt of the Iron man suit and chuckled to himself.

An alarm beeped on one of his monitoring systems, showing up as a red light on one of the many monitors in the laboratory. “Huh.” 

He wheeled his office chair to the monitor and raised his welding helmet “Inter-dimensional breach?”

Tapping on a keyboard brought up a live camera feed, a small portal glowing to life in a run-down part of the city. A woman covered in vines came out of the portal, looking distrustfully at the city, next there was another woman wearing cat ears and leather, a whip at her side. A scaly arm threw a small man out of the portal, who landed squarely on his bottom and skidded to a stop on the concrete, the small man picked up his top hat and yelled indignantly back at the portal shaking his fist, the scaly hand flipped the other man off. A hulking beast followed, large and scaly with a long serpentine tail. The woman dressed like a cat noticed the security camera, tapping the shoulder of the other woman and pointing at the lens. A vine rose from the plant woman’s arm and with a flash the camera was knocked off the wall, severing the connection.

Tony Stark stared at the static where the feed of the camera once was. “Well shit.”

  
  


Vince McGuffin sighed in his office, sitting back down at his office chair, a swirling blue portal in front of him. At least that was all they wanted, who knows what would have happened if a villain like the J-

“Oh Pamela Balema puddin and pie-” A shadowed figure stalked into the room, a deranged smile glowing in the darkness “-Kissed all the boys and make them die!”

Doctor McGuffin gasped and backed away. Running into his desk. 

The Joker giggled and walked forward, rough looking minions flanking him on either side. The Joker sighed dramatically. “Well well well, our little Poison Ivy is a pretty little posy but she ain’t the sharpest Rose in the bouquet!”

The Joker put a revolver against the Doctor’s head. “One ticket to the rodeo please!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Someone pointed out that Harley would be hurt for a bit after that kind of injury and I took the opportunity to teach y'all a bit about wheelchair etiquette. I was wheelchair bound temporarily after a surgery and let me tell you- don't be fucking weird. Just don't be weird. Listen to who is in the chair and just don't be fucking it weird it should be easy.
> 
> Anywho~ Next chapter we'll have Harley meeting more of the Marvel side people with a good heavy dose of shenanigans. Comment if you enjoyed! Tell me what you think is going to happen or any parts you enjoyed specifically! I love seeing people's reactions!
> 
> Sorry for the slow-ish updates I have like, five open fics that all need attention. I also write "Thor God of thunder, Sitter of babies" as well as a couple of homestuck fics "Starship skaia" and "Minnie and Crocodile dad" as well as an original work called "Mothwoman and the Professor" which is a pet project of mine.
> 
> Later gators!


	3. Chance meeting and misunderstandings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Killer Croc and the Mad Hatter all try to navigate the new dimension they have found themselves in and figure out a way to find Harley Quinn, they have a chance meeting and a plan is hatched.
> 
> Spiderman has a bit of a misunderstanding regarding Deadpool and Harley Quinn. Batman is finally on the case. Alfred is sassy.
> 
> Joker is still an asshole. 
> 
> He has a plan though...what is the prince of crime plotting for poor miss Harley Quinn?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all! Meant to keep this until the 15th but how could I not celebrate Friday the 13th with something!?
> 
> Now I didn't get to everything I wanted to get to in this chapter but yanno- you have to build a house before you can burn it to the ground. AKA everything that is happening needs to happen.
> 
> I will be taking a slight pause during the month of November for Nanorimo. Please forgive me, updates will continue afterwards I promise. However if you like Victorian mysteries, monsters and copious amounts of sass, I will be posting chapters of my orignal work "Mothwoman and the Professor" all throughout the month as they are written. Feel free to take a look and critique before I finish up my first ever Nanorimo book.
> 
> Toodles!

The Joker paced back in front of the shimmering blue portal in the Wayne industries inter-dimensional research division. He tapped a gloved finger against his lips. He turned to his minions in the room, their back straightening with fear as he regarded them.

Doctor Mcguffin was still tied to his office chair, albeit now he was swinging from the ceiling, a gag stuffed in the helpless doctor’s mouth.

The Joker hummed and skipped over to the bruised and battered hostage. He grinned and pulled the gag from the doctor’s mouth, flicking his wrist out with a flourish, the gag being revealed to be a rubber chicken. The doctor coughed and sputtered, wheezing in a shuddering breath.

The Joker took a hold of one of the ropes, walking in a slow circle and spinning his captive with it. “Vincey, Vincey, Vincey…W-” He crooned.

“P-please!” The doctor’s eyes were wide with fear “What do you want?”

The Joker batted his eyes at him “Well the first thing I want…” He slapped the doctor harshly across the face with the rubber chicken, hard enough to cause the doctor to swing back and forth like a punching bag “IS NOT TO BE INTERRUPTED!” He threw the rubber chicken to the floor which landed with a honking squeak.

The doctor kept his mouth shut, shuddering and shaking with fear. The Joker leaned in, smiling placidly and putting a hand to his chest “Are you ready to talk after I’m finished?”

The doctor nodded.

The Joker smiled, wide and malicious “Good boy. Now that we understand each other….” He gripped the doctor by the hair and wrenched his head back “WHERE THE FUCK DOES THAT PORTAL GO?”

The Doctor shook his head “We don’t know!”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW!?” The Joker screeched, spittle flying into the hostage’s face.

“I mean that we don’t know! They had me lock onto a foreign signal, something that occurred earlier in the day! Please! Don’t kill me!”

The Joker let go of his hair, letting the doctor swing back and forth like a terrified pendulum. “hmmm...Earlier in the day huh…” He snapped at one of his minions “Hand me that security tape…” The minion handed him a tablet with the security footage already loaded onto it.

The Joker played the video on the tablet, Harley being thrust out of the warehouse window and falling to the alley below, hitting the dumpster as she went. He giggled and replayed that part of the tape back and forth on repeat. “Oh I’ll never get tired of that!” He crowed. He rewound the video and put the tablet in front of the doctor’s face. “Look at that! She just THHBBBTT! Right onto the dumpster!” He wiped a tear from his eye “Oh that’s a classic...a real classic I tell you…”

The doctor watched with horror, wincing as Harley fell and hit the dumpster. The minions looked at each other with a pained look, an uncomfortable chuckle among them to keep Joker satisfied.

“But I digress…” The Joker fast forwarded to when Deadpool appeared from a shimmering blue portal in the sky “This is when Ladybug douche arrives.” He pointed on the timecode of the video “Is this the same portal they had you track?”

The doctor squinted at Deadpool, screaming, his arms flailing as he as barreled out of the portal. “What the fu-”

“FOCUS HERE VINCEY WINCEY!” The Joker took the Doctor by the hair again and forced him to look at the timecode, two fingers pulling back the doctor’s eyelids “IS THIS THE SAME PORTAL?”

The Doctor looked at the timecode “YES! YES IT IS!”

The Joker seemed satisfied “So they really did go after her. Idiots.” He threw his head back dramatically “To think! My poor little Harley! Out there in another dimension! Being hurt by people!” He glowered and put a fist to his outstretched hand “Hurt by people who AREN’T ME! THE NERVE!”

He turned on his heels to face his minions, he grinned widely and wiggled his eyebrows “SO WHICH LUCKY SON OF A GUN WANTS TO BE THE FIRST ONE THROUGH THE PORTAL?”

The minions grimaced and shared a frightened look among themselves, avoiding eye contact, whistling and twiddling their thumbs.

“Don’t be shy!” The Joker clasped his hands together and rocked back on his heels “Who wants to go in the portal! Come on!” he pointed to the portal like a dog trainer trying to get a pooch to jump through a hoop “Go on!”

The minions continued to whistle to themselves, and avoid eye contact, one man slowly edged away from the group.

The Joker’s face fell. He took a gun from his pocket “Look, one of you fuckers are going through the portal. Last one in's a rotten egg. A very DEAD rotten egg.”

The minions rushed past each other in a panic to get through the portal, screaming as they tumbled through the swirling blue energy.

The Joker chuckled “Motivation, motivation. A good leader really knows how to motivate the troops.” He put his hands in his pockets and was about to saunter through the portal himself when another figure darkened to doorway.

“You called me here?” A gruff voice stated. The figure moved into the room, light traveling across the visitor, gleaming against  a white and black suit, light shone on their face, revealing one side of it to be gruesomely mangled. There was a glint of silver and a little metallic chime as he tossed the infamous coin in the air.

“HARVEY!” The Joker clasped his hands together and popped a foot out “What a lovely surprise!”

Harvey Dent, also known as two-face, growled, his mis-matched mouth curling down into an intimidating grimace “Cut the shit Joker, whaddaya want?”

The Joker’s face fell “Party pooper.” He groused “But fine, I want to know who’s side you are on.”

Dent’s mismatched eyebrows furrowed “Why me?”

The Joker rolled his eyes “Pamela is in on this, Killer Croc, Hatter. I bet even Riddler and Scarecrow would be against me if they got their thumbs out of their asses for long enough.”

He took Harvey by the wrist, Harvey tried to pull back but the Joker stopped him “But with you though…” Joker continued, pulling up Two-face’s hand, exposing the coin he always kept “I know I at least have a fifty-fifty chance.”

He stared at two-face. “So what’ll it be? Help me get Harley back...or don’t…” Harvey glared at him and the Joker laughed “Two choices Dent, you gotta make a choice, that’s your shtick ain’t it? Heads for me, tails for Harley.”

Two-face glared at The Joker and reluctantly flipped the coin. A metallic sound chimed through the air and-

Heads.

The Joker laughed and Two-face glared at him. He growled and continued towards the portal. The Joker pulled a white handkerchief from his pocket and waved Dent off like soldier going off to war “Adieu! Adieu!” He batted his eyelashes, blowing a kiss and grinning maliciously.

“I would just like you to know…” Two-faced grumbled, both sides of his face illuminated by the swirling energy of the portal “That you’re a sadistic fuck, Joker.”

The Joker laughed “Yeah well at least I’m not the guy doing everything a coin tells me to do.” and with a whooping laugh he kicked Two-face solidly on the ass and sent him hurdling through the portal head over heels.

The Joker pulled a flowered swim cap and a floaty from his suit. He threw the tablet with the security footage off to the side, the electronic device thunking loudly against the wall, the glass front shattering. “GERONIMO!” He called and pinched his nose as if he was diving into a pool as he too jumped into the portal. His maniacal laugh echoing through the laboratory until the portal fizzled and deactivated.

And with that the doctor was left alone in the room, staring in horror at the swirling blue energy in front of him. “Oh god…” He whispered “What have I done?”   
  


 

Spiderman swung through the city, the sun just beginning to set, painting bold swaths of orange and pink lights across the cityscape. A while ago Deadpool had come to Spiderman to ask him for lessons on being a hero. Spiderman was initially skeptical, but willing to give it a shot. They went on patrols together regularly, and with his supervision Deadpool was honestly improving.

He was still obnoxious and crass, but Peter had to hand it to the guy, he was doing really, really well....not always perfect...but good! He was actually pretty hilarious too. They went from begrudging allies, to comrades, to oddly enough, good friends. It got to the point where often after patrol he would often go to Deadpool’s apartment to play video games and eat shitty delivery pizza. Somewhere along the line Peter trusted him with his first name, I mean Wade went by his first name all the time, and then it was his face, and then his last name too. They had a couple of really deep talks about life, and trying to do the right thing, that somehow led to Peter helping him clean and taking the former mercenary grocery shopping every week.

Deadpool wasn’t a bad guy, not really, he just had really shitty things happen to him. Peter remembered what it was like when he was first starting out and angry at the world, if he didn’t have the people like Aunt may and Gwen to pull him back then well...he could have been like Deadpool too...maybe even worse... Peter naturally empathized with him, and was slowly but surely helping the other man get his life back on track. 

And if he was being honest with himself...He was pretty fond of the guy.

Spiderman swung to another building, flipping backwards into a graceful arc through the air, silhouetted against the backdrop of the sunset sky. The effect was somewhat ruined though by the fact that Spiderman carried a large, greasy paper bag with a logo on it that was a taco with a mustache wearing a sombrero. He picked up food from Wade’s favorite taco place as an “I’m proud of how well you’ve been doing” treat for tonight’s patrol. The guy deserved it.

Spiderman landed on Wade’s building like he had a thousand times before. He hummed and fished a taco out of the bag, unwrapping the taco and walking to the edge of the building, sticking to the rough exterior. He stepped on the edge, sticking to the steep side of the precipice as leisurely as a normal person would walk down the sidewalk. A bit of cheese and meat fell from the taco and Spiderman swore and glared at the ground as if it was personally responsible for the fact that he apparently had forgotten that gravity existed for a moment.

“Fuck you gravity.” he groused and shielded the top of his taco as he continued to eat and walk, swinging the bag back and forth.

He reached Deadpool’s fire escape and hopped onto the metal balcony. He was about to open the window when-

Peter could see the back of the couch in Wade’s living room. The brown scratched leather had been home to many evenings of video game tournaments, netflix binges and thoughtful soul-searching conversations between the two of them. Peter saw Wade’s head and shoulders above the leather back of the couch, maskless, his blue eyes staring at something in front of him intently.

Spiderman was about to knock on the windowpane to get Wade’s attention when-

A pale slender hand that was definitely not Wade’s gripped the top of the leather, painted nails scratching along the fabric. A woman’s head came out from behind the couch to thump against the armrest. Her hair was pulled into two blonde pigtails, dyed at the ends, her eyes were closed, she opened her mouth and-

“AH! Wade!” She hissed and arched her head back.

Wade looked intently at her. “It’s ok honey I got you.” His head and shoulders dipped below the back of the couch.

The effect in the woman was immediate, her head tilting farther back and her hand gripping the couch tighter, the false leather squeaking under her painted finger nails. She groaned and hissed through her teeth “AH! AH!!!”

Spiderman yelped and jumped away, crawling back up the wall of the building, his cheeks burning under the mask.

Wade was sitting over Harley, a pair of tweezers in his hands, as he diligently pulled the stitches from Harley’s now healed stab wound. Harley pouted and hissed, the feeling of string being plucked from flesh odd and foreign, sending phantom pains that shivered up her sides. She kicked out on reflex, her foot hitting Wade where his shoulder met his neck.

Deadpool sputtered and growled as Harley’s foot made contact, he glowered down at her. “I swear to god Harley stop wriggling, this is already difficult, you absolute butt.”

Harley pouted up at him, her nose crinkling in indignation “Well next time you can get stabbed and thrown out of a window by your ex!”

Deadpool snicked and arched an eyebrow at her “Baby girl, that’s just my Tuesday.”

On the other side of the window Peter was freaking out, he had jumped just far enough to not be seen, he walked on the brick sideways, pacing back and forth over the fire escape, swinging the bag of tacos as he whispered to himself. “HAHA!” He put his hand on his masked face “THAT’S FINE.” He said, mostly to convince himself “THIS IS TOTALLY FINE.”

Peter gestured with his taco as he spoke. “This is a good thing!” His voice cracked at the end and even to his own ears his voice didn’t sound sincere. “I mean he’s letting people back into his life. That’s a good sign right? RIGHT?” 

He rubbed the front of his mask over his forehead “I mean it’s not like you have any reason to be mad...or jealous.. THAT WOULD BE STUPID! HAHA! REALLY STUPID!” 

Spiderman shrugged “You two are just friends. Friends who fight crime! Friends who play video games...and help them get their lives together...and reveal their identities to… and have really deep conversations about past traumas...and comfort each other when you accidentally start crying…”

Spiderman stopped pacing and stared at the ground ahead of him. “...fuck.”

He was considering jumping off the building and devouring the entire bag of tacos in a fit of emotional eating, and then curling up in his apartment to die, when a broomstick handle whapped him soundly on the butt.   
  


Harley stretched her arms and sat up from the couch. She ran a hand across the angry red line where The Joker had stabbed her. It was closed up but it was going to leave one hell of a scar. “Thanks Wade.” Harley smiled softly “I really don’t know where I would be without you.”

Wade smiled back at her, he scooted closer to her on the couch and gave her a one armed hug. “No problem sis. What would you want for dinner? I’m thinking-”

“Tacos?” Harley answered.

Wade blinked and shrugged “We already had tacos but whatever I’m not complaining. I’m glad you’ve finally realized that it is a superior food to all-”

“No!” Harley shook her head and pointed to the window “I mean there’s a floating bag of tacos.”

Wade followed her outstretched hand, and lo and behold, a greasy bag hung over the edge of the window, bobbing back and forth, the cartoon taco on the front of the bag grinning at the both of them.

Both of their eyebrows shot up, they gave each other a look. “Hey Harl…” Wade cocked his head “This isn’t a hallucination right? That’s my favorite taco place...”

Harley shook her head, squinting, rubbing her eyes and then continuing to stare at the bag “No bro... I see it too.”

Deadpool leaned in to whisper to Harley “It’s like one of those gags in a cartoon where they lure you in with something you want on the end of a fishing pole.”

Harley considered this for a moment, nodding her head and squinting at the tantalizing bag that floated back and forth. The cartoon taco on the front of the bag grinning at her as challenging her, mocking her... “I’m going to fucking poke it with a stick.”

Wade and Harley tip-toed into the kitchen, taking large theatrical steps. Wade opened the window as quietly as he could, edging up the window pane in small increments. Harley retrieved the broom from next to the garbage can. Wade put a finger to his scarred lips. Harley nodded at him and stuck the broomstick out of the window, fishing it back and forth in fast broad strokes until she felt it connect with something...firm but squishy?

Something yelped at that, and a red and blue blur fell to the fire escape with a loud THUMP the bag of tacos falling with a graceful flutter of greasy paper wrappers like a cloud of taco-scented butterflies.

Harley jumped outside with an impressive snake-like flip, dressed in only a pair of lacy panties and Deadpool’s “FBI: Federal booty inspector T-shirt she had been borrowing to sleep in. She yelled and raised the broom over her head with the intention to beat the intruder senseless, belting out her signature battle cry. “YAHTZEE!!!!”

The masked man yelped underneath her, covered in half-wrapped tacos, he raised a hand and-

Wade caught the broomstick at the last moment. “Harley wait! This is Spiderman!”

Peter raised an eyebrow under the mask “...Harley? What kind of a name is Harley?”

Harley blinked her surprise before she broke out into a huge grin, her demeanor changing from rampaging viking warrior to perky cheerleader, she put a hand to her cheek and grinned open-mouthed and toothy at the superhero “SO YOU’RE SPIDERDORK?”

Peter grimaced “What?”

Harley threw the broom over the side of the railing with a flick of her hand and rushed down to scoop Spiderman in a big hug. Peter squeaked, extremely uncomfortable as he was squeezed by the half-naked woman who giggled and rocked them both back and forth, his vision obscured by her pigtails.

“IT’S SO GREAT TO MEETCHA!” Harley grinned and wiggled excitedly “WADEY-POO HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YA!”

Peter turned to Wadey-p, or uh, Wade for help. Wade just smiled, resting an elbow on the windowsill, his head in his hands, eyes half lidded, as he grinned lopsidedly at the scene. “Oh Spidey-poo…” He crooned, batting his eyes and putting a hand to his mouth, his tone like a coy woman in a porno who just didn’t have enough money for this pizza, however will she pay? WINK. “Were those for me? You shouldn’t have.” He snickered “And all on your body too? I wouldn’t mind eating them off.” He winked, because he’s a jerk and of course he did

Spiderman glared at Deadpool. “WADE.” He warned, trying to distract himself from the blush spreading under the mask.

“Don’t worry sugarplum.” Harley curled up in Spiderman’s lap, smooshing some of the broken tacos into his suit, she planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek and patted him on the head like a puppy “Any friend of Wadey-poo’s is a friend of mine!” She gave him an ostentatious wink. She rolled off his lap and hopped deftly to her feet. Spiderman also scrambled up, holding the bag of tacos in between her and himself like a shield.

Harley transitioned into a handstand, the t-shirt falling a bit, still only half-clothed on a fire escape in the middle of New York, before gracefully flipping into the apartment.

Wade grinned at Peter through the window “Isn’t she something! Trust me you’ll love her!” he ducked back into the apartment like giant gopher back into its hole. 

Peter followed cautiously “Yeah she’s...something alright…” he grumbled. He followed both of them into the apartment. He stepped through the kitchen window, crouching on the countertop with the bag of tacos in his hands like a taco bearing gargoyle. Two Hyenas got up from the kitchen floor with a cackling giggle, trotting up to the kitchen counter and sniffing the air curiously. Spiderman held the bag of tacos away from them.

Peter watched the woman saunter through the kitchen in what was obviously Wade’s shirt, running her hand down the back of a hyena who leaned into her touch, she giggled and shot him a smile before jumping over the back of the couch to sit.

“Uh….” Peter eyed the top of her blonde head and deliberately tried to not think about the couch and what he just witnessed happen on it. He leaned towards Deadpool who regarded her fondly. “...who is she?”

Wade blinked with surprise before chuckling and waving away the question. “Don’t worry this is Miss Harley Quinn!” Wade walked over to the couch to ruffle Harley’s hair, she giggled and he leaned over to give her a peck on the forehead.

Peter died a bit on the inside.

For no particular reason he could think of.

Shut up.

Wade looked back at Spiderman “She’s going to be staying here for a bit!”

Peter eyed the woman who was currently inhabiting what used to be his spot on Wade’s couch with extreme prejudice “...uh huh…”

Wade clasped his hands together and grimaced “And I uh… I was hoping that she could go on patrol with us!”

Peter eyed Harley who was humming and leaning back on the couch. “Uh hu-” He turned towards Wade, taking by his bicep and leading him back into the kitchen “Are you serious?” He hissed, trying to be at least a bit discreet “Who even is she? I mean really? How long have you known her? Can you trust that-”

“Yanno…” Harley sighed from on the couch, turning to look at the pair of them “If you’re gonna go to the kitchen to argue like a married couple with kids, ya gotta keep ya voice down.”

Wade sighed “Harley I-”

Harley shook her head “It’s ok hun, He’s gotta point.” She rose from the couch and padded to the kitchen, her bare feet sounding against the linoleum. She stood in front of Spiderman for a moment, fiddling with the hem of her borrowed shirt nervously. Harley thrust her hand out at Spiderman with a smile “Harleen Quinzel! Former psychiatrist until I fell in love with a patient that was a manipulative psychopath, fell to a life of crime with him as his head henchwoman. Turned out he was a douche, because of course he was… got stabbed and thrown out of a window by said douche. Got rescued by this lovely fella!” She pinched Wade on the cheek and smiled at him as he snorted and batted away her hand.

She put her pointer fingers together and looked away from Spiderman, biting her bottom lip. “Look I’m not a good person. I...I think I want to get better though...” She looked over at Wade “And if what Wadey has been telling me is right, you’re kinda in the business of helping the not so good people get better…”

Wade bounced in front of Spiderman, his hands clasped in front of him, looking like a little kid begging for a cookie despite being a former top mercenary and one of the most lethal people on the planet “Please Spidey!!! You’ve helped me so much!!! I know we can help her too!!!”

Harley joined Deadpool, bouncing in front of Spiderman her hands clasped in front of her, batting her long eyelashes at the hero.

“PLEASE!!!!” Deadpool flung his head back to belt out.

“PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE!!!” Harley whined along with him.

“PLEEEEAAAASE!!!!” Both of the anti heroes whined in sync, pouting with their bottom lips quivering.

Spiderman sighed, rubbing a hand across the bridge of his nose. “Fine.” he grumbled.

Wade and Harley linked hands ecstatically, giggling high-pitched and jumping up and down.

Spiderman leveled them with a harsh look “One condition though.” He pointed at Harley and she stared back at him owlishly. “You have to wear pants.”

Wade raised a finger. Without even looking at him Peter answered “Yes that means you too.”

Immediately there was a cry of “BOO!!” and “TYRANNY!” from the indignant anti-heroes.

Peter sighed. What was he getting into?   
  
  


 

Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Killer Croc and The Mad hatter stood in the alternate dimension, looking around nervously. 

“Huh.” Killer Croc looked out at the bustling traffic in front of the alley they had landed in “It just looks like regular New York…”

Catwoman leaned out of the alley, looking curiously out at the new world, a car honked angrily, the driver leaning out to yell at her. “WATCH IT FREAK I’M DRIVING HERE!”

Catwoman nodded, her eyebrows quirked up “Yup. Definitely New York.”

Poison Ivy squinted off into the distance. “That’s new though…” She pointed and the group looked at a skyscraper with a large blue letter “A” on the front of it. As they watched they could see a figure take off from the balcony, a slight haze of blue light around their red form.

Catwoman snapped and pointed at the figure “I’m guessing that’s where the heroes are in this world.”

The Mad Hatter scoffed “Curiouser and curiouser! Why the absolute nerve of the hero hooligans of this universe! At least the batcave was a secret! The impropriety! The scandal! The GALL!”

Killer Croc cocked his head “What do you think the ‘A’ stands for?”

Catwoman shrugged “A….Atomic...man?”

Hatter clapped his gloved hands together, jumping up and down excitedly “Alice! It could be Alice!”

“Ass-man.” Killer Croc snickered to himself, Mad Hatter groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah well whoever it is.” Ivy backed away, her vines rising from her arms and growing thick thorns along their lengths in preparation for a battle “They’re coming here!”

The red figure was in fact, coming closer. A blue haze surrounded their hands and feet as they streaked through the night sky.

“Crap.” Catwoman swore to herself, looking through the alley for an escape. She whisked her whip out and was about to attempt crawling onto a nearby fire escape when-

Killer croc trudged over to a nearby sewer grate and wrenched it open, the metal creaking and groaning “COME ON!”

“Why is it always sewers?” The Mad hatter pouted “Why can’t we ever escape through a lovely garden? Through a gallery? Maybe through the back of a bakery where we could take a couple blueberry scones, and yet here we go, about to jump into a SEWER. AGAIN.”

Killer Croc rolled his eyes, Poison Ivy and Catwoman jumping into the sewer behind them. “Just get into the fucking sewer, you whiney Limey.”

Mad Hatter turned up his large nose, his mouth pinched with indignation. “Fine. But I want you to know that I’m doing this because I want to, and not because you told me to.”

Killer Croc gave him a flat look and with one hand pushed the smaller man into the sewer. Hatter fell into the sewer with a yelp, his arms pinwheeling wildly, before there was a wet splatter below. Killer Croc chuckled and followed, putting the grate carefully back into place and bending the metal back into shape.

Killer Croc deftly landed in the filthy water just as The Mad Hatter coughed and sputtered, bedraggled and miserable as he picked himself up out of the muck.

Killer Croc looked around them, down either side of the massive tunnel, he scratched his head “I don’t think….” 

Hatter glared at him, wringing out his soaking wet hat “Then you shouldn’t speak.” He snapped back.

Killer Croc took the wet hat from the man and hit him across the face with it. The wet slap echoing through the tunnel as Hatter sputtered indignantly.

Poison Ivy looked down the tunnel, her vines snaking ominously around her and casting jagged shadows along the curved walls. “Well as long as we’re here, we might as well try to find some other villains.”

Hatter wrenched his hat back from Killer Croc, he glared at Croc for a moment before turning to Pamela “What do you mean?” He blinked, cocking his head.

Killer Croc began to follow the woman “Duh, It’s a sewer. Where else would go you looking for villains?”

Catwoman shrugged and followed suit. “You have a point there.”

They followed the tunnel for some time, rats fleeing at their approach, their eyes glowing ominously in the darkness. Poison Ivy produced an odd sort of bloom, a red flower unfurling with a sickly sweet scent, sending bio-luminescent spores through the tunnel like fireflies and allowing the travelers to navigate the maze of tunnels. Killer Croc was well suited for this environment, swimming ahead of the group, his tail flicking back and forth in the water. Mad Hatter trudged behind them, a sour look on his face, his nose crinkled from the stench.

“So…” Killer Croc began conversationally “Think we’ll meet our evil twins?”

Poison Ivy gave him a flat look “What?”

“That’s usually how it goes in the movies!” Killer Croc grumbled, looking away with an embarrassed blush.

Catwoman snorted “Don’t you think WE’RE the evil twins? If anything wouldn’t we find the good versions? ”

Hatter sighed. “I would love to meet a version of myself still working as a successful scientist…” He sighed dreamily “Successful in my field, not currently walking in a sewer, perhaps even Alice at home as my wife…”

Killer Croc snorted “Yeah right.”

Hatter shot him a dirty look “SHUT UP.”

Killer Croc rose to his full height out of the water. He looked down at Hatter with a sharp-toothed smirk. “You really do have the worst villain backstory.” He put his clawed hands together with an over dramatic pout  “Oh no! A girl won’t go out with me!” He mimicked the other man's accent poorly, high and whiney “Well I better turn evil, no other choice! Seriously? Fuck you dude.”

The hatter had a finger up, his face screwed in furious indignation. “WELL I NEVER-”

Killer Croc gave him a flat look “SHUT UP.” He put a clawed hand to his chest “I ALWAYS looked like this, you on the other hand had a choice, and you blew it.” He pointed down at Hatter and growled “And in all the other universes you probably found other ways to fuck it up just as bad.”

Killer Croc continued down the tunnel, Mad hatter staring at his retreating back. “Oh please.” Hatter scoffed “Kindly get off your high horse, FIEND, it doesn’t suit you. As if you never had a CHOICE to be something else before you became a villain.”

Killer Croc snorted, the group was coming to another section of the sewer, fluorescent lights beginning to flicker across the bricks of the tunnels. “Yeah right, I bet I’m in this universe with a PHD, drinking tea and eating crumpets.”

Just as Killer Croc finished speaking the group passed a wall, on a flat platform raised above the sewer water there was what looked to be a carefully constructed kitchen. Blue and white checkered tiles shone on the fluorescent lights.  A large reptilian man stared at them, apparently surprised at having sudden guests. He wore a large slightly ripped lab coat, a pair of reading glasses perched at the end of his snout.  A tea bag dangled from one clawed hand, held over a delicate looking flowered tea cup. On the slightly battered table before him there was in fact, a plate of crumpets.

The group stared, Killer Croc’s eyes wide with horror.

The man cleared his throat. “Hello!” he waved a clawed hand meekly and pushed up his reading glasses “I am Doctor Connors, Also known as the uh...as The Lizard…”

Killer Croc screamed.

  
  
  


Bruce Wayne sat in a long dining hall alone, the early morning light shining through the absurdly tall windows. He wore a blue velvet robe, looking pensively at this morning’s newspaper.

Alfred walked into the room, the picture of dignification. He set a silver platter in front of the brooding millionaire. Lifting the tray up revealed an elegant serving of eggs Benedict, fruit compote on toast, and thick cut maple brown sugar bacon.

Bruce continued to stare at the article in front of him, humming in the back of his throat.

“Something wrong with this morning’s paper sir?” Alfred asked, setting a glass of mimosa next to the already lavish breakfast.

Bruce threw the paper onto the table, one eyebrow raised. “This morning’s headline is about taxes...”

Alfred shrugged, looking down at a minuscule stain on the table suspiciously “And that’s bad because…”

Bruce put a hand to his mouth pensively, throwing Alfred a look of deep contemplation and suspicion. “This is Gotham Alfred, home of some the most dangerous criminals on the planet, since when has any headline been about something as mundane as taxes?”

Alfred shrugged “They might be on holiday, everyone needs a break.” He gave Bruce a sidelong glance “Unlike some people.”

Bruce didn’t seem to register the quip though, still staring moodily at the newspaper. “...I don’t trust it.”

Alfred rolled his eyes “Of course you don’t sir.”

Bruce’s eyes narrowed “They’re planning something. I know it.”

Alfred nodded along, his eyebrows quirked. “Yes yes. They may even be planning a vacation, or visiting their in-laws. The absolute fiends. I tell you what, I’ll get you some day passes to the spa and maybe you’ll see them there.”

A small upturn at the edge of Bruce’s lips betrayed a small smile. “Alfred I-”

The phone rang and Bruce picked it up. “...Really?” He sighed and rubbed his temples “I’ll be in as soon as I can.”

Alfred sighed, resting a head in a white-gloved hand “I take it they weren’t at the spa then…”

Bruce sighed and leaned back in his chair “There was a break in at Wayne industries late last night.”

Alfred sighed. “You think they would choose somewhere else every once in awhile.”   
  


 

Bruce Wayne arrived at Wayne industries early that morning, in the lobby a couple of paramedics were tending to the disoriented security guards, still recovering from the Mad Hatter’s mind control cards. The security guards groaned and rubbed their temples as paramedics put blankets around their shoulders, one particularly woozy guard threw up in a bucket at his feet. “Every goddamn week…” The guard wheezed as he came up from the bucket, his face still green “We don’t get paid enough for this.”

Bruce had to agree, and made a mental note to give them a substantial pay raise.

He followed the lines of police and various detectives up to the department that apparently was the victim of this week’s burglary.

“Inter-dimensional research and development”

Fantastic.

Fucking. Fantastic.

A couple of detectives nodded as Bruce walked by. “Hello Mr. Wayne.” One policewoman greeted him.

“Nice to see you again, Shirley.” Bruce answered back, nodding a bit. This was getting to be too much of a routine.

Some detectives were crowded around a very haggard-looking man, a blanket around his shoulders and a grim look on his face.

“So the first group to go through the portal was Catwoman, Ivy, Killer Croc and The Mad hatter?” One police officer asked, their bushy grey mustache bristling with confusion.

The man nodded anxiously “Ivy in particular was very anxious to go. They had me lock onto a signal that had occurred the night before.” He was shuddering and as he waved his arms in emphasis they could see bloody chafe marks from where he had been tied. 

The police nodded, scribbling down the information in those little flippy notebooks all cops have for some reason. Another detective piped up “And the second group was The Joker, Two-face and a large group of unidentified individuals?”

Bruce Wayne stepped cautiously through the area, his eyes scanning the area for clues.

“The group went first, they answered to The Joker so they had to have been his gang, then Joker got Two-face to go through the portal and then he went himself.”

There, thrown haphazardly across the room and wedged between a desk and the wall there was a battered looking tablet. Making sure that each cop was looking away, Bruce Wayne leaned down as if to tie his shoes, pocketing the device in one smooth move before standing back up, smoothing down his suit jacket.

Back at the Bat-cave, Batman delicately worked on the broken electronic, he had a pair of goggles on over his cowl, soldering together a couple of broken wires and examining his work.

“Hey Bats!” A red-headed girl smiled at him, wearing her own bat-cowl. Batgirl sat down next to Bruce in a neighboring office chair. “What are you working on?”

Batman took off his goggles to survey his work “A broken tablet I found at the recent Wayne industries break in.” He fished around for a USB cable “About half of the city’s villains went through a portal and I want to know where, and why.”

Connecting the shattered tablet to a monitor in the bat-cave showed a grainy surveillance tape. On the tape that just about everyone but Batman had seen at this point, The Joker pushed Harley Quinn out of the Warehouse window, smacking into the dumpster below before finally falling into the alley.

Batgirl gasped and put a hand to her mouth. “Oh my god!”

Batman glowered and fast-forwarded an hour or so in the tape until a blue portal spat out a screaming red and black blur.

“What the heck…”Batgirl arched an eyebrow. “Is that guy dressed as some kind of...ladybug?”

“I was going to guess Panda actually.” Alfred stated coolly where he dusted one of Batman’s trophies off to the side “A red panda...It certainly fits!...But a ladybug is fine too…”

“Whatever he is…” Batman watched as the man was completely shattered on impact, only to heal rapidly, wrenching his bones back into place. “He uses the same kind of portal the Joker and the rest of them used. This must be the ‘Earlier signal’ they had the technician lock onto”

The red-suited man on the tape, picked Harley gently up out of the alleyway, he seemed to be whistling as he carried Harley out.

Batgirl crossed her arms “Why would The Joker even care? He’s awful to Harley! He’s the one that threw her into that alley in the first place!”

Batman loaded the footage onto a small thumb drive and put it into his utility belt. “Because he is a violent narcissist, and to him, throwing something away is different than having it taken from him.”

Batgirl scowled.

Batman stood up, an air of finality about him “I’m going to reactivate the portal at Wayne Industries and follow them.”

Batgirl  threw her arms back “Really? They’re in another dimension! Isn’t that just a TAD out of our jurisdiction?”

“They’re from my city, therefore they’re my responsibility.” Batman answered back placidly, loading various tools into his utility belt “Besides I need to get to Harley before The Joker does, Harley’s mysterious new friend can regrow limbs...but she can’t...”

Barbara shuddered at the thought, she turned towards Batman with a questioning look “Well...can I go with you?”

Batman squinted at her and shook his head “It’s too dangerous, besides I’ll need someone to look after Gotham while I’m gone.”

“Oh come on!” Barbara was nearly shaking with excitement, her hands balled up into fists “There have been six of Gotham’s most dangerous criminals unleashed on some helpless alternate dimension! Six! Besides Gotham still has Robin and Nightwing! They could even call in Creeper if things REALLY get bad!”

Alfred scoffed, holding his feather duster to him and scowling “Ugh...The creeper… The man only wears underwear and a feather boa, that’s not a vigilante, that’s a hooligan on the train you avoid eye contact with.”

Batman considered this for a moment, looking back at Barbara who was smiling her fists out eagerly in front of her. “...Fine.”

Barbara squealed and jumped excitedly up and down.

He pointed one gloved finger at her “Stay close. Listen to what I tell you to do.” Batman warned her.

Barbara nodded seriously, her hand coming up in a salute “Of course!”

Batman nodded at her. “Then let’s go.”   
  


 

Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Killer Croc and The Mad Hatter were all sitting comfortably around The Lizard’s kitchen table in his hideout in the sewers. Doctor Connor’s had just finished pouring them all a cup of tea. 

The Mad Hatter was obviously delighted, dipping a scone into the tea. “I have no Idea what is going on-” He stuffed the scone into his mouth “But this is positively delightful!” He crowed, scone crumbs flying everywhere.

Doctor Connors nodded at him and smiled “Happy to have you here! It’s so rare to have company. Now you mentioned being villains from another dimension? How marvelous!”

Killer Croc banged his scaly head into the table. “Fucking even alternate universe me has a PHD…” Catwoman snickered into her cup of tea, looking away when Killer Croc shot her a dirty look.

Doctor Connors sat down at the head of the table, he dunked a scone in his tea before throwing the entire scone into his maw. “If it makes you feel better I don’t think that I am ‘alternate universe you’ I became this way after using an experimental serum derived from the green anole lizard with the purpose of regenerating an arm.” 

He sighed and took a sip of tea made awkward by his large muzzle. “Well it worked! Mostly…” He gave Killer Croc an appraising look “In your case it appears to be more of a case of extreme atavism, also known as a “throwback”, when modern creatures show signs of their distant ancestors, in your case going so far back as to show traits from before mammalian life…”

“Hey!” Killer Croc snapped his scaly fingers and pointed at the other reptile man “Atavism! That’s just what the social worker said!”

Poison Ivy was practically vibrating in her seat she was so impatient, staring at The Lizard, her grip on the teacup in front of her so tight it was a miracle she didn’t shatter the delicate ceramic. She passed Catwoman’s tablet across the table “Do you know this man? Is he a hero here?”

The lizard pushed up his glasses and peered at the video, Deadpool picking Harley up from the alley and walking out with her in his arms.

Connor’s mouth pulled into a grimace. “Oh...THAT guy...That’s Deadpool…”

Catwoman snorted in her tea “Deadpool? What even is a Deadpool? A pool full of death?”

Poison Ivy nodded to herself “So he IS a hero here.”

Connors shook his head “He’s no hero. He’s one of this universe’s most lethal mercenaries.”

Ivy’s pupils narrowed and she gripped the tablet so roughly that it broke with a shatter of glass and a spark of electricity. The vines around her curled and coiled, thorns the size of railway spikes forming along their lengths. “A mercenary?” She growled. “What would a mercenary want with MY HARLEY?”

Hatter held his tea away from her as if she would attack the group at any moment. “Now Ivy, dear, if he’s a villain that may be a good thing! We certainly have found fellows among our own ranks, this means we can talk with him.”

Doctor Connors scoffed, taking another sip of tea “I doubt it. He is insane, unstable, unreasonably violent, and oddly enough, completely immortal..”

Pamela got up to pace back and forth at the end of the table, her vines whipping back and forth behind her, wringing her hands nervously. “Oh god Harley...What would he want with her?” Her hands clenched into fists and the vines around her shot thick thorns in every direction, embedding themselves in the wooden table, the stone walls and one through The Hatter’s hat. “I WONDER HOW IMMORTAL HE WILL BE WHEN I WRENCH HIM LIMB FROM LIMB!”

Catwoman ran a claws across the table in thought. “...So great.. The worst villain of this universe and-”

Doctor Connors shook his head “No I didn’t say he was a villain per say…”

Killer Croc’s mouth screwed up and he raised a clawed hand in a confused gesture, Ivy stopped Pacing in order to listen “But you JUST said that-”

Doctor Connors shrugged “Yes yes, the insanity, the violence and the immortality. I’m sure if he TRIED he could be a decent villain, but all he seems to do is kill people for money, even at that he chooses targets almost exclusively with criminal backgrounds. He refuses to kill children and mostly just runs around being an idiot and making a mess. He’s more of an annoying nuisance than anything.”

The villains were paused in thought, Pamela’s vines began to slowly withdraw. 

Catwoman shrugged, waving a paw “So he’s just...some weird guy?”

Killer Croc raised a scaled eyebrow “Just a weird guy my scaly ass, he’s still an insane immortal who has Harley.”

Poison Ivy turned to Doctor Connors “Where can we find him?”

Doctor Connors pointed above them “He’s been working with a hero recently, Spiderman, young idealist, you know the type, I happen to fight him regularly. We are all still trying to figure out whether Deadpool is playing a long con with the hero, or if he’s actually turning a new leaf. Probably the first option, but who knows with that one.”

Catwoman raised an eyebrow “Spiderman? That’s sounds more like a villain name...I mean...think of it...Spiders...Ew.”

Pamela sighed and rubbed her temples. “For fucks sake Harley…” She whispered to herself “You have the worst luck when it comes to men…”

Catwoman smiled and leaned back in her chair “So if this Deadpool is playing hero then we get his attention the same way we get any hero’s attention.”

Killer Croc grinned, showing off a multitude of sharp teeth, he hit one scaled fist into an open palm “BY FUCKING SHIT UP.”

Poison Ivy smiled, slow and wide, a dark gleam in her eye. She put a hand on a hip “And once we get him...bring him to me…”   
  


 

Spiderman and Deadpool sat together on the couch, Spiderman looking distrustfully down at the leather under him. “So….” Spiderman began, sitting on the couch like it might explode “What are we doing again?” Bud and Lou had taken a shine to Spiderman, probably because the hero still smelled like tacos, and were lounging at his feet, Lou had their head on Spiderman’s lap and the hero scratched their ears absentmindedly.

Wade sighed “Spidey-poo haven’t you ever seen an eighties movie? Harley-barley needs a new outfit to superhero around in, THAT means we have to have an outfit montage, and who can have an outfit montage without a couple of sassy friends sitting to shake their heads repeatedly at different looks before we find the perfect outfit?”

Spiderman sighed “Wade I don’t care what she fights crime in, I mean you dress the way you do.”

Wade gasped and put a hand to his chest, his eyes wide as he stared at Spiderman “EXCUSE ME. MY COSTUME IS FUCKING AWESOME. YOUR COSTUME IS TOTAL BUTT”

Spiderman gave him a flat look. “Well I meant when you go out in dresses sometimes, but if you want to be that way... then your usual costume looks like a non-licensed Spiderman doll at the carnival that was sewn by someone who had a gun fetish.”

Wade began to wheeze with laughter, he crashed down to the couch shaking with laughter “Oh baby boy you have no idea how accurate that is.”

Spiderman couldn’t help but laugh with him “Seriously? You based your costume off of me?”

Wade giggled “Yeah! I made some obvious improvements though.” He sat up and began to pose dramatically, flexing, cocking his head and giving Spiderman a kissy-face through the mask. Spiderman laughed and Deadpool seemed extremely satisfied with himself. “Also you can’t judge my costume, your costume looks like you watched too many luchadores as a kid.”

Spiderman snorted “I never thought of that but...first time I got my powers I did actually try to be a wrestler.”

“NO WAY!” Deadpool crowed “YOU?”

Spiderman snorted and pushed Deadpool good-naturedly “Shut up.”

Deadpool continued to laugh and Spiderman smiled. This was nice. It felt like how things used to be before-

“Ok sugarplum! Are ya ready for the first costume?” Harley called from Wade’s bedroom at the end of the hall.

Oh yeah…

Her…

Wade sat up on the couch, rubbing his hands together “Woo! Bring on the costumes! Eighties montage activated!”

[Eighties montage music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D-QD_HIfjA&list=RDQM5oKf3Oamugg&index=2)

Spiderman slouched back down on the couch “Wade I don’t care what she fights crime in!”

Wade leaned in “Spidey! Be supportive! It’s her first time crime fighting!” He hissed.

Spiderman rolled his eyes “Honestly Wade, there’s nothing she can do that-”

Harley kicked open the door “TA DAHHH!!!” She wore black boots, fishnet stockings that showed off some tattoos she had on her legs, a gold necklace proudly spelled ‘puddin’ in gold letters, a teeny tiny pair of red and blue booty shorts and somehow-

The ‘Daddy’s little monster’ baseball t-shirt.

“NO!” Deadpool put his hands to his face and sank to the floor dramatically “I PUT THAT BACK ON THE RACK!”

Harley grinned triumphantly “AHAHAHA! I SNUCK IT IN THE CART WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING! I AM THE MASTER OF STEALTH AND DECEPTION!” She kicked out a leg and punched the air. “NINJA STEALTH MASTAH!”

Wade clenched his fists “I swear to god I will burn that shirt.” 

Spiderman shook his head “You look like a roller derby girl who forgot to put on pants.”

“Who wears heels that high to a battle?” Wade added.

“The shirt just SCREAMS daddy issues.”

“That’s what I said before!”

Harley put her hands to her hips, turning away with her nose in the air “Obviously! You both are butts with ab-so-lute-ly no sense of fashion!”

Deadpool linked hands with Spiderman and turned coquettishly on the couch “Young missy your father and I will not let you go out dressed like that.”

Spiderman was confused but rolled with it. “Listen to your mother dear. We only want what’s best for you.”

Harley growled and stomped back into the room, slamming the door behind her “I HATE YOU!”

Harley went through several more outfits, ranging from an argyle shirt with puffed sleeve and jean shorts, several versions of her jester’s hat, red and black shorts or frilly black skirts, once even with a nurse hat and lab coat complementing her usual black and red corset.

Deadpool sighed “The creators really do need to come up with a set design for her and then just leave it be. I mean what were they even thinking in some of those video game versions of her?”

Spiderman turned to Deadpool “What?”

“Nothing.”

Harley groaned and hit her head into the doorway “Wade….” She slumped against the wall “I know you wanted to have a good and proper 80’s montage but goddamn...montages are exhausting…”

Wade shrugged “Wanna just put on a pair of shorts and a top and we’ll go?”

Harley ended up wearing a pair of black shorts, red and black converse shoes, and a red tank top accented by a black corset. Her hair was pulled into her two usual pigtails. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but…” She grinned and spun her hammer, striking a pose “Let’s STOP some crime!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all! I was going to save this update for the 15th but when I saw that it was Friday the 13th? How could I not??? Update??? today???
> 
> Anywho I fucking love comments. Comment if you liked it, comment if you didn't like it and want to yell at me, and comment if you're apathetic.
> 
> I didn't get to some things I wanted to in this chapter but yanno you gotta build a house before you can set it on fire and this was already 22 pages, much longer than what I had previously agreed on which was 15.
> 
> Now for the bad/good news my beautiful readers...I will be participating in Nanorimo this year. I will be working on my rough novel "Mothwoman and the Professor" and posting rough chapters when I have them, if you like victorian monster mysteries and fucktons of sass, then go ahead and check it out! However this does mean that I will be taking a month long break from updating fanfiction, yes you may weep now. However do not despair! I have not forgotten about you or abandoned anything, I'm just trying my hand at novelization. Updates will resume once the month is over.


	4. Team black and blue and red all over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Harley's first night as New York's newest super hero! Joker and Two-face make their way into the Marvel dimension. Director Fury is PISSED. Poison Ivy and the gang are poised to make their move and it involves a certain little spider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! sorry I haven't updated this in a long time! I ran out of steam for a good long while to write this while I focused on my other Marvel and Homestuck fics. I was finally able to finish "Thor God of Thunder, sitter of babies" though in the meantime, so that's good. Check it out if you wanna see Thor being a nanny. 
> 
> Sorry for taking so long and I hope this chapter is worth the wait! Please comment your reactions!

Deadpool did a dramatic sumersault out of his apartment, exiting the window with a twirling flourish. He put one foot on the railing, the eyes of his mask narrowed as he looked over at the dark city.

“IT’S TIME!” Deadpool’s voice was over exaggeratedly deep, the smokey baritone of a beleaguered hero, the cop on patrol only one day from retirement, the detective after his criminal. He clenched a fist in front of him, the almost-hero framed fittingly by the dark and smokey New York night. The city was sprawled out in front of him, pale yellow light from a thousand windows, each light representing a life, a person, like so many stars that struggle to shine through the smog. The brick behind him aged and sooty made for a fittingly dark and gritty backdrop. Quentin Tarantino would be proud. Either that, or Quentin Tarantino would send a cease and desist order, but it turns out that he’s an asshole, so we don’t really care what Quentin Tarantino thinks.

Anyways-

Deadpool looked out at the city. New York’s red and black suited protector. He wore around his shoulders, fluttering dramatically in the breeze, the Hello Kitty blanket that-

….

He was still wearing the Hello Kitty blanket.

Deadpool pulled up the waistband of his costume, the leather squeaking a bit before he adjusted where the neon pink patterned felt was tied around his shoulders in the facsimile of a cape. He turned to Harley Quinn “WELL DEAD-GIRL? ARE YOU READY TO PROTECT THE FINE CITIZENS OF NEW YORK?”

Below him in the alleyway, conveniently visible under Deadpool’s neon pink blanket cape, a drunk man was peeing on the brick wall opposite to them.

Harley trotted over to stand next to Deadpool, the teenage mutant ninja turtles felt blanket wound over her head and tied at her collar, making a little felt hood, her blue eyes shining brightly under the green. Her lips were pursed tentatively “I ain’t exactly feeling a 100% on the name “Dead-girl” mistah D to tell ya the truth… seems ta be a state I wouldn’t mind avoidin’ thank you very much”

Deadpool turned to her, stroking his chin with a hand “You need a new name though! A HERO NAME!” He took either end of the pink Hello Kitty blanket, maneuvering it so that it flapped majestically, or what he thought was majestically, really he was just holding a piece of felt while making wind noises with his mouth. Harley clapped appreciatively anyways.

Harley hummed, her eyes narrowed in thought under the green felt, her colored pigtails peeking out on either end “Mistah D I ain’t really the best at choosing names, Harley Quinn is just a shortened version of my real people name, yanno- Harleen Quinzel?” She shrugged and huffed out a puff of air, waving a hand vaguely “b’sides! I ain’t exactly from around here! Who’s ta know what kinda non-legal shenanigans I got inta?”

Deadpool turned to her, his finger tapping against his masked lip in thought “How about… POOL-GAL?” presenting the option with a pair of jazz hands as if a snazzy presentation would make it more appealing.

Harley gave him a flat look “That’s even worse than the first one! Makes it sound like I’m some bimbo in a bikini!” She crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at him childishly “And lemme tell you mistah- most days I remember to wear pants!”

Deadpool put his hands to his hips, he considered sticking his tongue back out at her but decided against it as he would only really be be licking the inside of his mask. Ah, the sacrifices one must make for fashion. He decided to mentally stick his tongue out at her instead. “And just WHAT is wrong with bimbos in bikinis?” He put a hand to his face in mock offense, gasping dramatically “You bikini-phobic… If you don’t like my names then YOU think of something!”

“That’s not fair!” Harley protested “I already said I was bad at names!” Harley bit her lip, her brow furrowing. She turned to look back into the apartment “HEY SPIDER-DORK!”

Spiderman was on Wade’s couch, a video game controller in his hands “Wait what?” He turned to Harley, the eyes on his mask wide. His character died on screen as soon as he was turned away. He whipped his head back as soon as he heard the sound of the death, glaring at the “GAME OVER” screen. “Mother-hugger! I swear…”

Harley grinned, putting both hands to her cheeks, one foot popping up “Oh my fucking god that’s so cute! You swear like a grandma!”

Spiderman blushed under his mask “I don’t swear like a grandma!”

Deadpool turned and smiled at Spiderman as well, his hands on his cheeks as well “Awww!” He cocked his head “He really is cute isn’t he! Before he met me he didn’t swear at all!” He sighed and clasped his hands together “And just the other day he said his first F-word…”

He pulled out a polaroid from his belt pocket. The picture was a tad scratched from being folded in Deadpool’s utility belt, the white band on the bottom of the polaroid was labeled as “Baby boy’s first time saying fuck”, the sentence was written in red marker, a little heart drawn at the end. The photo was a selfie-style picture, Wade looking directly into the camera and smiling. Spiderman was behind him, his head hanging, covering his face despairingly with both hands, the scene lit by a blazing fire behind them.

Harley leaned over his shoulder, resting her chin there and smiling “Awwww!” She sniffed and wiped an imaginary tear from her cheek “They just grow up so fast don’t they mistah D?” 

Spiderman sighed, putting the game controller besides him on the couch “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Harley perked up “Oh yeah!” She struck a heroic pose by the window, hefting her hammer over her shoulder and cocking her hips, one eyebrow raised mischievously. Deadpool crouched down and took the corners of her teenage mutant ninja turtles blanket in his hands and flapped the little makeshift cape while making “heroic” wooshing sounds under his breath. Harley smiled “What should my hero name be?”

Spiderman arched a brow under his mask “um….” His eyes traveled over Harley nervously, silently cataloging everything he could see. Felt blanket, hammer, red shorts...He grimaced “Red….” He shrugged, his voice going higher with uncertainty, his hands coming up palms first apologetically  “....Lady?”

Deadpool and Harley stared back at at him. Blank looks on their faces, their arms crossed in front of them.

Deadpool motioned forcefully out in front of him “RED LADY? REALLY?”

Harley sighed, putting a delicate hand to her temple “I shoulda known not to ask a guy who calls himself ‘Spiderman’…”

The eyes on Spiderman’s mask widened before narrowing with indignation. He pointed at the both of them with an accusing finger “HEY! YOU ASKED! I HAD NO PREP TIME!” He crossed his arms testily “I might as well call you ‘Hammer-time’ based on how much I know about you! Which is pretty much zip! And just so you know I-”

Deadpool and Harley turned towards each other matching grins on their faces, each of them emitting a high-pitched squeak. They linked hands, jumping up and down excitedly like a couple of middle-schoolers at the school dance who hadn’t gone to a school dance before and mistakenly thought they were about to do something actually fun.

“THAT’S IT!” They crowed. “THAT! IS! IT!!!”

Spiderman’s brows furrowed, his hand still out where he has paused mid-rant “What’s it?”

Harley squeaked, her fists up with excitement “CAN’T TOUCH DIS!”

“Woo!” Deadpool pumped his fists! “Time for some appropriately themed music!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo

Deadpool patted her vaguely on the arm, still looking at Spiderman with excitement “SPIDEY! SPIDEY-POO! WE NEED TO GET HER A PAIR OF GOLD PANTS! PARACHUTE PANTS! AND A LEATHER JACKET! AND A BIG GOLD CHAIN AND-”

Harley gasped, tugging on her pigtails, her eyes wide with excitement “Oh my GAWD! Can you imagine me round kicking someone in the face while wearing a pair of parachute pants?” She grinned, her hands balling up into fists, biting her lip as she imagined the scene “THAT WOULD BE SO COOL!”

Spiderman put his head in his hands “Noooo! You aren’t allowed to name yourself after an MC Hammer song lyric! No parachute pants!”

Harley and Deadpool pouted. Their lips quivering.

Spiderman gave them both a flat look, his arms folded resolutely. He glared back at them, the eyes on his mask narrowing. He wasn’t going to budge this time! It was too stupid! It was-

Deadpool whimpered and Harley’s eyes filled with tears.

Oh goddamnit.

He sighed. “Alright look.” he waved a hand vaguely “You can be…” He groaned quietly to himself “...Hammer-time…” Harley perked up, emitting a high-pitched excited squeal, she reached out like she was going to hug Spiderman, but before she could he pointed a finger at her, stopping her in her tracks “JUST UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT A BETTER NAME!” He warned. Harley nodded seriously, her pigtails bouncing up and down with the motion.

Harley reached for Deadpool’s hand. He clasped her hand and both of them began to squee excitedly, smiling and jumping up and down. From the amount of time the two idiots spent jumping excitedly up and down Wade’s downstairs neighbor was bound to be getting pissed off by now, but really if you were neighbors with Deadpool would that REALLY be your first worry?

“BUT!” Spiderman warned them, his lips pressed into a hard line behind his mask “She’s NOT wearing parachute pants!”

The lunatics paused their incessant squeeing and bobbing to give Spiderman a pair of over exaggerated pouts “Awww….” Harley and Deadpool pouted, their shoulders slumping.

Deadpool raised a hand shyly, his shoulders hunched, he tapped his pointer fingers together nervously “....C-Can I wear the parachute pants?...Pwease?”

Spiderman gave him a look. “NO. NOBODY IS WEARING PARACHUTE PANTS.”

Deadpool pouted, putting his hand down shyly. Harley patted him on the shoulder consoling him.

Spiderman crossed his arms “Thems the breaks, kid. Take it or leave it.”

Harley nodded, her brows furrowed with determination, smacking her fist into an open palm “I’LL TAKE IT!” she put her hands to her chest and closed her eyes, sighing dreamily “But in my heart...in my heart I’m wearing parachute pants…”

Deadpool sniffed, running a finger under his eye. He put a hand on Harley’s shoulder “That’s...that’s beautiful…So inspiring...” He turned to Spiderman, his hands clasped together “Don’t we all wear parachute pants just a little bit in our hearts? Huh Spidey?”

Spiderman sighed. Working with one Deadpool was hard enough, and now it was like there were two of them… even if he was getting paid for this, he wouldn’t be getting paid enough for this. He didn’t want to think about how much Deadpool and Harley complimented each other but… they really were alike… They made a good cou-

-He shook his head to free himself from that thought, running a gloved hand down his face “...whatever...Are you ready for patrol?”

“WOO!” Harley brandished her hammer, swinging it in a wide arc and accidentally hitting a vase on the side table by the couch, just about the only really nice thing Deadpool seemed to own, rocketing it into the wall where it shattered into a million pieces. “LEMME AT EM COACH!”

Deadpool didn’t really seem bothered by the destruction of his property, not even glancing to the shattered vase. He already destroyed enough of his stuff on a regular basis. He screamed excitedly, taking a bomb from his belt and lighting the fuse like a cliche cartoon villain “YES! ACTION!”

Spiderman rolled up his mask to his nose, licking his first two gloved fingers and using it to extinguish the bomb Deadpool had taken out. “No bombs.”

Deadpool couldn’t help but to stare, the eyes of his mask wide. “....that was kinda hot do it again.”

Spiderman ignored him. He rolled his mask back down and put his hands on his hips “Alright, meeting up on the roof before we go out.” He motioned forcefully with a hand.

Harley flopped her arms down dramatically, stomping her red and black boots petulantly “BUT MOM!”

Spiderman gave him a glare, his hands on his hips. He pointed at the open window “Both of you! Now!”

Deadpool sighed and trudged out of the window, his shoulders slumping. Harley followed behind him, sheepishly chewing in her bottom lip and twirling a pigtail like a little kid that just got yelled at by the teacher. 

Deadpool clambered out onto the balcony and quickly hoisted himself up, jumping from the metal fire escape outside of his apartment and pulling himself up to a windowsill above him, he swung his legs and used the momentum to swing to yet another windowsill. 

He then clambered onto the roof, his head peeking out over the edge to look down at Harley and Spiderman “Olly olly Oxenfree! Come and climb my apple tree!” He sing-songed back down to them “The apple tree is a metaphor for my penisss Spidey…..Spidey it’s a metaphor! Spidey do you get it? It’s a metaphor!”

Spiderman sighed “Wade, shut up.” 

“METAPHOR.” Wade whispered loudly, both hands cupped around his mouth.

Spiderman squinted up at him. “No, you’re a metaphor.” Spiderman quipped back, knowing Deadpool would appreciate the surrealist humor.

“OH NO!” Deadpool flopped over dramatically, his torso leaning over the edge of the building as he fake sobbed. “I HAVE TRULY AND THOROUGHLY BEEN BURNED” His brows furrowed, tapping a finger contemplatively to his chin. “But what am I a metaphor for?... Capitalism? The failure of the mental health system? Another big red penis?... yeah that sounds right… Freud would be so proud.”

Spiderman norted, rolling his eyes at Wade, he turned back to Harley, giving her side-long glance. She peered back at him, her blue eyes bright beneath the green hood of the teenage mutant ninja turtles felt blanket. Spiderman rubbed the back of his neck “so….” he began awkwardly “Do you need help or-”

Harley grinned and shook her head, her pigtails bouncing where they peeked out from either side of the blanket “Nah! It’s good mistah S! A lady’s gotta have a few tricks up her sleeve yanno?”

Harley lifted the edge of her blanket, tucking the hammer into a holster on her back. She stepped onto the railing, rising en pointe, like a graceful ballerina wearing combat boots. She raised a leg, poised and-

Harley flipped into a handstand, gripping the metal in dainty-looking hands, she bent her elbows, grinning cheekily at Spiderman and giggling. “WATCH THIS MOM!” She launched herself into the air “NO HANDS!” She hooked her legs on a convenient horizontal flag pole outside of Deadpool’s neighbor’s window, spinning for a moment, the flagpole caught in the bend of her knees, her arms hanging loosely. She laughed, the blanket and her pigtails swaying below her as she hung onto the pole with her knees. She rocked back and forth before she spun around the pole with the finesse of an olympic gymnast. She unhooked her legs, letting herself fall only to quickly pull out her hammer and hook it onto the pole. She spun again, laughing joyously, she used her momentum, using the flagpole like a spring. She rocketed through the air, touching the brick wall for only a moment, jumping off to the opposite wall, jumping off again, somersaulting through the air and landing gracefully onto the edge of the roof, lowering into a perfect splits on the thin brick edge of the roof.

Deadpool grinned at her, his smile wide behind his mask, his hands on either cheeks.

Harley grinned at Deadpool “ANNNND-” She rose from her splits only to bow again, her pigtails and blanket flopping gracelessly over her head “FINITO!”

Deadpool began to clap, his brows raised behind his mask. He rolled up his mask to put two fingers in his mouth for a whistle “BRAVA! BRAVA! BELLISIMA!”

“Thank you. Thank you.” Harley bowed to Deadpool as well as an imaginary audience “I’ll be here all week! Tip your waiters and waitresses! They have fucking rent to pay! I see you over there trying to leave a pile of nickels! Stuff those up your ass!”

“Huh…” Spiderman watched where he was still on Deadpool’s balcony. He suddenly felt a competitive streak go through him. “Nice….but I can do better.”

Spiderman backed as far as he could into Deadpool’s apartment, he ran onto the balcony, bracing a foot onto the ledge. He webbed the pole across from him that Harley had used, pulling down on the flag pole until it was bent into an arc, the metal groaning as it was strained. Spiderman released and let the flagpole fling him into the air. He shot past the windows and past the edge of the building. Harley and Deadpool gasped watching as Spiderman flipped, once, twice, three times in the air before falling back down, coming to a landing at the edge of the roof.

Harley and Deadpool stared for a moment, Harley’s blue eyes and the white eyes of Deadpool’s mask wide.

Spiderman looked back at the both of them, unnerved at the lack of response. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “...uh….ta da?”

“HOLY SHIT!” Harley threw up her hands before taking a pigtail in each hand and pulling, her eyes wide. “THAT WAS FRIGGIN AMAZING!”

“AGAIN!” Deadpool demanded, bouncing his fists up and down excitedly in front of him “DO IT AGAIN!”

Spiderman blushed a bit under the mask and smiled. “Uh…” he chuckled and stepped closer to Harley and Deadpool. “...Thanks guys.”

Deadpool hummed, looking from Harley to Deadpool. “Both of you guys are so cool. I just climbed up the building...like a nerd. I feel like I should go again. Should I go again?”

Harley patted Wade’s arm. “It’s ok tootz you’re a winner in my book.” She leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek. “MWAH!”

Spiderman looked away, coughing into a fist. “Right uh. I brought you both up here to talk some ground rules before we went out.”

Harley’s hand went up. She bit her lip and wiggled her hand around to get Spiderman’s attention.

Spiderman pointed to her. “Yes, Harley?”

Harley put her hand down “Shouldn’t we be on the ground to talk ground rules?”

Deadpool nodded sagely, pressing his hands together. “She’s right you know, this is a roof we should be talking roof rules.”

Spiderman sighed. “Ok I brought you up here to talk about GENERAL RULES when it comes to HERO WORK.” He held a finger up. “First rule of the night. No killing.”

Deadpool and Harley groaned. 

“First you don’t let me wear parachute pants!” Harley threw up her hands “And now this!”

Deadpool hugged his knees, looking up at Spiderman with a pout. “But I brought my good stabbing knives! THE GOOD ONES!”

Spiderman crossed his arms. “You know the rules!”

Deadpool raised his hand questioningly.

Spiderman gave him a flat look. “And no ‘unaliving’ people still counts as killing.”

Deadpool lowered his hand. He hugged his knees to his chest with a pout. Harley patted him consolingly on the back.

“Continuing off of the first rule…” Spiderman paced back and forth in front of the two anti-heroes “You do what you do to incapacitate them, then I’ll web them up and leave them for the police to find.”

Harley raised a hand.

Spiderman pointed at her again. “Yes, lady up front with the question.”

Harley lowered her hand “On a scale from ‘love tap’ to ‘brain damage’ how hard am I allowed to hit people?”

Spiderman nodded “Great question. I would say hard enough to knock them out cold, try not to leave lasting brain damage, but the longer they’re out the better.”

Harley fished out a mechanical pencil and a small notebook from the pocket of her costume. Her tongue peeking out of her mouth as she began to write notes. “Hard enough ta scramble the egg a bit, but not enough ta crack it.”

Spiderman shrugged. “...uh... I guess that’s a good way to think of it.” he motioned towards his jaw “hits to the chin or jaw leave them sore, but knocks them out without cracking their skull. Other than that, a jab to the throat will leave them wheezing and unwilling to fight, but not cause much permanent damage.”

Harley tapped the eraser of the mechanical pencil to her bottom lip as she thought. “Yanno with the amount of times I’ve been knocked out cold by a punch from Batman I should be able to remember how he did it bettah…”

Spiderman raised a brow “Batman?”

Harley shrugged “I ain’t exactly from around here hun. He was the hero where I was.”

Spiderman grimaced “A hero? Sounds more like a villain name. A really bad villain.”

Harley shrugged. “He always seemed pretty heroic ta me…”

Spiderman looked out into the distance “but….bats? Bats are spooky? Wouldn’t it make more sense for a villain to be bat-themed?”

Deadpool gave him a flat look. “Oh, coming from SPIDERMAN?”

Spiderman crossed his arms and rolled his eye under his mask. “Shut up! Spiders are cool! Batman sounds like a character in some thirteen year old’s slash fanfiction.”

Deadpool grinned, wide enough to show under the spandex of his mask. “That’s what I said!”

“My name is Darkness Dementia Batman.” Spiderman and Deadpool spoke in unison. Both men grinned at each other and pointed finger guns at the other “EYYYY! JINX!”

Harley rolled her eyes. “...So if yaa done makin fun of bat-boy are there any other rules?”

Spiderman shrugged “..uh...hmmm…” Spiderman rubbed the back oh his neck “Don’t kill people, incapacitate when you can and… I guess listen to me when I tell you to do stuff?"

Deadpool put his hands together, bowing deeply. “Yes sensei.” he then coughed, murmuring under his breath “Fat chance”

Harley pumped her fists “Woo! Team captain!”

“Wait!” Deadpool turned to Harley “If we’re all a team…” Deadpool’s eyes widened “THAT MEANS WE NEED A TEAM NAME!”

Harley giggled and clipped her hands. “OOO! How about team… Spider-hammers?”

Deadpool put a hand to his chest, looking at Harley with hurt in his eyes. “What? But what about me?”

“Spider-hammers… in a pool?” Harley winced and shrugged.

“Oh I got it!” Deadpool smacked a fist into an open palm. “Spideypool! On a Harley! You know! The motorcycle!”

“WHAT?” Harley crossed her arms, her mouth open with indignation “Why am I the motorcycle? I never agreed to be the motorcycle!”

Spiderman snorted “What? What even is a Spideypool?”

Deadpool waggled his eyebrows at Spiderman “Oh… you know…”

Spiderman gave him a look “I really don’t.”

Deadpool winked and blew an obnoxious kiss as the hero. “Oh… you will...”

Spiderman just threw up his hands “What the hell are you-”

“The fans baby boy… think of the fans…” Deadpool whispered, his eyebrows wiggling even more.

“Boys. Boys.” Harley waved her hand to get both of their attentions. She sighed and put two fingers to her temple, biting her bottom lip. “Lets just… let’s just really think here…. What do we all have in common?"

“Sass.” Deadpool nodded, his brows furrowed as he thought “...Sass and tight pants.”

“Alright!” Harley tapped a finger to her lip “Sass and tight pants that"s a good start.”

Deadpool nodded “The sassy tight pants club… I can dig it”

Spiderman shook his head “What? No!”

“There you go with that sass.” Deadpool tutted and patted Spiderman on the head “And look at you in those tight pants! This is why you’re captain of the sassy tight pants club.”

“Red!” Harley announced, her eyes brightening “We’re all wearing red!”

“Woo! Deadpool snapped and shot a couple of finger guns at Harley. “Yeah! And we’re wearing black too!”

“Ahem.” Spiderman cleared his throat. He gave Deadpool a pointed look and motioned to his costume, not a stitch of black on it.

“Hmmm.” Deadpool’s brows furrowed, deep in thought for a moment. He brightened up with a grin “Black and Blue and Red!”

“AW YEAH!” Harley whipped off the teenage mutant ninja turtle blanket she had been wearing up to this point. “What’s black and blue and red all over?”

Deadpool grinned and put his hand down between the three of them “US!”

Harley grinned and put her hand down over over Wade’s. 

Deadpool looked to Spiderman “Come on Spidey! Put your hand in the center we’re doing that cliche 80s sports thing where everybody puts their hands in, and then we all raise them and yell something. You know the thing.”

Spiderman rolled his eyes but put his hand in the circle anyways.

“OK ONE, TWO, THREE!” Deadpool announced, all three of them raising their hands from the circle at the count of three. “GO TEAM BLACK AND BLUE AND RED ALL OVER!”

Harley jumped up and down, clapping, her pigtails bouncing. “WOO!”

“Woo.” Spiderman pumped his fist half-heartedly.

A scream rang out through the night. The trio turned towards the sound. There was a call of “My purse!”

Spiderman jumped to the edge of the building “Alright! A purse theft! Sounds like an easy first hero job…”

Deadpool grinned, putting his hands to his hips. “Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?”   
  
  


Tony Stark growled to himself, his eyes raking over the city. “Oh come on… The weirdos who came out of the portal were just in this neighborhood...” he sighed, what the fuck was with random weirdos coming out of portals, first loki and now this. Why didn’t portals ever spit out non-weirdos from non-weirdo dimensions? “Jarvis, talk to me.”

“Yes, Sir?” Jarvis greeted “What can I do for you?”

“Take a scan of the city, see if we can see where those weirdos who jumped out of the portal went to.”

There was a hum as Jervis’s scans raked across the city, passing through buildings and showing a 3D model on screen of the wireframe. Thousands of people moved across the city, red dots of life moving endlessly through the city like ants.

“I’m sorry sir.” Jarvis stated “Perhaps they went underground? There’s only so far my scanners can pierce through the bedrock...”

“Ugh.” Tony grimaced “Why do villains always hide in the sewers?”

“It does seem a bit cliche…” Jarvis agreed. “Though we don’t know that they are villains.”

Tony rolled his eyes “Oh please, I know villains when I see them.”

“There may be something more pressing.” Jarvis sighed “Before the portal opened there was a very distinctive energy spike…”

Tony groaned “Don’t tell me. Someone else is coming through a portal?”

“Affirmative.” Jarvis stated. 

Tony sighed. “Alright can we estimate the time of arrival?”

There was another set of calculations that streamed across the screen, where the energy spikes occurred and how long it took before the portals opened. “Approximately one hour.” A map of New York showed on the screen, more numbers and calculations flashing across as the approximate location was calculated. An empty lot on the edge of the city.

“Call Nick, if my experiences with weirdos who pop through interdimensional portals has taught me anything, we might need S.H.I.E.L.D on this one.”

  
  


“ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!” Nick Fury yelled, a sneer on his lips, his black eyepatch stark against his dark skin “PICK UP THE PACE! INTERDIMENSIONAL POTENTIAL HOSTILES ARE INCOMING IN T-MINUS TWENTY! I WANT EVERYONE ON THEIR FEET! LET’S GO!”  

Black suited agents in tactical gear streamed hurriedly this way and that, lugging sensory equipment and preparing for the portal to open. Nick stood above them, directing where each piece was to be placed, a line of scientists along with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner monitoring the readouts from the equipment. Tony was wearing his armor as he sat in the desk chair next to the monitor stations, which looked absolutely ridiculous.

Captain America stood off to the side of where Bruce and Tony were feverishly running calculations and monitoring the equipment for power surges. He looked over at where Fury was setting up rows of shooters and setting up snipers on nearby buildings. 

“So…” Steve Rogers rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a bit useless without something to do “We’re sure that they’re going to appear here right?”

“Based on where we’ve been getting energy spikes, assuming that their version of reality is similar to ours and governed by the same laws of physics…” Doctor Banner squinted at the computer, his glasses reflecting the lines of numbers that marched across the screen like ants  “... the changes in the magnetic fields surrounding Earth suggest that there are certain points where the line between the two realities are thinner and-”

Steve just stared blankly, pretending he understood every word. Or maybe “Pretending” wasn’t the right word as he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. He was mostly staying quiet, fidgeting and hoping that nobody asked him a question, like a child that forgot to do the previous day’s homework.

Bruce noticed however and sighed. “You… you didn’t get any of that did you?”

Tony laughed next to him. “Don’t bother trying to explain quantum physics to him” Tony snickered and picked up an apple off the desk, taking a bite “he still has trouble calculating tips at restaurants.”

Steve flushed, looking away awkwardly. 

“Since when are you two going to restaurants without me?” Bruce turned to Tony “- also why do you always have food? Is this really the best time for this?”

“Can’t fight whatever monster, or whiney Norse god, is going to come out of the portal this time on an empty stomach.” Tony replied chewing his bite of apple and glaring at the screen in front of him, his eyes flickering as it took in multiple data streams at once.

“Wait let me see that apple-” Bruce took the apple out of an indignant Tony’s mouth. He turned back to brandish the half eaten apple at Steve “Imagine that this is the Earth how it exists in our reality-”

“Rude.” Muttered Tony, wiping spit from his chin and glaring daggers at the back of Bruce’s head.

Steve nodded “Ok...”

Bruce nodded “Alright, this apple is Earth in our reality, now imagine that there is another apple both inside and outside the apple that exists in the exact same place as this apple.”

Steve’s brows furrowed “....uh… right…”

Bruce continued “But we can’t perceive this other apple, because our apple is always in the way.” He took a pencil off the desk, pressing it to the skin of the apple “However what these portals are, is someone is wearing through our apple in order to get to the other SECRET apple! Or rather they are wearing through their apple to get to our apple...” He then stabbed the sharp pencil into the fruit, the pencil piercing through the skin, apple juice running down the side.

“Hey!” Tony protested “That’s my lunch asshole!”

“The energy spikes that we’re seeing right now is like if someone on the surface of the apple found lead from the pencil before it broke through the skin!”

Steve shrugged, imagining a troupe of tiny scientists encountering a giant pencil stabbing through New York  “...ok...I think that makes sense…”

Bruce grimaced. “The only problem is that the apples are just a BIT out of sync, Earth is continuously spinning so a pencil going through one apple may hit the other apple at a different place and time, though not by far, well time may be a BIT trickier, which is why the uh-” 

He turned to Tony “Tony what did you call the people who you saw crossing through the portal?”

Tony was still glaring at the apple Bruce was currently stabbing with pencils “A hot plant lady, a giant lizard, some nerdy-looking douche wearing a tophat, and a furry.”

Bruce looked back to Steve “Uh...yeah… that’s why the… those...people... from that universe aren’t all coming here at the same place.”

Steve nodded still mulling over his apple-based crash course in quantum physics “...I think I get it, what’s important at this point is making sure they stop poking holes or else our reality will get all…” he gestured vaguely to the apple, multiple stabs from the pencil littering its surface.

Bruce nodded “Exactly.” He held up the mutilated fruit “This is one disgusting apple. And a quantumly unstable reality...”

“Yeah! Because of YOU! Give me back my snack!” Tony glared at Bruce, ripping the apple out of his hand and yanking out the pencil before taking another bite, not once breaking eye contact. Tony looked back at the screen he was supposed to be monitoring and his eyes widened “Crap there’s another signature.”

Bruce crowded into his space “WHAT! WHERE?”

Tony pushed him back, still a bit annoyed about the apple, the wheels of Bruce’s office chair squeaking slightly as he was rolled a couple of inches away. “Uptown. The signature is smaller than the one I saw before and smaller than the one coming through now…”

Steve looked over their shoulders. “Still. It’s best to be careful.” He motioned over to Nick Fury who stormed over.

“WHAT IS IT.” Fury fumed, his shoulders hunched and his face pulled into a sneer. He looked like a school principal who found out that not only did someone set a fire in the trash in algebra class, but another student also keyed a dick into the paint job on his car.

“Smaller energy spike coming through in uptown.” Steve sighed.

“Goddamn it.” Fury frowned “I have had it with these motherfucking interdimensional breaks on this motherfucking plane!” He brought a radio to his mouth, walking away from the group “Why can’t they choose another plane of existence? Fucking get another team to uptown, GPS location is-” He read out the numbers as he walked away, his voice trailing off until they couldn’t hear him.

Suddenly the wind picked up in the area, a blue light coming to life in front of them, sending dark shadows through the area and across their faces as the unnatural light shone wan and sickly. The portal grew in size, sparking with energy. 

Nick Fury’s agents raised their guns, all trained on the portal. Fury watched the swirling energy, the blue light shining in his one remaining eye. “Hold your position!”

A figure same through the portal, the shape of a lanky man silhouetted by the blue light.

The agents cocked their guns, training their sights on the figure.

Nick Fury stepped forward, statuesque, the image of a general facing a new war, the wind from the portal whipping his long jacket around him. “Now who the fuck are you?” He demanded.

The figure smiled, a wide smile showing starkly against the black. “Oh? Is this a party? For lil’ ol’ me?” They giggled, bringing a gloved hand to their mouth “You shouldn’t have pumpkin! I’m touched you would go all this way! I really am!” He laughed and pretended to wipe a tear from his face, still steeped in shadow.

Fury sneered, unimpressed by the theatrics “I’m NOT going to ask again!”

The man stepped forward into the light. He wore a purple suit and a green vest, his dark green hair slicked back, a big red smile painted onto his mouth. “They call me.."

More burly figures stepped out of the portal, silhouetted in the blue light.

The Joker raised a gloved hand dramatically, smiling at the agents who were now looking baffled over their gun scopes “The Joker!”

The Joker smiled and twirled his walking stick before striking a pose “Beloved hero of Gotham city!”

  
  


Two-face stepped out of a portal in uptown New York. The blue light shining against both the white and black halves of his suit. The wedding reception he accidentally crashed screamed, half of the wedding cake torn apart by the swirling blue portal, the cheese tray on the buffet, a woman’s small dog, and half a bottle of champagne all instantly lost in the portal through time and space.

Two-face adjusted his cufflinks and smoothed down his suit “Sorry about that folks.” he took a glass of champagne off of the tray of a dumbfounded waiter who was still frozen with fear and confusion. He nodded amicably to the wedding party, raising his glass to the bride who stared at him with eyes wide “Congratulations M’am. I hope you two have a beautiful marriage ahead of the both of you.”

“Th-thanks…” The dumbfounded woman murmured, her new husband shielding her protectively.

Two-face took a drink after his toast, champagne dribbled out of the scarred half of his face where the chemicals had melted entirely through his cheek.

A team of S.H.I.E.L.D agents broke down the door, raising their guns at two-face. “STOP RIGHT THERE!” They trained their gun on Two-Face. “YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! COME QUIETLY AND WE WON’T SHOOT!”

Two-face raised an eyebrow at the agent. He downed his glass of champagne, throwing away the glass with a delicate-sounding shatter. He considered the armed agents in front of him “hmmm… a compelling argument but…I have other matters to attend to” His coin shone in his hand. “Let’s leave it to fate…”

“I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN!” The agent adjusted their grip on the gun, glaring at Two-face over the barrel.

There was a flash of silver as Two-face tossed his coin. He caught it in the air and slapped it down onto his awaiting hand. He looked up at the agents, a smile spreading across his face.

“Sorry boys… it’s just not your lucky day…” Before the agents could react Two-face grabbed one of the members of the wedding party, an older looking woman, pulling her in front of himself he took a gun from his pocket and pressed it to her temple. 

“NO! MOM!” The groom outstretched his hand towards the frightened older woman being held hostage by Two-face.

“LET HER GO!” The agents began to advance on Two-face.

Two-face sighed. “Oh? You want her so bad?” He aimed his gun to the side, the wedding party shrieking and scattering, champagne glasses falling to the floor. Two-face shot, shattering the window.

“Then take her.” Two-face threw the old lady at the agents, knocking them back and giving him enough time to make a break for the window, jumping out onto the fire escape and disappearing through the night.

The first agent ran to the window, looking outside to see where he could of gone but to no avail. He motioned to the other two agents. “Set up a perimeter, see if we can catch him.” He then picked up his radio. “Director Fury?” He sighed “We’re setting up a perimeter now but… we lost him.”   
  


 

Director Fury growled at his radio “What do you mean you LOST HIM?”

The joker sat on a desk chair, leaning back with a large grin across his face, kicking his legs playfully. His henchmen that had come through the portal with him were all awkwardly standing behind him, looking at the S.H.I.E.L.D agents that all still had their guns trained on them.

Captain America, and Tony stark stood above the Joker, their arms crossed. Banner stood back, watching the scene intently.

“So wait…” Steve began. “YOU’RE a hero?”

The Joker smiled and put a hand to his chest earnestly. “The get up is for the kids mostly. You know how they all LOVE a clown!” he batted his eyelashes up at Captain America, smiling coquettishly “I am a devilishly handsome roguish vigilante of my world, fighting against the no good party-pooper villain the Batman!”

The Joker pulled a photo from his breast pocket, Deadpool carrying a bloody and near unconscious Harley out of the alley he himself had left her in to die. “I’m here to rescue this young lady!” He clasped his hands together, playing the part of the selfless do-gooder “She was kidnapped by a villain from your dimension. I’m here to track her down and bring her home where she belongs!”

‘To kill her properly this time.’ Joker thought to himself.

Director Fury yanked the picture out of the Joker’s hand. He glared at the photograph and the apparently chipper anti-hero carrying a severely bloodied young woman. “...figures that Deadpool would be the one behind all of this bullshit…” 

Steve leaned over Director Fury’s shoulder curiously to get a look at the photo. He frowned slightly. “I’m a bit disappointed, I know that Spiderman had been working with him, he had been getting better…”

Tony gave the clown a harsh look, not even bothering to look at the picture. “Oh BULL-SHIT! IF YOU’RE A HERO THEN I’M THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!”

The Joker batted his eyes up at Tony, he rose from his seat only to bow, taking Tony’s armored hand delicately and pressing a loud smooch to the knuckles. “Why! Your majesty! Whaddaya doing here?”

Tony pulled back his hand with a sneer, wiping his hand off on the front of his armor. “Ewww… you got clown germs all over it…”

Steve shrugged, looking at the Joker pensively “Well we don’t exactly have any other intel at the moment… There are bits that I can believe though, Deadpool probably didn’t mean to hurt her, she probably just got caught in the crossfire when he did something stupid, and didn’t think about the consequences when he brought her here... also ‘Batman’ DOES sound like a villain, a bad villain, but still..”

Tony turned to Steve, his mouth open in indignation. “So you’re just going to what? BELIEVE HIM? STEVE. LOOK. AT. HIM.” He pointed at the Joker for emphasis. “ HE. IS. A. CLOWN…” He hissed.

Joker batted his eyelashes up at Steve, popping up a shoulder and blowing him an obnoxious kiss.

Steve turned away with a shudder, grimacing his distaste “I will admit that he’s certainly not… orthodox… but we know nothing about the world that he came from, and so far he’s all we have to go on, so until he gives me a reason to believe otherwise…”

“OH? YOU WANT A REASON NOT TO TRUST HIM?” Tony pointed accusingly at the Joker “CLOWN!”

Steve threw up his hands, rolling his eyes “Why are people in this era so damn afraid of clowns! When I was a kid it was a good thing! Circuses were fun and clowns were good!”

“WELL EVERYONE NOT FROZEN IN ICE BEFORE 1946 LEARNED THE TRUTH!” Tony screamed back. He glared at the Joker, the clown gazing placidly back at him, a lazy amused smile across his face. “CLOWNS. ARE. EVIL.”

“Wow kid.” Joker cocked a brow. He put a hand to his chest and pouted. “Way to stereotype! Shame on you…. Shame…” he tutted, shaking his head.

“Oh shut up!” Tony glared daggers at him. “Also who are all those seedy-looking guys with you? Huh? What hero goes around with this kind of entourage?”

The Joker gasped “To think, someone who calls themselves the Queen of England being so openly judgmental! SHAME!!! Shame on YOU!!! MADAM!!!!” He leaned back dramatically in his chair and pretended to sob loudly. He smiled at Tony and rose back up in his seat. “They are members of the neighborhood watch! Volunteers to help me look for the missing girl! Lovely fellows really. ALL OF THEM ARE ACES IN MY BOOK! SUCH OUTSTANDING CITIZENS”

“T’anks boss.” One of the Joker’s minions sniffed and wiped at an eye, clasping his hands together with a semi-toothless smile.

Tony turned to look at Director Fury. “Don’t tell me that you’re buying this crap!”

Director Fury gave the Joker a long glare, his arms crossed in front of him. “I trust this motherfucker as far as I can throw him.”

Tony threw up his hands “THANK YOU!”

Fury shrugged “That being said, I don’t give a fuck who he is.”

Tony looked back at him “WHAT?”

Fury motioned vaguely to the Joker. “I don’t give a fuck if he’s a hero, or a villain, or just some random creepy-ass-clown that wandered into a portal. All I know is that there are assholes who are in my dimension who shouldn't be. If he wants to help us find them then I don’t care, throw all of them on the other side of the portal and let them settle it themselves, as long as it happens in THEIR dimension.”

“Then it’s settled!” The Joker rose from his seat and clasped his hands together, spinning towards Director Fury, leaning against him and popping his foot out like a cheesy damsel “You’ll help me rescue this poor, sweet, helpless girl! I’ll take everyone back to their own dimension! We part ways! Easy peasy lemon squeeze me!”

The Joker held out a hand to Director Fury, a huge grin on his face, his voice low. “So! Big guy! Do we have a deal?”

Director Fury looked back at him, his lip curled in a scowl and a judgemental look in his remaining eye. “Yeah…” he looked down at the Joker’s hand but didn’t take it, crossing his arms instead. “We have a deal.”

Joker’s smile dropped for a moment when he realized that Fury refused to take his hand, a dark look coming over his face for a moment before he smiled again. The joker twirled towards the larger group of S.H.I.E.L.D agents, his coat tails fluttering around him “Alright ladies!” 

The S.H.I.E.L.D agents still had their guns trained on The Joker. They glanced to Fury. Director Fury glared back at them before nodding almost imperceptibly. They lowered their weapons.

The Joker unfurled another picture of Harley and Deadpool. “We’re looking for a miss Harley Quinn! A girl kidnapped by Deadpool!”

He smiled, wide an ominous, a dark giggle bubbling up in his throat “Find her and bring her to me.”    
  
  


“DUN DUN DA DUN!” Harley sang to the key of ‘can’t touch this’ by MC Hammer, wiggling her hips as she stood over the hapless would- be villain, already knocked nearly unconscious on the dirty alley floor, having fallen with his chest to the ground and his bum in the air. “Da dun! DA DUN! CAN’T TOUCH THIS!”

Harley positioned her hammer behind the Villain’s bum, squinting her eyes into the distance and taking a test swing like a golfer at the tee. She licked her finger and put it in the air, testing for wind.

Deadpool hunched over next to her, holding the handle of one of his katanas as if it were a microphone. He cleared his throat “And here we have Miss Hammer-Time, newest hero on the New York city streets, and famous thug golfer, about the take the swing…” Deadpool’s voice was quiet with a slight air of pretentious officiousness, just like any golf announcer.

Harley pulled back her hammer, one eye closed as she aimed.

“She’s going for it…” Deadpool whispered in his golf voice.

Harley slammed her hammer into the thug’s bum, rocketing him through the alley and into one of Spiderman’s outstretched nets, the man tumbling about, tangling up in the web until he was one neatly wrapped criminal bundle, rolling to a stop next to two identical bundles, all three of them a team of small-time crooks.

“NOTHING BUT NET!” Deadpool crowed excitedly. He yelled out a breathy scream, mimicking a crowd of excited fans.

Harley bowed “Thank you! Thank you!”

Deadpool quickly scribbled on a piece of paper, a large block letter ‘10’ on the page “TEN POINTS!”

Spiderman looked back at the two of them. “...I think the sports metaphor got a bit confused there… I mean are we doing Golf, basketball or the olympic games?“

Harley and Deadpool shrugged. 

Spiderman walked over to the new hero, his hands on his hips as he gave Harley a thoughtful look. He rubbed the back of his neck. “...You know...I was worried but… you really handled yourself well out there…” Spiderman reached down to the dirty alley ground, picking up the purse that had been stolen, dusting it off a bit before handing it to Harley. “Since it’s your first time heroing, would you like to do the honors?”

Harley took the purse, a reverent look on her face. She grinned, gripping the leather strap. “I...I’ve never given stolen property BACK to someone! Especially since I wasn’t the one who stole it!” She put a hand to her chest, her eyes wide “Is this...Is this what being a good guy feels like? I feel so…” She looked up, her eyes going impossibly wider and a shocked laugh coming up from her throat. “Good? Good about myself? Wow. Oh boy THAT’S A NEW ONE!”

Deadpool nodded knowingly, putting his hand on her shoulder. “That’s right. Take it in. Take it alllll in.”

Harley blinked, taking a deep breath “Oh my fucking gawd.”

Spiderman huffed out a laugh, smiling at Harley as well “It’s good to feel good about yourself after a job well done, but what it’s really about is making someone else’s life better.” He motioned to the purse “It may be small but you really helped someone.” He motioned out of the alley. “Go on, give it back to the old lady I’m sure she’ll be really glad to have it back.”

Harley grinned. “HEY OLD LADY!” She held the purse up over her head, trotting out of the alley “I GOT YA PURSE!”

Spiderman and Deadpool were left in the alley.

“So uh…” Spiderman avoided looking at Deadpool. “So you and...Harley…”

Deadpool looked out at where Harley was skipping and twirling out of the alley, regarding her fondly “She’s great isn’t she?” Deadpool sighed, a small smile on his face “We know what it’s like to fuck up… fuck up so badly that you don’t think you could be redeemed but you still WANT to do better, to BE better.”

Spiderman watched Harley, her excited smile as she eagerly went to return the old lady’s purse. He sighed, looking away. “Yeah...she’s great…”

Deadpool looked back at Spiderman, his brow furrowing at the way Spiderman’s shoulders slumped slightly. “...Hey baby boy... Are you ok?” when he didn’t react immediately he leaned forward, reaching a hand out to his shoulder “Petey?”

Spiderman was startled out of his revelry. “Yes!” He answered a bit too quickly “I’m fine Wade.”

Deadpool regarded him for a moment. “Are you sure?...” He tilted his head hopefully “We could go back to the apartment, order some pizza…”

Spiderman paused, looking back at him. “That sounds-”

Deadpool shrugged “You know!” He punched the other man lightly on the shoulder “To celebrate Harley’s first night as a hero!”

Spiderman sighed, his shoulders slumping back down. “No…” He looked back to where Harley was presenting the purse to the old lady. “This is you guy’s night….”

Did he not want to come? Deadpool touched his fingertips together nervously, fidgeting where he stood. Maybe they had annoyed Petey too much during in the night? Was he angry at them? It was the 10th penis joke of the night wasn’t it? Wade couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty as his mind went wild thinking of all the reasons he didn’t want to come...

In the end it didn’t matter... he didn’t own Peter, his attention couldn’t belong to him 100% of the time…

Even if he wanted it to.

“Uh...ok.” Deadpool managed to squeak out awkwardly “..if you’re sure…”

Spiderman sighed. “...yeah… I’m sure…” He turned away from Deadpool, waving slightly “Bye Wade…” He then shot a strand of webbing and with that, he pulled himself out of the alley and onto the roof of one of the nearby apartment buildings.

Deadpool watched him flip into the air, becoming nothing but a dot of red in the night sky and then disappearing altogether. He sighed, his shoulders slumping. 

Spiderman sat on the edge of the building above Deadpool and Harley, watching as Deadpool walked out of the alley towards Harley and the old lady. He pulled off his mask. Peter Parker sucked in a breath of fresh air, his hair sticking up from being inside of the spandex. His eyes were tired as he rubbed a still gloved hand across his cheek.

They were so good together, he felt-

Unneeded.

This was always going to happen though. Deadpool had come to Spiderman to learn to become a hero, they had grown from begrudging coworkers, to friends, then close friends and-

And somehow when Peter wasn’t looking, Deadpool learned all he could from him, got himself his own extremely pretty, blonde, female sidekick and-

He just wasn’t needed anymore… not when he had her…

Peter was halfway through jealously considering what he would look like in Harley’s pigtails and short shorts when something caught his attention. There was  something in his Spidey-senses that didn’t feel right, the build up of tension before a rubber band snaps, a pin in front of a balloon, the taste of the air before a thunderstorm. He quickly tugged his mask back on.

 

Doctor Connors stood on the roof of one of the taller buildings, pointing down to a dot of red and blue on the building below them. “That.” He grumbled to the others “is Spiderman, one of the heroes here, mostly handles smaller crimes but is an accomplished hero in his own right… He’s Deadpool’s keeper of sorts.”

“Spiderman huh?” Catwoman smiled, flexing her claws.

Mad hatter hummed, looking down his long nose at the hero. “I expected much more...muchness I suppose…”

“Think it would be kinda funny…” Killer croc smiled lopsidedly “If we could find a giant shoe to squish him with? Or a giant rolled up newspaper? Yanno? Since he’s a spider?”

Poison Ivy regarded the hero below her. “I think we ought to have a TALK with bug-boy.” her vines twitched along her arms and legs like vipers ready to pounce. 

Catwoman turned to Poison Ivy “Let’s go then.” She leapt from the building in a graceful arc of gleaming leather. Ivy soon followed, using  vines to anchor herself to the building before leaping off the building after Catwoman.

“You too Tetch.” Killer Croc hoisted Jervis into the air, slinging him over one of his shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

Hatter sighed. “Very well…He either fears his fate too much, of his desert is small, who dares not to put to the touch, to win or lose at all…”

“Whatever ya limey.” and with that Killer croc jumped off the building to confront Spiderman with the rest of them.   
  


 

Deadpool trotted up to Harley, she had just given the purse back to the old lady, a smile on her face as she bowed. “Really!” Harley tittered, rocking side to side a bit, a pleased look on her face “It’s the least I could do!”

The old woman smiled at her, adjusting her glasses “Oh thank you dear! I was so worried!”

Harley grinned, her foot popping out “No problem at all!”

The old woman dug around in her purse for a moment before scowling. “Wait a gosh darn minute! I’m missing THREE dollars!” She pointed at Harley accusingly “What did you DO WITH IT?”

Harley was taken aback, her eyes wide as she blinked “Nothing! All I did was take your purse back from them! They didn’t have time to-”

“HUMPH!” The old woman sneered “Some hero you are! What good are you if you can’t give me all of my things back?” She growled and threaded her arm into the strap of her purse before turning and beginning to hobble away, leaning on her cane “Dressing like a whore and flipping about! What are heroes coming to these days!”

Harley stared at the old woman, her nose crinkling with rage “WHY YOU-”

Deadpool picked Harley up, his arms wrapping around her middle before she could chase and presumably pummel the old lady. “HARLEY NO!”

“YOU UGLY OLD HAG!” Harley screamed, struggling in Deadpool’s grip “I’LL STEAL YOUR PURSE MYSELF AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?”

“HARLEY!” Deadpool tried to pull her back, Harley accidentally elbowing him in the face as she struggled.

“I TRIED TO DO SOMETHING NICE!” Harley shrieked, tears now forming in her eyes “FOR ONCE I TRIED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?”

Deadpool dragged her back to the apartment. Pulling the screaming and raging Harley through the door.

Harley stopped.

She was despondent now, quieter than Deadpool had ever seen her, her shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs. Deadpool reached a hand out to her shoulder. “...Harley?”

“STOP!” Harley shook off his hand “IT’S NOT WORKING WADE”

Wade looked at her “...what isn’t working Harley?”

“THIS!” Harley whirled towards him, her eyes full of tears. She motioned to the new outfit she wore “THIS WHOLE BEING GOOD THING!”

Tears began to stream down her face “They know! Somehow they all know that I’m bad! Like they can smell it on me!” She tore at her pigtails, a ragged sob bubbling up from her throat. “It’s like he seeped through my skin he poisoned me and turned me inside out and made me like him! Some fucked up freak that can’t ever be good again!”

Harley crumpled to the couch, sobbing into the pillows. Bud and Lou rose from where they had been laying on the kitchen floor, trotting over to Harley. They whined, licking the tears from her cheeks.

Deadpool sat on the couch next to her. He put a hand between her shoulder blades, rubbing slightly. “...that’s not true…” He picked her up and leaned her against him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and Harley blubbered and left tear-stains on his shoulders.

“It is though!” Harley sobbed, clenching Deadpool’s suit between her hands “I’m horrible mistah D! The worst! People hate me and if you knew everything about me you would too!”

Deadpool only rocked her back and forth. “I could never hate you…” He soothed. “Don’t listen to that old hag with the bag, I like you! I like you even though you put pineapple on your pizza.” He joked quietly, trying to lighten Harley’s mood.

Harley didn’t laugh though. She looked up at Deadpool her blue eyes wide and solemn. “Did you know…” She started “That I abandoned my daughter?”

Deadpool stiffened “What?”

Harley giggled humorlessly. “I’m a real piece of shit…” More tears ran down her cheeks. “I left when it started to show around my middle to hide it from mistah J… ran way to my sister’s to give birth..” Harley turned her face in towards Deadpool’s shoulder “She’s living with my sister now…” Harley laughed maniacally, putting a hand up to try and stifle it “She’s so GODDAMN beautiful! How the hell did she come from something as sorry as me? As awful as mistah J?”

“...Lucy puts tutus on her toy trucks…” Harley whispers. “...at least that’s what my sistah says… she needs to be kept as far aways from me as physically possible or it will rub off on her too, whatever it is in my bones that keeps me from being good…”

Tears were blotting through Deadpool’s mask. He ripped the spandex from his head and hugged her closer, rocking her back and forth. “You didn’t abandon her.” He squeezed her tighter, his voice strained with emotion “You saved her. You know that if you kept her, he would have hurt her too…”

Harley burst into a new round of sobs. Deadpool cried with her, rocking them both back and forth.

He sniffed, pulling back to give her a look. “I have a daughter too…”

Harley looked up at him.

“...When her mother first showed me her I thought she was lying...I thought there was no way that she could be mine, she was too beautiful…”

Harley took his hand consolingly, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles “...oh mistah D…”

Deadpool leaned back with Harley in his arms, giving her a shaky smile. “I’m trying for her though… She’s living with a friend of mine now but I’m trying to become a better person, become more involved in her life, do right by her…”

Harley smiled, wiping away some of the tears on her cheeks. “What’s her name?”

“Ellie.” Deadpool smiled “Ellie Camacho. She has brown eyes, brown curly hair… my humor too!” He hummed and rubbed Harley’s back. “You would like her!”

Harley leaned back into his touch. “...I bet I would…”   
  


 

Harley and Deadpool ordered pizza, watching shitty netflix movies on the floor in front of the TV. They tossed pepperoni into the air for Bud and Lou to catch, laughing when one would land across their snouts, the hyenas going cross-eyes to look at it before licking it off. They fell asleep, Harley sprawled across Deadpool’s back.

Harley woke in the middle of the night to Bud’s deep warning growl. She groaned. “What is it baby? What’s wrong?”

A gun clicked and Harley’s eyes snapped open.

Two-face stood above her, a gun trained between her eyes. Bud and Lou were on either side of her, their fur standing on end as they growled at the intruder. The scarred side of Two-face’s face shone in the low light of the room.

“It’s time to go home Harley.” He stated coolly, pulling back the safety on the gun.

“NOW.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHHH BOYYY OH MANN OHH GEEZZZZEEE WHAT WILL HAPENNN???
> 
> :D You'll have to wait for the next installment!
> 
> Anywho, but for reals sorry for the wait and I hope you like the chapter! I will put this back on my regular update rotation where I update one of my unfinished fics every 15 days.
> 
> Please comment your reactions! I would love to see what you think!


	5. The fall of Two-face and Condiment King's weenie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Batman now in the Marvel universe a new vigilante steps up to the plate to try and play out the role of Batman. Too bad they're terrible at it. Meanwhile Batman and Batgirl have a run in with the Avengers, Spiderman get's kidnapped because of course he does, and Two-face just fucking gives up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I have other fics to finish and to be honest I wasn't really feeling motivated to write this one for a while. The last chapter kinda flopped and it was like- should I even BE writing this? Should I just throw in the towel now and leave it unfinished?
> 
> Sometimes though you just have to keep doing things because they need to be finished.
> 
> Plus! A lot of HILARIOUS shit happens in this chapter. I made myself laugh so hard I cried.
> 
> and you know what? In the end that's what really matters. Laughing about the Condiment King's weenie.
> 
> So! I hope you like the chapter and if you read and enjoy please leave a comment! It helps the gears turn, spurs the motivation, and helps the updates happen!

Alfred Pennyworth ran a vacuum across the great hall of the Wayne master hall, the whirring of the motor echoing through the expansive halls of the estate. He sighed, it was so empty now that Master Bruce and Miss Gordon were off doing who knows what in some godforsaken dimension. He pulled out a cloth to dust some priceless pieces on the mantel. He hoped they packed enough, and are getting three square meals, and are not getting too badly beaten up because he-

“Good morning Alfred.” there was a small yawn as Damian, the newest member of the bat-family to don the Robin mantle, padded across the hall, barefooted in his pajamas, his black hair in a mess around his face. Like this with his hair mussed, twelve years old, and sleepy, it was easy to forget that before he came here, he had been raised by the league of assassins to be an unstoppable killing machine. He glared sleepily at Alfred “What will we all be having for breakfast?”

Alfred tucked the cloth back into his pocket. “I’m afraid it is just you and I today, Master Damian, Master Bruce is gone.”

Damian turned to face Alfred slowly, his lips pinched and an angry glimmer showing in his eyes “GONE?” His brows furrowed and his hands balled into fists “Gone WHERE?”

Alfred sighed, shaking his head. Damian had the tendency for the over dramatic. Like father, like son. He went to the kitchen, leaving Damian seething in the dining room momentarily. He returned with a large silver platter. “This morning we have Quiche Lorraine, paired with pancetta and mushroom aioli.” He set the tray of food on the table “There is also a portion of mixed berries.”

Damian looked almost tempted by the food but shook his head petulantly “No! I want to know where he went!”

Alfred sighed. He had worked hard on the quiche. Was it too much to ask that his cooking be appreciated? He leaned down to whisper to Damian “Interdimensional travel can be a bit tricky. I doubt you would be able to find them...”

“Wait THEM?” Damian gasped, outraged.

Alfred did his best to look nonplussed. “Yes, he and miss Gordon left a while ago, they-”

Damian’s mouth was pinched with rage “He took HER but not ME?”

Alfred raised an eyebrow. 

Damian growled, wrapping his arms around himself testily “Well how did THEY get to this alternate dimension?”

Alfred shrugged “I haven't the foggiest.”

Damian threw up his hands “You are NO help whatsoever!” He turned on a heel and began to stalk towards the batcave. “I’m going to see if they left any clues to where they were going!” He balled his hands into fists “THAT should teach him to leave on an inter-dimensional adventure without me!”

Damian trudged down into the Batcave, muttering direly under his breath. Alfred followed behind him, if only to make sure he took a bag lunch when he went through dimensions after his father. 

Damian shrugged on his Robin suit. Hopping as he pulled on his boots “Stupid father.” He grumbled as he put on his mask, putting his utility belt around his hips “Taking HER and not me! I swear when I find them I-”

Robin paused. The expanse of the batcave yawning before him.

There was something… Off.

A couple of trampled pizza boxes littered the floor, leaving greasy smudges across the stone floors. The cases housing the many versions of Batman, Batgirl and Robin’s costumes had been pilfered, suits were tossed this way and that, laid crumpled on the floor like a department store dressing room after a sale.

In front of a wall of monitors, turned away from Alfred and Damian, a large shadow sat in Batman’s usual chair.

Damian scowled, taking a shuriken from his belt and readying it. He put a hand out to Alfred who was coming down the stairs behind him in warning. He advanced towards the shadow “WHO ARE YOU!” He demanded “SHOW YOURSELF!”

A smokey laugh came from the shadowed figure, the glint of a sharp toothed smile from the figure shadowed in darkness. “....So you want me to show myself…” The deep laughter echoed through the cavern, making the hair on the back of Robin’s neck stand up. “Suit yourself…”

The chair slowly turned, Robin readied his shuriken and-

A handful of confetti was tossed in Robin’s direction and paper party kazoo was honked noisily, the lights in the batcave all turned on at once.

“SURPRISE!” The Creeper pointed one yellow-green skinned leg into the air, his red-heeled boot pointing towards the ceiling as he leaned back in Batman’s chair. He wore Batman’s mask, cowl and cape along with his usual red feather boa and green striped briefs. His plastic briefs squeaked where they rubbed up against Batman’s cape.

Alfred groaned. Of all the people it could be, it had to be Gotham’s most annoying vigilante.

Robin spat out the handful of glitter he had accidentally inhaled. “Creeper!” He coughed up more glitter “What are you doing here!” He motioned angrily with his shuriken “GET OUT!”

The Creeper pulled a batarang from one of Batman’s spare utility pouches, lazily picking his teeth with it. “Hmmm…” he pursed his lips in thought before smiling and throwing the batarang away behind him, knocking a cup of soda off of Batman’s desk “No!”

Creeper yelped and launched himself up out of the seat as one of Robin’s shuriken were thrown at him, embedding deep into the leather. The Creeper was perched on the top of the chair, he looked down to gape at the shuriken. “Wow! Rude!” 

Robin growled and readied three more shuriken, the sharp metal shining between his knuckles “Take of my father’s cape and cowl or else these are going straight into your eyes!”

The Creeper braced both legs and both arms on the back of the chair like a frog, smiling widely at Robin. He raised a hand, wagging a finger back and forth in a chastising way “Ya gotta catch me first!” He sing-songed.

In a flash the creeper vaulted over Robin, dropping a red sparkly boot in the process. He landed in a hand-stand behind Robin. Before the child assassin could react The Creeper plucked the shuriken from his hands with his yellow toes.

Robin stared at him with horror “Did you… did you just-”

“I did.” The Creeper lowered his stomach onto the floor, holding his head in his hands as he smiled at Robin. The shuriken was balanced on his big toe, spinning slightly on the didget like a horrible fidget spinner. He pointed the shuriken at Robin with his feet “NO FIDGET SPINNERS IN CLASS YOUNG MAN!”

Damian shuddered. He held his hand out demandingly at Alfred. Alfred helpfully took a pocket-sized hand sanitizer and squeezed a dollop onto Damian’s outstretched hand. “You.” Damian growled as he rubbed in the hand sanitizer. “Are disgusting.”

The Creeper retrieved his shoe. “Yeah but-” He pointed the toe of the boot at Robin “It worked, didn’t it?”

Damian rolled his eyes “Whatever.” He motioned vaguely with a gloved hand “What even IS a fidget spinner?”

The Creeper stopped where he was putting on his red boot. He looked at Damian with wide eyes “HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A FIDGET SPINNER IS?” He put his hands on his hips “What are you? Ten? You should be playing minecraft, toodling about on the internet, futzing around with fidget spinners and throwing tantrums in Walmart for new video games.”

Damian rolled his eyes “I’m twelve, thank you very much. While you were playing minecraft-” He lifted his nose haughtily and crossed his arms “I was studying the blade.”

The Creeper grinned and snapped, pointing a couple of finger guns at Damian “AH HA! A MEME!” He wiped his brow relieved “-And here I thought you weren’t a normal child.”

Damian glared at him “...That is no joke. I was raised by the league of assassins, I was raised from an early age to kill without mercy I-”

The Creeper grimaced down at him “Oh my god.” He shook his head sadly and tutted “You are a horrible excuse for a child.”

Damian growled, pointing an accusing finger at The Creeper “At least I don’t go around breaking into other people’s batcaves wearing only underwear and boots and then steal people’s clothes!”

The creeper put a hand to his chest, his mouth open in indignation “Excuse you I was wearing underwear, boots AND a feather boa. Big difference. One is a weirdo you try not to make eye contact with on the subway, the other is a STATEMENT.”

Alfred stared at him, completely unimpressed “Is that statement ‘I’m a weirdo’ by any chance?”

The Creeper shrugged, pulling in Batman’s cape and wrapping it around his shoulders like a shawl “Look let’s not dwell on who broke into who’s lair and who stole who’s clothes-”

“You.” Damian growled “And also you.”

The Creeper smiled, popping up a shoulder coquettishly and fiddling with the hem of the Batman cape shyly “I came here originally because I noticed that Gotham was fresh out of Batman!” He rocked back and forth on the heels of his boots “And I happen to have some spare time on my hands-”

“No!” Damian motioned forcefully with a hand “NO.NO. NO. You can’t be Batman! I can handle Gotham BY MYSELF!”

The Creeper snorted “Yeah ok pipsqueak.” He squealed and dodged another volley of shuriken from the pre-teen. 

“Oh come on!” The Creeper urged, throwing his hands down dramatically “It’s just until Batman gets back!” He spun in place and struck a pose like a sailor moon girl “BY THE BAT I PUNISH YOU!”

Damian glowered, confused “...By the what you what?”

The Creeper looked down at him in despair “Oh my god you had no childhood.”

Damian turned up his nose “Oh whatever! The final line is that you CAN’T be Batman! You would BESMIRCH the name!” He held out a hand demandingly “SO GIVE BACK THE COWL AND CAPE!”

The Creeper snorted “Oh my gosh you said ‘besmirch’ and you were totally serious about it. How can I take you seriously? I mean really.” He snorted “...besmirch…” He whispered to himself and giggled again.

Damian was in the middle of taking more shuriken from his belt, intent on gouging out The Creeper’s eyes when a gloved hand suddenly rested on his forehead.

“You know it just occurred to me.” The Creeper started conversationally “That between the two of us, I am wearing the Batman cape and cowl…” His eyes widened “I think that means I’m in charge of you.”

Damian shrugged off his hand moodily, pointing a finger angrily at The Creeper “That is NOT how this works! Also, he was NEVER in charge of me!”

The Creeper took his hand back, stroking his chin in thought. “Mhmm, mhmm, good point.” He pointed a finger down at Damian “Counterpoint, you aren’t in charge of me either so…”

The Creeper threw a smoke bomb from Batman’s belt in between his legs, laughing maniacally. “LATER LOSERS!” He did a complicated flip before jogging out of the batcave, Batman’s cape and his red feather boa fluttering behind him “I have some SERIOUS. BATMAN  BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO!”

Damian coughed. “HEY!” He balled his hands into fists “GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID GREEN ASSHOLE! GIVE IT BACK! YOU’LL BESMIRCH THE NAME!” He shook his fist “DO YOU HEAR ME? BESMIRCH!”

Alfred sighed and turned back to go into the manor. “...I’ll call commissioner Gordon.”   
  
  


 

Harley sat on Deadpool’s couch, surrounded with blankets as she stared down the barrel of Two-face’s gun. The dull silver glinted in the sparse light that flitted through the window. Two-face looked down at her, cocking back the safety on the gun.

Harley looked up at him, her big blue eyes wide with fear, her heavy breathing loud in the still apartment. Beside her Bud and Lou growled, the hyena’s hair bristling. “Harv…” Harley’s breath was stuttered “...Why are you doing this?…”

Two-face looked down at her, an almost pitying look on the undamaged side of his face “Joker is here. He sent me to get you.” He jerked the barrel of the gun up, trying to coax Harley to stand “So get up.”

Harley’s glanced at the window, her heart pounding. How could he be here? She went to an entirely different dimension to get away from him “Mistah J is here?”

Two-face sighed, the sound of a man who preferred not to get his hands dirty but was about to roll up his sleeves and join the fray “Get up Harley.” He growled ”I’m not asking again.”

The look in Harley’s eyes stiffened, her lips thinning. She looked past the gun and up at Two-face with a look of grim determination. “I am not.” Her voice trembled, her blood rushing in her ears, her hands clenching and unclenching “-Going back to him.”

Two-face pressed the gun to her forehead. Harley grit her teeth, closing her eyes. 

He shook his head slowly, a hard look in his eyes “I’ll shoot y-”

“SORRY TO INTERRUPT THE DRAMATIC SCENE BUT-” Deadpool sat up suddenly from where he had been sleeping next to Harley on the couch, like a deranged jack in the box. Wade tugged the blanket out from Harley so quickly that she fell off the couch and to the side with a startled yelp and a thud, away from Two-face’s gun. 

Deadpool took Harley’s place in front of the gun. Two-face had enough mind to try and follow Harley with the gun, but that was before Deadpool let out a whistle and waggled his eyebrows at the villian. Two-face scowled and pointed the gun back at Deadpool.

Deadpool had always been good at convincing people to kill him. Deadpool grinned up at the villian. “Hey, hiya, how’s it cookin’ good-lookin.” 

Two-face growled and shook his head “JUST WHO THE HELL ARE Y-”

Deadpool hiked a shoulder up, giving Two-face a sexy smolder with a sassy pose “They call me the gangster of love.”

Two-face gave him a blank look over his gun. “...I should shoot you just for that name, good lord.

“Told ya Mista D.” Harley informed Deadpool where she was now sitting on the floor of the living room. Amazing how not being in front of a gun bring’s one’s sense of humor back, especially when the person who IS being threatened with a gun can’t really die. “The nickname just ain’t gonna stick, no matter HOW many people ya tell it to.”

Deadpool clutched a fist dramatically, looking wistfully out into the distance “Someday.” He whispered “Someday.”

Two-face was feeling a bit out of place. Guns as a tool of persuasion, where you wanted someone to comply, but not necessarily kill them, only really worked if the people in front of the guns were afraid of death. Staring down the red and black suited figure, the man smiling so wide that it could be seen through the spandex mask, Two-face felt as if he might as well be brandishing a flowerpot, a decorative cow figurine, a bundle of yarn, or a bottle of ketchup at the other man.

Two-face summoned his gumption and tried again. He growled, turning his head in a way that he knew made the light cast across his scarred features in a particularly gruesome way. “So you have any idea…” Two-face paused for dramatic effect, his scowl deepening “WHO I AM?”

Deadpool snapped his fingers and pointed up at Harvey dent “TWO DICK MC-COIN FLIPPY GUY!”

Two-face paused. “..what…” Harley stifled a snicker from where she was sitting on the floor.

Deadpool grinned up at the man “You’re all about that sweet sweet law of probability. Making choices via coinage, that sort of thing.” He leaned back on the couch, crossed his legs,  and smiled at him past the gun “And right now I see two choices. One, you shoot me-”

Two-face glared at him, raising the gun and grinning sarcastically “I like that one, sounds good, let’s do that one.”

Deadpool waggled a finger “nuh uh uh! Mister probability man that’s not how this works! You know that! There has to be two-sides to this coin flip!”

Two-face growled. Stupid Harley telling people how he works “Alright I shoot you, or I-

“OR!” Deadpool raised a finger “You can wear a funny hat and clean our apartment!”

Two-face’s brows furrowed “What?” He threw up one hand and pressed the gun to Deadpool’s forehead “And what makes you think that I’ll-”

“Cuz you’re the choice guy.” Deadpool waggled his eyebrows under the mask “And you have two choices mi amigo. A or B! Uno or dos.” His grin grew impossibly wider “Heads or tails. Shoot me, or wear a funny hat and clean our apartment!”

Two-face’s eyes widened with shock and realization “What? No! You can’t just-”

Deadpool raised two fingers on the other side of Two-face’s gun “Two choices Harvey Marvey banana nana bo barvey! Heads, shoot. Tails, wear a funny hat and clean our apartment.”

Two-face stared Deadpool down, beginning to sweat. He fumbled in his front pocket for his coin. He breathed heavily, staring at the mercenary down the barrel of his gun. He cursed under his breath. He flipped the coin and-   
  
  


 

Spiderman had just enough time to tug his mask back down before a pair of very large scaled feet landed on the rooftop he was on, cracking the concrete. There was a low growl and the sound of a serpentine tail scraping back and forth across the roof.

Spiderman sighed and turned to face the attacker. “What’s up Lizard, here to get your butt kicked again and-”

Spiderman’s voice died in his throat when he turned to fully face him. The mutant on front of him looked similar to Doctor Connors in his Lizard form, what with all the scales and teeth and such, but this was obviously a different lizard mutant.

Also Doctor Connors didn’t usually carry a small disheveled man around his shoulders like a scarf.

“How you all manage to jump about on rooftops all day, I’ll never understand.” The man around the crocodile thing’s shoulder’s groaned, looking distinctly green in the face. He took his purple top hat off and fanned his face with it, trying not to vomit.

The crocodile thing growled “If you barf on me I SWEAR I will throw you off this fucking building.”

Spiderman put his hands to his his. He pointed an accusing finger at Killer Croc “Ok first of all?” He looked Killer Croc up and down “No. I already have a reptile guy villain.” He put his hands up “There is a QUOTA and I filled it! So thanks but no thanks, I am not taking applications for new villains at this time.”

Killer Croc didn’t quite know how to respond to that. He shrugged the Mad hatter off his shoulders, the man falling to the rooftop with a groan. He tapped his claws together nervously before awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh….I don’t think that’s how it works...I mean… don’t I just fight you and-”

“QUOTAS!” Spiderman threw up his hands “FILLED!” He squinted angrily at Killer Croc “Also does The Lizard know you’re here stealing his thing?”

Killer Croc growled and put his hands to his hips. “HEY!” He pointed one taloned finger at Spiderman “I’m a CROCODILE! I’m not stealing anyone’s thing!”

Spiderman shrugged, waving a hand about vaguely “Lizard, Crocodile, Potato, Po-tah-to.”

“YEAH WELL!” Killer croc pointed a finger angrily. He sputtered for a moment as he struggled to think of a comeback “YOU SHOULD SHUT UP!” He finished lamely.

“Ah yes.” Jervis looked up at Killer croc where he sat in the roof, his top hat in his hands “Good one Jones, you really got him with that one.”

Killer Croc turned to growl at the Mad hatter “OH SHUT UP YOU LIMEY!”

Spiderman turned to the Mad hatter as well “Also who the heck are you and what are you supposed to be?”

The Mad hatter sat up straighter, sticking his overbite out indignantly. He put the top hat back on his head with as much dramatic flourish one could feasibly muster while still sitting on the floor. His gloved hands trailed elegantly through the air “I am the Mad Hatter!”

Spiderman put a hand to his face and sighed “....Ok how am I honestly supposed to feel about this? How are you a villain? It would be like if Bo peep tried to rob a bank.”

“Hey!” The Mad Hatter put his hands on his hips, his brows furrowing “I can TOO be quite frightening!”

Killer Croc chortled and The Mad Hatter shot him a venomous look.

“Alright you know what.” Spiderman edged closer to the edge of the roof “I’m just gonna go, I have like, hero stuff to do, both of you can come back when you have better villain identities.”

“Not so fast bug boy.” Catwoman swung onto the roof, her leather costume shining in the light. She cracked her whip behind her “We have some questions for you.” She purred.

Spiderman pointed a finger at her. “What is it tonight with random people ripping off my villains? Do I have to tell all my villains to go get copyrighted? This is ridiculous!”

Catwoman gaped at him. She put her hands on her hips defensively, cocking an eyebrow “What do you mean ripping THEM off? Whoever your villain is is the rip-off!” 

Spiderman shook his head “Black cat does it better.”

She motioned to her costume indignantly “This is all original concept here! Also Black Cat is a stupid name!” Actually that was a lie. It was an awesome name. Catwoman silently cursed herself for not thinking of it first.

Spiderman snapped his fingers and pointed at her “Let me guess. You’re a sometimes villain, sometimes anti-hero cat burglar.” He clasped his hands together and blinked wistfully “But really you have a heart of gold!” He squeaked out in a sarcastic falsetto “And you have an off again, on again romance with your hero while flipping around and saying cat puns.”

Catwoman flushed under the mask. “N-NO!”

Killer Croc grinned at her, absolutely loving that he wasn’t the only one whose faults were being addressed. He also suspected a thing between Catwoman and Batman but could never prove it, but now the look on her face confirmed it for him. “Catwoman and Batman sitting in a tree!”

Jervis joined Killer Croc for the next verse “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Catwoman looked absolutely furious, sputtering with her cheeks red.  “I DO NOT I WILL THROW BOTH OF YOU OFF THIS BUILDING I SWEAR THAT NOBODY WILL FIND THE BODIES I-”

Spiderman rolled his eyes and decided that it would probably be best to just… leave. Spiderman waved at the villains while they were distracted “lol bye weirdos. Come back when you have better villain shticks” He began to step off the roof and-

A pretty red-headed woman stood in front of him, vines from around her clinging to the side of the building. She smiled at him and before Spiderman could react a couple of blooms from her vines opened around him. His vision blurred and he felt himself falling to his knees. The world was going fuzzy at the edges, the sounds muffled through miles of cotton, black seeping in at the corners of his vision.

Before he fell unconscious his last thought was-

‘Oh great, this one is ripping off Plantman. I should tell my villains to sue.’

And then everything went black.

  
  
  


Harley and Deadpool were talking in the living room, the beginnings of the sunrise coming through the kitchen window and setting the small dingy apartment aglow in yellow and pink light. Behind them, Two-face was wearing a sombrero, diligently vacuuming the floor while muttering direly under his breath.

Harley bit the nail on her thumb, looking out the window worriedly, as if any moment the Joker would burst through with a tommy gun and whisk her away. “I can’t believe he followed me here Wade…” Harley’s shoulders were shaking slightly. She ran a hand down her face and took a deep breath to try and calm herself down “I’m so sorry that I got you into this mess.”

Wade sighed. Behind him Two-face was scrubbing the kitchen counter as if he was taking personal revenge against the grease stain yesterday’s pizza box left there. Wade shook his head and put a comforting hand on Harley’s shoulder. He shrugged and gave Harley a small smile “Oh please, I’ve been in enough of my own messes. It’s almost refreshing to be in someone else’s for a change.”

Harley snorted out a laugh, leaning towards Deadpool and thunking her head against his chest. He smelled like mexican food and military grade c4 and now Harley would always find the smell comforting because they reminded her of him “...Thanks big bro…”

Deadpool hugged her, patting her back and setting his chin on the top of her head “You’re welcome little sis.” He pulled back and put a finger under her chin, coaxing her to look up at him “But for realsies….” His tone turned serious, his brows furrowing and his lips thinning under the mask “He’s not going to get you, he’s not going to force you to come back with him, not if Wade-motherfucking-Wilson has anything to say about it.”

Harley smiled up at him, once again absurdly grateful to have met him “Wow, ‘motherfucking’ is an interesting middle name, does it run in the family?”

Deadpool snorted “From my father, yes.” He scooped Harley up, hugging her tightly before setting her back down on the floor. The golden early morning light made both his and Harley’s red costumes almost orange in the light. “He’s not going to get to you. Promise.”

Harley opened her mouth to reply but-

“THAT’S IT!” Two-face threw down the sombrero, the novelty hat smacking down onto the linoleum of the kitchen with a harsh THWACK. He pulled out his gun and aimed it at Deadpool “I’M DONE CLEANING! I am going to fucking shoot you or I-”

“Or!” Harley put up a finger, a smile stretching across her face and her eyebrows quirking up “You can come with us to the store to get some groceries!”

Deadpool looked down at her “Oh yeah… Weren’t we going to do spaghetti and meatballs tonight?”

Two-face glared at the pair of them, his head whipping back and forth to stare at Deadpool and then Harley incredulously “HARLEY THIS IS SERIOUS I’M NOT GOING T-”

Deadpool tutted, wagging his finger at Harvey Dent “Two choices! Heads, you shoot me. Tails you go with us to the grocery store.”

Two-face’s eyes were wide, aiming the gun at Deadpool and then at Harley. He reached into his jacket, taking out his coin. He flipped it and-   
  


 

 

It had been decided to relocate The Joker to the SHIELD Helicarrier. SHIELD was using the mobile base to look for new portal openings, trailing lowly over the city as scanners raked invisibly across buildings. Agents were tapping away at computers, monitoring the scanners and trying to find Deadpool’s last known whereabouts. 

Find Deadpool, find the girl.

Iron man and Captain America had tried to call Spiderman, since he seemed to be Deadpool’s designated keeper nowadays, but only got a busy signal. This understandably put them on edge, sharing a worried look between them. It wasn’t like him, and there were a lot of interdimensional weirdos running about as of recent.

The Joker was oddly placid, allowing himself to be handcuffed with a smirk. He watched agents buzz around the busy Helicarrier.

An alarm rang through the SHIELD base. Iron Man, Captain America, Bruce Banner, The Joker and Director Fury all looked up at the ominous flashing lights.

“Sir!” A SHIELD agent trotted over to Fury “It’s another portal incoming in T minus five.”

Fury glanced at Iron Man and Captain America. “Move to intercept, bring them back here for questioning if you can.”

Captain America nodded “Can do.”

The Joker grinned, throwing up a salute and clicking his heels together “Sir yes sir!”

Fury growled at him “Not you clown boy.” He glowered down at The Joker “You’re staying right where I can see you.”

The Joker looked up at Captain America “If you see that Villain, The Batman, don’t listen to any of his lies, he is a very devious fellow you know.” He shrugged, laughing as he waved a hand dismissively “Villains! What can you do, amiright?”

Captain America nodded “uh… yeah thank you. Will do.” he started to edge out of the room “And don’t worry, we’ll get the girl back safe and sound.”

The Joker clasped his hands together, batting his eyelashes “So noble!”

Iron Man rolled his eyes, motioning towards The Joker  “Are you seriously going to believe Stephen King’s IT over here?” He crossed his arms testily “We should have thrown him out of the helicarrier by now.”

Captain America stood between The Joker and Iron Man. “Relax! He’s cuffed ok? What is with you and clowns?”

Iron Man squinted back at him. “I don’t like clowns ok! Clowns are Evil!”

Behind Captain America’s back The Joker grinned widely at Iron Man. He flexed his gloved hands and a single red balloon appeared at his cuff, slowly inflating with helium before it began to rise in the air. The Joker cocked his head, smiling impossibly wider. “WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE, GEORGIE.” He hissed, his voice low and gravelly “WE ALL FLOAT.”

Iron Man began to sweat. Pennywise’s honking laugh from the original 1990’s movie playing behind his eyes on repeat “THAT’S IT!” He yelled “I’M KILLING THE CLOWN!”

Captain America took a hold of his arm and hurriedly changed the direction of the laser attack. “NO!” He yelled back as Iron Man struggled against him “NO KILLING THE CLOWN!”

The Joker looked on amused. Fury lifted a vase off a side table as a volley of lasers from Iron Man’s repulsors scorched the walls, replacing it when the attack was finished. He set down the vase and turned towards the two of them. “Just get the fuck off my damn ship already. You have potential hostiles to confront.” Before Iron Man and Captain America could react, he took a remote from his pocket. He pressed the button on the remote and the floor of the helicarrier cabin slid away, dropping Iron Man and Captain America both into the air above the city.

Captain America and Iron man screamed as they fell from the Helicarrier. Iron Man flipped off Nick Fury as he went. “FUCK YOU NICK Furrryyyyyyyyy” He screamed as he dropped.

Fury stared down the hole nonplussed “Go get em fuck-os” 

The floor slid back into place and Fury pressed the communicator in his ear “Fury to Black Widow.”

Natasha Romanov paused where she had been looking down the scope of a sniper rifle, tracking the movement of a target in the building across from her. “Black Widow here.”

“We’re having inter-dimensional potential hostiles.” Fury responded “I’m sending you the coordinates, when can you be there?”

Natasha sighed and looked to her phone. “Give me five.” She folded the sniper rifle and placed it back into its carrying bag before stashing it on the rooftop. She was pulling out her gauntlets when she looked up to see two screaming idiots dropping from the sky. One figure quickly engaged their repulsor beams and saved the other one from dropping to their death entirely.

Natasha rolled her eyes “Goddamnit fury.” She whispered.

Suddenly, a couple of rooftops over, a large blue portal opened, blue light spilling over the area.

Natasha’s brows furrowed. “Well then.” She murmured, bringing up her gauntlets and testing them, electricity sparking over her knuckles “Let’s go meet the interdimensional neighbors.”

  
  
  


A portal opened up over one of the New York city skyscrapers, overlooking the Avengers tower. Batman stepped out of the portal, followed closely by Batgirl.

Batman went to the edge of the building. There was an electronic overlay from the machinery inside his cowl as he scanned the city.

Batgirl rolled her eyes. She watched the blue portal close behind them with a grimace “So… what’s the plan here?”

“Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Two-face, Killer croc, Catwoman and The Joker are all here in this dimension. We find them, bring them back.”

Batgirl shrugged “Why though? I mean it’s not our dimension, wouldn’t this solve a lot of problems back home?”

Batman turned to look at her “They are our responsibility. No matter what dimension. We’re bringing them back.” He looked back at the city “They could do untold damage here.”

Batgirl joined him at the edge of the building, looking out over the city “So once we get them, how are we getting them back?” She looked back at where the portal had disappeared “We couldn’t exactly take the portal generator in Gotham with us.”

Batman pulled out the beaten tablet. He turned on the tablet and showed Batgirl the security camera footage of Deadpool with a bloodied Harley Quinn in his arms when he had first rescued her from the aftermath of the Joker pushing her out a window. 

He pointed at Deadpool with a gloved finger “This person, they are originally from this dimension. They were able to come to our dimension, take Harley and then come back to this dimension.” Batman pocketed the device once more “That means that they have a stable way to produce a portal at whim.”

“Huh.” Batgirl shrugged “That makes sense. Find Harley, find ladybug portal guy too.”

“I highly doubt he’s patterning himself after a ladybug on purpose.” Batman mused “People who wield swords and machine guns rarely do.” 

Batgirl shrugged.”Well he looks like a ladybug to me.” She turned to look at The Avenger’s tower. “Avengers huh?” She cocked her head and squinted “I wonder who they are.”

Batman looked through the city, trails of energy from the portals dotted throughout. His villains had been busy in this dimension apparently. There was an alert on the computer overlay. Two incoming from above, one incoming from the side. “They’re probably the people coming to meet us just now.”

Batgirl turned to him “The people that are WHA-” Barbara had just enough time to dodge a punch from Black Widow, electricity sparking across her gauntlets.

Batman turned to the two men floating down from the sky. He waited expectantly as Iron man touched down on the roof, letting Captain America down before he raised his repulsor at the dark clad man.

Iron man glared at Batman. Batman glared back at him. The tension between them palpable.

Iron Man huffed, the sound distorted electronically through his suit. “I know he said you were called ‘The Batman’ but I guess I didn’t really think he meant literally.”

Batman stared back, impassive. “You know about me?”

Captain America stepped forward. The look on his face stern and solid. “Why don’t you come back to our base with us so we can get this all sorted out.”

Batman looked at him, the breeze blowing his cape slightly. Behind him Barbara dodged another one of Black Widow’s attacks. The eyes of his mask narrowed “I haven’t gotten what I came here for yet.”

Iron Man scoffed “Well I guess that’s not going to happen then.”

A batarang slid silently out of one of Batman’s gloves, sharp and unseen by Captain America and Iron Man.

“Too bad.” Batman mused “I suppose that means I’ll have to decline.”

Iron man glowered down at him “I’m not asking.”

Batman glared back “Neither am I.”

Batman threw the batarang.

  
  
  


Harley flipped through the store coupon brochure with interest. She blew a bubble in the bubble gum she was chewing “Hey Wade they have a sale on pork rinds, two for one.”

Deadpool was wearing a hoodie and a baseball cap. The cap happened to be another one of his and Harley’s thrift store finds, a bright green with the word “COCKWOMBLE” printed confidently across the front.

Neither of them knew what it meant but it was too funny to pass up. He pushed the shopping cart, whistling to himself and adjusting his cockwomble hat. He looked down at the basket of the cart. “Do you eat pork rinds Harvey? It’s two for one! Just like you!”

Harvey dent glared up at Deadpool from where he was laying in the basket of the shopping cart, quietly seething, his long legs sticking out of the end of the cart. “I hate you.”

“Ooooh!” Harley tapped Deadpool on the shoulder to get his attention “They have a nice sale on cereal! Don’t we need cereal?”

Deadpool nodded “Oh yeah…” He took the ad out of Harley’s hands and booped her on the nose with it “We’re not getting lucky charms again though.”

Harley groaned “Whaaaat? No fair!”

Deadpool pushed the cart forward, dumping a couple of boxes of spaghetti noodles into Harvey’s lap where he sat in the cart. “You literally ate every red balloon marshmallow in the box you ASS.”

Harley put up her hands “They’re the best part!”

Deadpool whirled to look at her “They taste like every other marshmallow in the box!”

“LIES AND SLANDER!” Harley yelled back, outrage in her voice “LIES!!! AND SLANDER!!!”

Deadpool harumphed and turned away from Harley. He pushed the cart around the corner and into the cereal aisle “You know they discontinued the original red marshmallow because the coloring they used turned people’s pee red?”

“Huh.” Harley blinked “No shit? Anyways I still think the red balloon marshmallow is the tastiest.”

Deadpool raised his eyebrows at her “And I still think that you’re wrong!” He picked up a couple of boxes of cereal, shoving them in front of Two-face’s face “Alright Harvey Warvey.” He shook the boxes at the villian “Cocoa puffs or cookie crisp?”

Harvey sighed and took out his coin.   
  


 

 

The cashier for the grocery store blinked when they saw the next customer in line. Deadpool, the infamous mercenary was perusing the display of gum and candy bars in the line. A pretty blonde woman in a red and black uniform stood next hi him, thumbing through magazines. Another man sat in the grocery cart, he was perfectly divided on each half of his face, one side young and handsome and the otherside burned and deformed. His suit was similarly divided between white and black. The man in the cart sighed, staring out ahead of him like he was planning a grisly murder. He looked like he might have once been dignified if it wasn’t for the fact that he was half buried in bags of chips and boxes of noodles, a bundle of bananas sitting in his lap.

The cashier began to sweat “Uh… h-hey…” They pulled on the collar of their uniform and almost froze when Deadpool glanced up to look at them “f-find everything alright?”

Deadpool smiled “Yeah! Thanks I did!” He reached down into the cart and patted the man there on the head. The man hissed and bunched his shoulders up “Found this coconut in the produce section”

Harvey growled “Touch me again and I’ll bite off your fingers.”

Deadpool giggled “Or!” He took the bundle of bananas off Harvey’s lap. He peeled off the sticker and pressed it to Harvey’s forehead “You can be a bunch of bananas!”

Harvey sighed, a look of seething resignation on his face.

The cashier scanned their items. Chips, spaghetti noodles, marinara sauce, cocoa puffs, ground beef and-

The cashier looked at the man in the cart, the price sticker on his forehead, down the the bananas on the belt without a sticker. Deadpool looked at the cashier expectantly.

The cashier smiled at Two-face apologetically and shrugged. “...sorry…”

Two-face sighed and closed his eyes resolutely.

The cashier scanned the sticker on the man’s forehead. The screen read ‘bananas $1.99’.

Deadpool grinned down at the man in the cart “Harvey Warvey! You never told me you were a banana!”

Harvey stared straight ahead with a grimace, the sticker still on his forehead “I will kill you in your sleep.”

The woman grinned and leaned down into the cart “Or….”

Deadpool leaned down into the cart on the other side “You can have a movie marathon with us!” He sing-songed.

The man grimaces at the both of them.

The woman rested her elbows on the cart edge, waggling her eyebrows and blowing a bubble in her gum “Tails you shoot him, heads we have a rad movie party.”

Two-face sighed and pulled out his coin.

  
  
  


It was an unusually quiet day in Gotham city. The news that Batman has left the city traveled fast, it always does, and usually on days like this, Gotham’s villains come out of the woodwork to enjoy his absence. Both the day and night would filled with bank robberies and schemes and petty crimes until Nightwing or other such small time vigilantes come in to control them but-

Gotham buzzed along fine. Cars cruised along, not being crushed by any giant monsters or doomsday devices. Priceless possibly cursed artifacts remained in the museums. Banks remained as of yet, unexploded.

The News anchor on the Gotham city news channel shrugged their shoulders where they sat behind their desk. “What can I tell you folks?” they smiled and rearranged the papers on their desk “No bank robberies, nobody turned into mind controlled zombies, no mutant creatures lurking in the city.” He laughed “Just a nice, quiet Gotham day!” He motioned off screen “Now to Sydney with the villain forecast!”

The villain forecast was a staple in cities like Gotham, Metropolis and New York where there was a high capacity of heroes and villains. It was necessary for the common person to know, if there was a high chance of your bank being robbed by a giant flame wielding mutant, maybe it was best to do that particular chore another day, if Mr.Freeze was out and about maybe it wasn’t the day to wear shorts, even if it was summer, that sort of thing.

Sydney the villain forecaster smiled, she stood in front of a large map of Gotham in a pink skirt suit. The map was decorated with felt cut-outs of some of Gotham’s more notorious villains, tacked to the board with push pins over various Gotham neighborhoods and districts.

“Haha! Thanks Chuck!” She held up a finger “Nobody knows exactly why, but some of Gotham’s most notorious villains-” She pointed at some of the villains on the map behind her “The Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Two-face, Killer Croc and even the Mad Hatter-” She shrugged at the camera “Have all gone missing!” she removed their felt cutouts from the map.

She tapped a finger to her lips “Mister Freeze and Scarecrow are still in Arkham for the moment but-” She winked and waggled a finger at the camera “We all know how long that lasts!” She shrugged and laughed “But for the time being-” She removed Freeze’s and Scarecrow’s felt cut outs as well.

The map was not looking considerably emptier. Sydney sighed “That leaves us with The Penguin, who is claiming to have gone straight-” She removed his cutout from the map.

Sydney groaned “That leaves us with the likes of the Riddler, the regular ol’ mob.… and The Condiment King…” she shrugged “So stay away from giant question marks I guess when it comes to the Riddler. Oh and if you want to go to Gotham park today-” She placed the condiment king’s felt cut out on the map, tacking directly over Gotham park “-bring an umbrella at least”

The camera panned back to Chuck “Haha! Well if it’s just The Condiment King out there then it sounds like a pretty good day and-”

“NO!” Sydney physically dragged the camera back to focus on her “FUCK YOU CHUCK THE CONDIMENT KING IS A FUCKING BASTARD!”

Chuck leaned over to grimace at the camera “uh… let’s go to commercial break.”

“HE RUINED MY SISTER’S BATMITZVAH!” Sydney screamed.

Chuck made a motion across his neck “Cut the footage!”

“RUINED IT CHUCK! RUINED IT!” Sydney screamed before the camera suddenly cut out, going to commercial break.

  
  
  


Susie Johnson pushed her baby stroller through the Gotham city park, her umbrella splattered slightly with ketchup.

An old lady approached her going the other direction, the old woman’s umbrella was also splattered with relish and mustard “Lovely day we’re having!” she greeted, waving a wrinkled hand.

Susie laughed “Yeah! Have to take advantage of these nice, sunny, low-villian days!”

The old woman tutted “Back in my day villains had a bit more class. Just up and leaving the city with no warning? What are we? Chopped liver?”

Susie sighed, reaching into the stroller and adjusting the hat on her baby “It really does feel odd going to work and not having the bank robbed, or coming home and not having to hack away some of poison ivy’s mutant vines from our apartment building.” she put her finger to her lips.

The old woman shook her head “Disgraceful is what it is, no battle or anything before going.”

Susie patted the old woman’s arm “I’m sure they’ll be back eventually. Batman too.”

The old woman huffed “They better. Batman’s replacement is terrible.”

Susie paused “Batman’s replacement?”

The old woman gave her a dire look “You’ll see.”

Suddenly The Condiment King strode to the center of the park on top of a grassy hill. He brandished his condiment guns threateningly at the civilians, most of whom just sighed and unfurled their umbrellas.

“I am the CONDIMENT KING!” he announced, flailing his condiment guns around “I will RELISH your defeat! I MUSTARD gain victory! There is no way you can KETCHUP with me I-”

A green-skinned man wearing nothing but a pair of green briefs, red boots, red gloves, a red feather boa, and Batman’s cape and cowl came barreling towards The Condiment Kings. “GET A TASTE OF MY KUNG-FU ACTION MOTHERFUCKER!” The Creeper went for a karate kick to the chest, but his form was so poor that it ended up a bit… lower… than he meant it to.

Susie and the old lady winced, the sound of the hit echoing through the park.

The old lady shook his head. “...that poor bastard.”

The Condiment King dropped to his knees, his eyes filling with tears, clutching his crotch. The Condiment King wheezed painfully. “...noooooo….” He groaned. “The Condiment King’s…. Weenie….” he then collapsed fully on the grass.

The Creeper stood over The Condiment King, his hands on his hips. “Whoops. Sorry there dude.” He shrugged and did a couple of finger guns “Whatever! I’m still counting this as score one for the good guys!”

The Creeper whirled around dramatically, looking at Susie and the old lady. “You there! Citizens!” he announced in a deep caricature of Batman’s voice. He flexed his arms and did a couple of ‘Heroic’ poses. “Anything the NEW BATMAN can help you with?”

Susie’s lips thinned. “Uh…. no?”

The Creeper grinned “Oh I know!” He pointed at the old Lady “I’ll help you CROSS THE STREET!”

Before Susie could react the Creeper swooped the old lady off her feet, running towards the nearest crosswalk. 

“LET ME GO YOU GREAT GREEN ASSHOLE!” the old woman screamed, hitting him with her handbag as he ran with her in his arms.

A young boy wearing the Robin costume ran into the park. He nodded at Susie. “M’am have you seen a green weirdo pretending to be Batman?”

Susie pointed in the direction The Creeper had ran, the old woman still yelling obscenities.

Robin nodded at her “Thank you.” He then continued to run “GET BACK HERE YOU GREEN ASSHOLE! YOU’LL BESMIRCH THE NAME! YOU HEAR ME? BESMIRCH!!!!”

Susie sighed. She hoped Batman and the normal villains would be back soon...

 

 

Two-face, Harley and Deadpool sat in the floor of Deadpool’s apartment living room. The three of them were watching Lilo and Stitch on Netflix for Harley and Deadpool they were watching it for the third time in three days. Two-face was between Harley and Deadpool, staring at the screen, an annoyed yet resigned look on his face as Harley and Deadpool laughed at something in the movie.

Harvey rested his square chin on his knees. He had tried to kill Deadpool at least eight times today, once over dinner and another time while they were choosing the netflix movie, and every SINGLE time Deadpool had beaten him by adding another choice. Instead of killing Deadpool, Harley got to paint his nails red, he helped cook the pasta for the evening, and he took Harley’s Hyenas out for a lovely afternoon walk.

He looked down at the coin in his hand. The law of probability, a 50-50 chance, it was the entirety of what he had based his shoddy coping mechanism on. With two personalities in his head it had become paralyzing to work it out between the both of them, that’s what the coin was for but-

He looked at Deadpool, the mercenary threw a piece of popcorn in the air and tried to catch it in his mouth, but only succeeded in hitting himself on the forehead with it. He had taken off his mask when they had sat down for the movie. Seeing Deadpool’s scarred face had made Two-face realize why trying to intimidate him earlier with his own half-melted face hadn’t worked.

It was supposed to be 50-50, between Harvey Dent and Big bad Harv, the coin deciding for the both of them, but now the choices were between both Harveys and whatever stupid shit Deadpool said. Every. Single. Time.

The law of probability had abandoned them.

Harvey and Big Bad Harv were screaming in their head. The coin wasn’t working! It wasn’t working it-

On the screen Lilo drew an outline of Stitch, coloring it in with red crayon. Lilo put the sketchbook in front of Stitch and pointed. “This is you.” she explained. She pointed at the red crayon line “And this is your badness level…” She looked at him. “It’s unusually high for someone your size.”

Both Harv and Harvey watched, tears filling their eyes. It made sense, they were too bad, they couldn’t go back they-

“My badness levels!” Two-face looked despairingly at the screen as he watched Lilo coloring in Stitch’s ‘badness levels’ diagram with red crayon “They’re too high!” Tears began to roll down their cheeks.

Harley nodded knowingly, patting Harvey Dent’s shoulder, chewing on a twizzler like a cowboy with a bit of wheat or a pilot with a toothpick. “That’s right. Let it alllll out.”

Deadpool shrugged. He had a plate of leftover spaghetti from that night’s dinner on his lap. He licked some marinara off his fingers “Nobody’s badness level is too high.” He gave the villain a grin “A wise clown girl once told me that the nice thing about being broken is that you can put yourself back together into something new, maybe even something better once you’re done.”

Harley put her hands to either sides of her face “Aww!” She jostled Harvey’s shoulder “I think I was that wise clown girl!”

Two-face put their head on their knees. “...We’ve been like this for too long I-”

“Dissociative identity disorder?” Deadpool asked conversationally.

Harvey looked up at him, nodding slowly.

Deadpool pointed at his own head and shrugged. “I have some extra buddies up here too. How many extra buds do you have?”

“There’s just two of us.” Two-face looked curiously at Deadpool “How many do you have?”

“Oh yeah duh.” Deadpool squinted at Two-face “I shoulda known there were two you have quite the theme going on there.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly “And to answer your second question I have White and Yellow, they’re two boxes who narrate what I do.”

Two-face touched his forehead, staring back at Deadpool “It’s me and Big bad Harv in here.” He answered back, his voice audibly different.

“He needs me to do what he’s too chicken shit to do.” Big bad Harv answered back automatically.

Deadpool snorted “Big bad Harv? That’s a stupid name.”

“As opposed to White and Yellow?” Both Harveys growled back.

Deadpool shrugged “Touche.”

Harley grinned, clapping both men on the shoulders and bringing them in for a hug “Yay!!! Mental illness buddies!”

Two-face huffed out a laugh. “It was supposed to be 50-50 split between the two of us but you-” He shook his head “What am I supposed to do without probability?”

Deadpool shrugged “Sounds like a shitty coping mechanism my dude.” He pointed at his head and tapped his temple “We’re all parts of the same dude up here.” He shook his head “Look I’m the last person anyone should be asking advice on mental illness”  He grimaced and rubbed the back of his head “Also we’ve kinda been taking advantage of your coping mechanism so I feel a little bad, but not THAT bad because it was to stop you from going all shooty shooty bang bang on us but-” Deadpool reached over and patted Harley on the head. Harley giggled and leaned towards him “Like the wise clown girl said, when you’re broken you get to make yourself into something different, maybe even something better.” He pointed at Harvey’s forehead, the banana sticker still stuck there from their earlier shopping trip “So… dealer’s choice my dude I guess.”

Harvey sighed, rubbing a hand across a cheek. “I can’t...I can’t be good while Big bad Harv is still here. I have to get rid of him I-”

“Or.” Deadpool offered with a shrug “He can decide to be good too…”

Their eyes widened. They turned away, their brows furrowed with thought. They hadn’t...considered that...

Harvey looked down at the bowls of snacks laid out for the movie night. He took his coin out of his pocket. He considered the coin, watching light shine across the silver surface. “Heads…” He murmured “I take some of the licorice, tails...I take the popcorn.”

Harvey dent flipped the coin, a shining glimmer in the air.

Deadpool and Harley leaned in as Harvey slapped the coin onto the back of his hand, slowly revealing it.

Harley looked down at the coin. “Huh. Tails.”

Two-face looked down at the bowls of snacks, a small smile stretching across his face. He reached down into a bowl and-

Two-face bit into a licorice stick, tearing the candy in half with his teeth. A smug smile stretching across his face.

He laughed. “I...WE…” He turned to Deadpool, his smile widening “WE get to decide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed! This chapter was a lot of work but holy hell was it fun to write! 
> 
> If you liked consider leaving a comment! It's always nice to know if people like what you're doing and want it to continue. Helps the gears turn, spurs the motivation and helps keep the updates coming!
> 
> Also, please tell me i'm not the only one who was wheezing at what happened to Condiment King. I just-


	6. Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker makes his move, The gotham villains have Spiderman and Deadpool tries to hide Harley in the safest place he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry I meant for this to be the last chapter but I ran out of time! The chapter was getting long and I'm being whisked away for a surprise trip to Montreal so this is where we are. The next chapter will be the last one I promise! Meanwhile I hope you enjoy the shenanigans here! I might re-write some of this fic when it is all said and done with!
> 
> Thanks to Madammina for giving me the idea about Mr.Freeze ;3

Alfred Pennyworth watched Damian run out after The Creeper with a long-suffering sigh. The boy didn’t even take the bag lunch Alfred had made for him. 

The child was going to come back after who knows how long, hungry, tired, and extremely cranky and petulant because of it. He’s much like his father that way. As a child Bruce would never wear the scarves Alfred gave him, or eat the lunch he packed for him, and the child would always come back cold, cranky and tired. Alfred would always scold him gently for it of course, but scarves would always remain unworn, and bagged lunches would always remain uneaten.

He looked sadly down at the packed lunch. It had a lovely turkey and swiss on homemade ciabatta with pesto (No tomatoes, Damian despised tomatoes). One small container had a bit of roasted red potatoes with rosemary butter, the other had a bit of truffle and parmesan risotto.

He resolved to keep it in the fridge for when Master Damian, Master Bruce or Miss Gordon would return. Miss Gordon appreciated his cooking at least. He can’t imagine she could cook much on the college dorm she was in and-

The thought of Miss Gordon brought Alfred out of his thoughts and back to the current situation. That’s right, he was to call the young misses father.

The Creeper (The horrible green underwear clad degenerate) had managed to sneak into the Batcave and steal Master Bruce’s cape and cowl, as well as a utility belt.

Alfred grimaced down at the current state of the Batcave. Cans of soda littered the counters and under the oversized computer monitors and there was a stack of greasy pizza boxes. Different suits were littered haphazardly across the floor like a department store after a sale. Just how long had the nincompoop been down here? Alfred picked up one of Miss Gordon’s batgirl suits and frowned, Creeper had stretched out the elastic trying on the woman’s trousers that inconsiderate reprobate! Alfred worked hard mending those for her! The Creeper had better watch himself or he’ll get one of Alfred’s expertly polished dress shoes straight up his arse!

Alfred grumbled, picking his way through the ruined lab. He brushed away a pizza box and pressed a button, engaging the batcave computer.

“Computer.” Alfred instructed, flicking a bit of pizza cheese from the keyboard, his eyebrows furrowed with disdain. “Place an untraceable call to Commissioner Gordon’s number.”

“Would you like me to disguise your voice sir?” The computer answered back placidly.

Alfred sighed, pushing a couple of empty soda cans to the side so that he could sit down in the chair. “Might as well.”

“Understood.” The computer chimed “Calling commissioner Gordon”  
  
  


 

Commissioner Gordon was in his office, leaning back in his chair as he watched the Gotham villain forecast. Sydney the villain forecaster on the local Gotham station, was in front of a cork board with little felt cutouts of the city’s villains tacked to it, most of whom, she explained, were completely absent. Commissioner Gordon sipped his coffee leisurely. Low villain days were a rare treasure in this city, and he was planning on making the most of it, maybe he could take the afternoon off and pick Barb up from her college and they could go for ice cream. He hasn’t seen his little Barb-bear for a while, what with all her classes and extracurriculars.

On his office television the camera panned back to Chuck at the main news desk “Haha! Well if it’s just The Condiment King out there then it sounds like a pretty good day and-”

“NO!” Sydney physically dragged the camera back to focus on her, the picture of vindictive rage in a pale pink skirt suit, her eyes narrowed to slits under a fringe of curly brown hair “FUCK YOU CHUCK! THE CONDIMENT KING IS A FUCKING BASTARD!”

Chuck leaned over to grimace at the camera “uh… let’s go to commercial break.”

“HE RUINED MY SISTER’S BATMITZVAH!” Sydney screamed.

Chuck made a cutting motion across his neck as a cue to the camera man “Cut the footage!” he hissed hurriedly.

“RUINED IT CHUCK! RUINED IT!” Sydney screamed before the camera suddenly cut out, going to commercial break.

Commissioner Gordon sighed, taking another long sip of hot coffee. He remembered that case, the way that the mustard had clung to the walls of the synagogue, the way that the relish had squished under his boots.

He shivered.

A call to his office phone startled the commissioner out of his revelry. He shook his head to try and rid himself of the image of a little girl crying in a relish stained dress as her sister glowered madly at her side, her tiny hands balled into fists. He answered the phone.

“Commissioner Gordon.” He stated gruffly into the phone. “How mayo-” He growled and shook his head again, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers “I mean how MAY I help you today?”

“There is a hooligan out there pretending to be Batman.” A modulated voice complained on the other side of the call. Commissioner Gordon thought he could hear what sounded like a sigh before it was garbled by the voice modulator. “I was hoping you could put a stop to these shenanigans?”

Commissioner Gordon’s mustache bristled. “What? Who is this? What Batman imposter?”

“Who I am is of little importance.” The voice on the other side of the line grumbled “I’m simply a citizen who cares about Gotham and Batman’s place in it! Besides the hooligan is bound to muck it all up.”

Commissioner Gordon was suddenly struck by the horrible possibilities of a Batman imposter. Those were never good for Gotham. “Oh god…” He whispered, his eyes widening with horror. “Are they killing people? Or are th-”

“No.” The voice on the other side of the line sighed “They’re just being an utter nincompoop.”

Commissioner Gordon paused. His brows furrowed. “....is that all?”

“Yes well.” The voice on the other side of the line seemed a bit defensive “Someone could still get hurt.”

Commissioner Gordon sighed.”Look mister I-”

A noise from outside his office cut off his train of thought. He leaned out of his office and into the main precinct, covering the receiver of the phone with a palm. Two officers were currently huddled around a computer, wheezing with laughter.

“Hey!” Commissioner Gordon reprimanded the pair of them “The hell are you two doing? Don’t you have jobs to do?” officers Lupita Ramirez and Carl Freeman stood up at his voice, their cheeks flushed and their teeth clenched with the effort it took not to laugh.

“Sorry sir!” Lupita wheezed, raising a hand to stifle a mad giggle “Won’t happen again!”

Carl’s lips were quivering where they were stretched into a smile, tears welling in his eyes, obviously on the brink of breaking out into a new bout of laughter.

Commissioner Gordon raised an eyebrow at the pair. “What’s so funny anyways?”

Both officers exchanged a glance, wide smiles on their faces and their shoulders quaking with laughter. Officer Freeman covered his face in embarrassment, muffled guffaws sounding from beneath his palms. Officer Ramirez simply turned the computer towards the Commissioner with a snort.

The monitor showed a surveillance camera feed of Gotham city park, visitors were strolling through the fine afternoon, some couples and children were lounging on the grass, having picnics and enjoying the low villain day, all replayed in the grainy black and white footage. The Condiment King ran into the park, laughing and shooting his condiment guns as park goers simply sighed and unfurled their umbrellas, ignoring the D-list villain in favor of continuing their lunch and conversations.

Commissioner Gordon saw a black cape and a cowl with pointed ears and he unconsciously  perked up for a moment, thinking perhaps Batman had returned but-

The figure turned, and instead of wearing the familiar Batsuit, they seemed to only be wearing a pair of striped briefs and boots under the cape, Batman’s utility belt slung low on their thin hips. A feather boa was wrapped loosely around their shoulders

Commissioner Gordon frowned, his mustache following the motion and his eyebrows furrowing. “Is that?... Is that The Creeper?”

Commissioner Gordon had forgotten he was still on the phone until he heard the voice on the other end squeak out “The Creeper? Where!? PLEASE tell me you have him in custody!”

“Oh man.” Officer Lupita Ramirez’s shoulders were hunched, a smile on her face as her shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. “This is the best part.”

Commissioner Gordon turned his attention back to the screen. The Creeper in Batman’s cape ran up to The Condiment King, a couple of fake Karate chops before he kicked lowly and-

Commissioner Gordon winced as Officer Freeman and Officer Ramirez keeled over in a new round of hysterical laughing. 

“What! What is it? Do you have The Creeper in custody or not?” The modulated voice on the phone demanded “For goodness sakes answer me man!”

Commissioner Gordon turned back to the insistent voice on the phone. “No uh…. No he had a…” Commissioner Gordon watched The Condiment King on the footage writhe on the ground, their hands cupped protectively around their groin. The Creeper stood over them with their hands to their hips. “He had uh… a run in with The Condiment King.”

The voice was silent on the other side of the line. “A run in? Oh dear what did that mad man do now?”

Commissioner Gordon coughed, putting a hand up to stifle a laugh of his own. Keep it together Gordon you’re a professional. “He uh… he got im’ right in the pork and beans.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“Right in the old bacon and eggs, if you catch my meaning.”

“What?”

“The ol’ berries and banana. The trouser snake. The Baloney pony. The one eyed monster the-”

“GOOD GOD MAN SPEAK ENGLISH.”

“He got im….” Commissioner Gordon tried to call up every scrap of decorum and professionalism that he could gather in his long tenure with the Gotham city police to keep from laughing. “....Right in the Condiment King’s weenie.”

“Ah...Oh my.” Alfred put a gloved hand to his mouth to stifle a snort. He was more professional than this. Come on Pennyworth keep it together!

(snort)

“Yes ah.” Alfred coughed to clear his throat. “It seems that The Creeper must be stopped, or more people will get uh...hurt.”

Commissioner Gordon coughed to cover up a giggle. He suddenly remembered that this was a call from an absolute stranger “Wait! Stop stop stop! Who even ARE you? Why do you want to know about this fake Batman?”

Alfred rolled his eyes where he sat in the Batcave. Police types. Who are you? Why are you calling from an untraceable number? Typical. “Now now commissioner, we’ve been over this. I am only a citizen who wants to do what’s right and get this hooligan off the street. I ASSUME this is what you want as well?”

Commissioner Gordon sighed. It certainly wasn’t protocol, but if he was a man that did things straight by the book then well... he wouldn’t have been working with Batman for all these years.

Commissioner Gordon rose from his chair and closed the door to his office, leaving officer Ramirez and Freeman still laughing in the main precinct. “Fine.” He grumbled “I’ll hear you out, but I’m not going with anything that would endanger my officers or destroy public property.

Alfred smiled, leaning back into the chair in the batcave, a shuriken still sticking out of the leather. “Alright.” His smile widened “I have a plan.”

  
  
  


Victor Fries laid in his cot in Arkham asylum, watching the mist from the temperature control of the cell swirl around the icicles hanging from the ceiling. Dull blue eyes watched the ice from where they were set deep into dull blue skin. He looked like a frozen corpse in every way, say for the slow movement of his breath, slower than most humans would be, another side effect of the cryogenic chemicals that turned him into Mister Freeze to begin with, the same chemicals that kept his precious Nora in stasis, waiting for the day her illness could be cured.

When the funding for the research that was to save her stopped, Fries had been heartbroken, but then from that heartbreak he became determined.

Extremely determined.

He became so single minded and icy in his calculous, it was like he was a force of nature. The lab accident that day gave him ice in his veins, and his research gave him his cryogenic gun….

It had all seemed so logical at the time. 

No money to save his Nora? Fine, then get some, in any way possible, in the quickest way possible. It was as if all other options and obstacles had been swept away. There were people who had money, Nora needed the money to be saved, to come home to him again, Victor would get that money and he didn’t care how. From point A to point B until Victor Fries, scientist, researcher, and devoted husband, was pointing a gun at a terrified bank teller in an iced over lobby.

It had all seemed so logical at the time.

However, then The Batman had stopped him, but that was only because he didn’t appreciate the icy logic by which Victor Fries had come to his decision to steal.

Without Nora the world was wrong. Without Nora a crucial piece was missing. Couldn’t they all feel it? The way the world had changed without her? For Victor it was as if the sun was stolen from the sky, as if the sea went dry, as if the entirety of existence was knocked off kilter. The world had been changed in a sickening irreversible way without his Nora. He was only righting what was so obviously wrong. 

It had all seemed so logical at the time.

So he tried again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until Victor had to admit that his single mindedness had...perhaps...clouded out alternate opportunities. 

Now his Nora was out there, preserved frozen in the moment she left him, and he was without her. He was without her and no closer to freeing her than he was the moment she had been frozen. He tried to continue his research in Arkham, and had come to some interesting insights, but well... 

When one tries to rob a bank using an ice gun and several ice-themed hired henchmen, they become a maniac, and nobody listens to the scientific discoveries of a maniac.

“Iceman?” The occupant of the next cell knocked on the wall. The movement jostled free some of the icicles from Fries’s cell, sending them hurtling down like daggers toward his cot, stabbing deep into the mattress. 

Victor didn’t even move, didn’t even blink, as an icicle stabbed deep into the pillow next to his head. He just sighed. “What is it Riddler?”

“Want to hear a riddle?”

The riddler had only lasted a day without Batman to taunt. Why be outside when there’s nobody to play with? He had turned himself in to the regular police and strolled back into Arkham like he owned the place.

Victor sighed. “No Edward. I don’t want to hear a riddle.”

Edward Nygma laughed, stretching himself out on his own cot, his hands clasped behind his head “Lighter than what I am made of, more of me is hidden than what is seen, I am the bane of the mariner, the tooth within the sea.”

Victor sighed “I told you I didn’t want to hear a riddle.”

“Too bad!” Edward grinned putting up a finger. “You’re getting a riddle!”

“One day.” Victor explained placidly “One of these icicles are going right between your eyes.”

“Spoilsport.” Edward grumbled, turning away from the wall in his cot “See this is why nobody likes you.”

Victor suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.

There was an odd...ringing noise suddenly. It took Victor a moment to recognize it as the telephone in his room as well, the thing had never rang before.

As Mr. Fries reached for the phone, frost crackled and broke where it had accumulated across his skin. He looked distrustfully at the receiver of the phone, covered in the same thin sheen of ice as the rest of his cell.

“Hello.” Fries spoke into the phone, half expecting the ring to have been a malfunction of the machine “Doctor Fries.”

“Ah yes Hello Doctor Fries, how are you doing this fine evening?” A voice spoke through the receiver, though obviously being distorted.

“I’m cold.” Doctor Fries stated, because well he had no idea if in his state, mutated and in a mental facility, he could be qualified as “fine” under any stretch of the imagination. Cold at least he knew. “I’m cold. What did you wish to speak about?”

“Doctor Fries I would like to make you an offer.”

Victor’s eyebrow peaked “What...sort of offer?”

Alfred leaned back in his seat in the batcave. “I am willing to wire ten million dollars to the Nora Fries research foundation.”

Victor sat up in his cot, more awake and aware than he had been in weeks, the pupils of his blue-grey eyes narrowed to pinpricks. “What do you want.”

Alfred tapped his fingertips together a smile widening on his face. “I want to procure your...services.”

Victor listened closely, eying his cell, looking for weak points. “It might take some time to-”

There was a knock on the glass partition that separated Victor’s cell from the hallway. Commissioner Gordon was standing in the hallway, his hands stuffed into his brown jacket. A couple of officers flanked him on either side.

“You’ll be working with the police on this one.”  Gordon glared down at Fries “So no funny business, you’ll get your cryo-suit but you won’t be getting your real gun back.

Fries turned back to the phone, his brows furrowed with confusion. “...What exactly will you need from me?”

“All in due time, chap.” Alfred tittered into the phone “All in due time. All you need to know is that there is a fake Batman on the loose, and while we don’t want to hurt him, him going about willy nilly just won’t do. The money will be wired upon completion of our task.”

Victor nodded. “Very well. I am at your disposal.”  
  
  


 

The riddler watched Commissioner Gordon unlock Victor Fries’s cell, cold air flooding into the hallway. Victor rose to greet them.

It was odd to see the supervillain without his suit. Wearing only his Arkham inmate uniform he looked oddly vulnerable, like someone who had been left out in the cold. He stood in the doorway of the cell, tall and serious, a deathly blue tint to his skin.

“Look, Fries.” Commissioner Gordon addressed the man as the officers put the other man in a pair of cuffs. “I don’t think you’re a bad man, you just had a shitty turn and went about it in a bad way.” Commissioner Gordon pointed an accusing finger at Fries “That being said, I won’t hesitate to kick your ass and send you right back here is you try anything!”

When the officers were done with putting the special cryo-cuffs on Mr.Fries, one officer went lower and placed a monitoring cuff around his ankle.

Victor didn’t react to the ankle monitor being placed. He continued to stare back at Commissioner Gordon, his grey-blue eyes piercing, his face passive. “I would be amiss to do anything that would put the money towards Nora’s research foundation in jeopardy.” 

Commissioner Gordon gave the villain another once-over before he shrugged. He clapped Fries roughly on the back. “That ones between you and phone guy, If you wanna believe them then I won’t stop you, I just thought they had a point about the fake Batman.” When Fries made no sign of going back on his decision Commissioner Gordon continued “Alright. This might still be a bad idea but I’m going with it. I’ll give you the full debrief in the car. We rented one of those refrigerated meat trucks for the ride over to the evidence locker where your suit is. There might still be some meat in it, we apologize”

Fries gave a slow nod “That is acceptable.”

“Wait!” Edward Nygma went to the clear wall of his cell, pressing his hands against the glass. “Whatever the mission is I assure you that I could be of greater assistance! Why don’t y-”

“Iceberg.” Victor replied.

Edward’s brows furrowed “Pardon?”

Victor Fries walked down the hallway of Arkham asylum, a determined glint to his eyes, flanked on either side by police. Riddler yelled after them as they walked away but he took no notice. The florescent lights of the asylum cast long shadows across his face, his handcuffs glinting in the light. “Lighter than what I am made of, more of me is hidden than what is seen, I am the bane of the mariner and the tooth within the sea.” 

And with that Mr.Freeze was escorted out of Arkham asylum.  
  
  


 

Spiderman groaned, his vision was blurred slightly, the room seemed to be spinning slowly around him, turning side to side like a ship in choppy waters. There was bile at the back of his throat and he could tell that he was sweaty under the mask, his hair plastered to his head.

He pulled his arms experimentally and was unsurprised to find that he was restrained, his hands tied to the wooden chair he was on.

Great. Another kidnapping.

What was this? Kidnapping number 287? He should get a punch card or something, a free pizza every 10 kidnappings.

“I dunno man.” A voice grumbled a bit off from where Spiderman was still tied to a chair. He decided to listen in, trying not to give away that he was already awake.

“We haven’t seen all of the Spider-dude’s powers.” Killer croc continued, looking distrustfully back to where Spiderman was tied to the chair. “So far we only seen him flip around and shoot webs.”

Catwoman was lounging across a crate in the warehouse they had set up shop in, her head resting on a hand as she listened to Killer Croc. “So? Those seem like pretty good powers.”

“That’s because all you do is flip about.” Mad Hatter remarked. He took a sip of his tea, not looking up from his book. “And you don’t even have the decency to shoot webs.”

Catwoman gave him a nasty look “I also BITE Tetch, so watch your mouth!”

“Well no think of it!” Killer Croc leaned in with a hoarse whisper “That’s not spidery enough! If he was just about flipping around and shit he would have had a different name, so what I’m saying is that he must have another power!”

The Mad Hatter looked over his book at Killer croc, an eyebrow arched “What sort of power?”

Killer Croc turned to him “What if he’s like Aquaman, ya feel me? Like-” He put a scaly finger to either side of his head to illustrate his point. “Telepathic control over spiders!”

“Oh come on.” Catwoman gave him a blank stare. “That’s like saying I have a telepathic control over cats because my name is Catwoman.”

Killer Croc gave her a look. “....You mean you don’t?”

Catwoman gave him a withering look, pinching the bridge of her nose. “No Jones. I don’t.”

Killer Croc’s brow raised in surprise “But they always do what you say!”

Catwoman pressed her lips together in a harsh line. “I have TRAINED cats ok? I don’t have a telepathic bond with all cats.”

Killer Croc pondered this for a moment, tapping a claw to his mouth. “...I see… So he doesn’t have telepathic control over spiders, he TRAINS spiders.”

The Mad Hatter spat out his tea, his brows furrowed as he looked up at Killer Croc incredulously, throwing up a gloved hand.  “How the BLOODY HELL would he train spiders?”

“I dunno.” Killer Croc shrugged “That’s why he’s the Spider dude and not me. Secret spider training knowledge.” 

Catwoman hissed, rubbing her forehead “He doesn’t have any trained Spiders either. That’s just dumb.”

Killer Croc put his hands on his hips indignantly. “Well FINE THEN. Well if he wakes up and starts shooting Spiders out of his eyeballs then DON’T COME CRYING TO ME.”

Poison Ivy sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose “Why did I agree to take you all along?”

“Spiders.” Killer Croc hissed, ignoring Poison Ivy as he pointed to his own eyes “Shooting straight outta his eyeballs”

There was a snort from their supposedly unconscious captive.

The villains all turned to where Spiderman was tied to the chair.

….

“Crap.” Spiderman sighed “I gave myself away.”

“Ah…” Poison Ivy smiled, her vines rising to curl eagerly around her, flicking like a cat’s tail about to pounce “Bug boy is awake.”

Killer Croc thundered across the room, picking up Spiderman and the chair together in one meaty hand. He roared in Spiderman’s face, his sharp teeth on full display. “WHERE'S THE GIRL SPIDER GUY?”

Spiderman winced at the shouting as spittle flew onto his mask. He gave Killer Croc an annoyed look. “Good god your breath smells like old fish, also careful there reptile dude-” Spiderman narrowed and then widened his eyes dramatically, wiggling his eyebrows up and down “-or I’ll shoot my eye spiders at you”

Killer Croc gasped, his eyes going wide, dropping Spiderman’s chair carelessly. He turned to the other villains. “SEE! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!”

“Ow.” Spiderman groaned, his hands pinned behind the back of the now toppled chair.

Poison Ivy extended her vines, one curling around a leg of the chair, dragging it along the floor for a moment before righting it. She leaned down into Spiderman’s space, her brows furrowed and her lips turned to a harsh frown.

“Now, Spiderboy-” Poison Ivy addressed her captive.

“SpiderMAN.” He corrected.

“Oh Whatever!” The vines sharpened around the hero, long cruel looking thorns growing along their sides. A thorn was pressed against Spiderman’s throat.

“Alright! Alright!” Spiderman gulped, his eyes wide “Spiderboy it is!”

Poison Ivy ignored him. Vines curled around Spiderman’s chair, raising the hero into the air, the thorns scratching deep grooves into the wood. Poison Ivy eyes darkened, her hands balled into angry fists. “Now I’m not going to ask again-”

She grabbed the front of Spiderman’s uniform “WHERE IS HARLEY QUINN?”  
  
  


 

Deadpool had his phone to his ear, pacing back and forth in his and Harley’s apartment. Harley and Two-face were on the couch, watching Deadpool pace back and forth.

“Hey this is Peter, sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m probably passed out after an all-nighter, leave a message (Beep)”

“Hey boo.” Deadpool ran a hand across his eyes, chewing his bottom lip nervously. “This is like the 10th message I’ve left you. There’s some shit about to go down baby boy. Harley’s Ex is bad news with a capital B, wrapped in a shitty dollar store clown costume, narcissistic personality disorder and nerve gas. All we know is that he’s somewhere in the city.” Deadpool leaned against the wall “Also what the fuck I’m worried about you! Answer your phone! Did you get kidnapped again? I swear you should get a punch card or something.”

Deadpool clicked the “End” button on his phone, rubbing the bridge of his nose anxiously. “I don’t like this.” He told the villain and former henchwoman currently sitting on his couch “I don’t like Harley’s Ex turning up and Spiderman disappearing at the same time.”

“If The Joker has him.” Harvey Dent mused, his finger to his lips “He’ll keep him alive in order to get what he wants.”

“Yeah.” Two-Face’s other personality growled, Big Bad Harv’s voice audibly lower than Harvey Dent’s “He doesn’t like it when the game ends too fast, not as much fun.”

“Oh god Wade.” Harley rubbed her forehead, her eyes starting to tear up “I’m so sorry. I never should have-”

Deadpool shook his head, he crossed the room and leaned down next to Harley. He put a hand under her chin, gently raising her head to look at him. “We’ve been over this baby girl, this isn’t your fault. We can get this asshole together.”

“Wade.” Harley swallowed, shaking her head “I ain’t myself when he’s around. It’s like… it’s like the strong independent lady that I am just melts away. He’s got this way over me, like he can just snap his fingers and I’ll do whatever he says.” Harley burst into a new round of tears, covering her mouth with a hand “God I’m so pathetic! I don’t know why I can’t just stand up to the bastard!”

Deadpool rubbed her arms gently before enveloping her in a hug, his head resting on top of hers. “It’s ok baby girl. Sometimes it’s just like that. It’s a defense mechanism, see your instincts are trying to keep you alive because they remember how he hurt you. It’s just your brain doing it’s best to keep you alive.”

Harley’s hands were shaking where they were bunched in Deadpool’s suit. She sniffed, her tears wetting the red spandex. “I don’t know how I’m gonna do this big bro. I really don’t.”

Deadpool leaned back to look at Harley, wiping the tears from her cheeks with a gloved hand. “I think I have an idea baby girl.” He pointed at Two-face “Hold down the fort you bi-colored bastard, me and Harley are going on a little road trip.”  
  
  


 

Victor Fries, also known as Mr.Freeze, was in the Lobby of the Gotham city bank. He knew this bank intimately from his many attempts to rob it. Commissioner Gordon next to him as a small army of police men and woman spread out bags of convenience store ice onto the marble floors. One particularly enterprising detective cracked an ice cube tray before tossing the little cubes randomly about the room.

Victor had the vague notion that he should be offended.

“Alright.” Commissioner Gordon unloaded his own bag of ice cubes “The owners of this bank have lent it to us for the day while they’re giving their employees a day off. The plan is to stage a robbery in order to lure the fake Batman in.”

Mr.Freeze nodded, he was allowed his cryo-suit but not his usual weaponry. He tested the fake freeze gun in his hands. It looked like The police ran out of time and simply put a blue flashlight in the end of a pringles can and then spray painted the whole thing silver. He sniffed the barrel of the “gun”.

Hmm. Sour cream and onions.

“So…” Mr.Freeze looked at Commissioner Gordon, his brow raised. “I simply allow this fake Batman to capture me?”

Commissioner Gordon sighed “Look The Creeper isn’t a bad kid but well…” He shrugged and threw up his hands “He’s a moron. Put on a good show, maybe draw it out for a bit, but let him capture you and make him feel like he’s done something, it keeps him out of everyone else’s hair.”

“Yeah.” Officer Rodriguez straightened up where she had been pouring a bag of ice onto the floor “More like keep him away from The Condiment King and his w-”

“RODRIGUEZ!” Commissioner Gordon warned.

Officers Rodriguez and Freeman both went back to unloading ice, snickering quietly to themselves.

Victor raised an eyebrow, he leaned down once again to sniff the barrel of the pringles gun. 

Commissioner Gordon rubbed the back of his neck “Yeah sorry this was all put together in a real hurry.”

Mr.Freeze looked around the lobby. “And what of minions? Usually I have minions.”

Commissioner Gordon turned to another officer “OFFICER DIAZ HOW ARE THOSE ACTORS COMING ALONG?”

Officer Diaz turned, his ear still to his cell phone “I think I have a line on some actors that are available…”

Commissioner Gordon gave him a thumbs up “Get them here as fast as you can!”

“Roger that!” Officer Diaz answered, hurriedly going back to their phone.

Another officer burst through the bank lobby, bundles of penguin plushies lodged under each arm, each toy squeaking gently as the officer jogged into the lobby “I found some more props!”

Victor closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, he raised a hand to rub the bridge of his eyes.

For Nora.

He’ll do it for Nora.  
  


 

 

Nick Fury stood up from where he was leaning over the hatch of the helicarrier, having just dropped Iron Man and Captain America to deal with the potential hostile. He dusted off his pants, the iris of the hatch closing.

Nick Fury touched the com in his ear “Fury to containment room, make sure we have a space set up for our guests when they arrive.”

Nick fury shook his head “Too many motherfuckers coming into my goddamn dimension with no goddamn respect.” He touched his comm line again “I’ll be heading to my control room to see how this unfolds, prepare a ground crew to be ready in case these chuckle fucks mess it up.”

“Roger.” An underling replied back.

The Joker grinned, waving off Nick Fury like a 1950s housewife “Well have fun sugar! I’ll be here if you need me! Yes sir! Being quiet as a mouse!”

Nick Fury gave him a look, his upper lip curled in disgust. “Oh no you’re fucking not, you’re staying with me so I can keep an eye on you.”

The Joker smiled, leaning back on a heel “Well you can’t exactly keep two eyes on me can you?”

Nick Fury growled, pointing an accusing finger “One more crack out of you and I’m strapping you to the top of the ship!”

“Ok ok!” The Joker acquiesced, his shoulders rounded and an exaggerated pout on his face “You’re OBVIOUSLY the boss here.”

“Damn fucking straight.” Nick Fury grumped.

Nick Fury escorted The Joker to a highly secured room, pressing his palm to a scanner before being let in.

The room was filled with monitors, all facing a chair in the center of the room. The monitors casting wild shadows across the room.

“Nice digs.” The Joker remarked, skipping past Fury to sit in the chair, kicking his feet back and making the chair turn back and forth “Has a crazy control freak kind of vibe.”

Nick Fury hissed, taking the Joker roughly by the scruff of his suit and picking the other man up. “Get your nasty clown ass out of my chair. He hooked Joker’s cuffs to the wall, the cuffs clicking into place. 

The Joker sighed, giving Nick Fury a kicked puppy kind of look “And here I thought we were becoming friends.”

“Shut up.” Nick Fury sat in the seat in the middle of the room, The Joker watching him as he made some adjustments, finding a camera where he could watch the fight below them.

The Joker sighed long-sufferingly “Whatever you say boss man. I’ll be over here-” The Joker maneuvered slightly so that the cuffs were behind his back. He pulled, one hand popping out of the false hand in his sleeve, the cuff wrapped firmly around the decoy. The Joker’s smile widened, the light from the monitors casting long deep shadows across his face “-Being as quiet as a mouse and as sweet as a choirboy.”  
  
  


 

Captain America had just enough time to raise his shield before Batman’s batarang hit him in the face. The sharpened Batman emblem was now embedded into his shield, the dark metal glinting in the light.

Steve Rogers blinked. 

Impressive, it pierced vibranium.

Batman soared across the gulf between him and Iron Man, dodging the volley of blasts from Iron Man’s repulsor beams, the energy weapon sending shocks of electric blue pulses across the rooftop, lighting the night like a shock of lightning before going dark again.

Captain America raised his shield in preparation for an attack.

“Nice shield.” Batman growled. He ducked low, kicking out a leg “But it doesn’t protect your ankles.” He swiped Captain America’s legs out from under him, making him falling back to the concrete of the roof, his shield still out in front of him.

Batman jumped onto Captain America’s shield, using it as a starting board to flip into the air, over Iron Man who was still shooting his repulsor beams, jamming another batarang into the neck of the Iron Man suit, wires sparking and lighting up the night in sporadic intervals. It lit Captain America rallying back to his feet, Iron Man throwing off Batman his suit sparking and jerking, Batman leaping away into the darkness.

Tony growled, yanking out the batarang “So you like to fight in the dark huh?” The Iron suit re-calibrated, tiny gears interlocking and releasing, the whirr of machinery damaged by Batman’s batarang. “I may have heat vision but I’ll do a favor for the technologically challenged among us.”

Captain America pulled the Batarang from his shield, crumpling it in his hand like paper. “Much obliged.”

“Then let’s light it up!” The back of the Iron Man suit opened up, four or so small drones released, floating up into the sky before lighting the rooftop like an arena.

Batman stood before them, the light from the drones sending long shadows across the roof.

“Interesting.” Batman smiled, the wind pulling slightly on his cape, casting wild fey shadows. He pulled something from his belt “But I also have a few tricks up my sleeve.  
  
  


 

Batgirl dodged Black Widow’s first punch, electricity sparking across the assassin’s gauntlets, but Batgirl wasn’t fast enough to dodge the mean right hook she followed up with. The punch hitting her squarely in the gut with a meaty thud. 

Batgirl rallied, blood from Black widow’s punch splattered against her teeth, she unhooked a batarang from her belt, looping the string around Black Widow’s wrist as the woman threw another punch. Batgirl held on to the end of the string, flipping over Black widow and pulling, yanking the other woman’s wrist back and slipping the gauntlet off her hand.

“Ha!” Batgirl grinned, twirling the gauntlet victoriously “I got your shit!”

Black Widow gave her a blank look, one eyebrow raised before taking a stun stick from her belt, the device snapping open and crackling with energy.

Batgirl frowned. “Well that’s not fair.”

Black Widow shrugged, flipping the stun stick in her hand deftly. “Thems the breaks kid.”

Black widow struck out with the device, Batgirl dodging deftly transitioning to a handstand, hooking her ankles around Black Widow’s wrist then twisting her body to throw the other woman over her.

Black Widow quickly hissed quickly regaining herself, hooking a leg over Batgirl and taking the young woman down with her as she fell to the ground. Black Widow hooked an arm around Batgirl’s neck, pulling her down and choking her. She took her electric stun stick in the other hand and jammed it into Batgirl’s side.

Batgirl screamed, she grit her teeth against the pain and threw the sharp part of her elbow back into Black Widow’s ribs.

Black Widow grunted, relenting just long enough for Batgirl to twist around and throw a mean punch to Black Widow’s Jaw. Black Widow headbutted her sharply, causing Batgirl to cry out and scramble away. 

Both women stood up, on either side of each other, their fists raised and hell in their eyes.

Black Widow felt warmth under her nose. She touched there experimentally and was surprised to find blood. She arched a brow at Batgirl. It had been a while since someone had been good enough to make her bleed. “Huh.”

“Yeah well.” Batgirl spat out some blood onto the concrete between them, clenching her fists “There's more where that came from bitch.”

  
  
  


Deadpool drove through the city in a car he “Borrowed” for the day, Harley in the seat next to him.

“So…” Harley looked over at Wade, Maskless but with a hoodie on over the rest of his uniform, his hood pulled low. “Where are we going?”

Wade adjusted his mirror, watching closely to see if they were being followed. “There’s a place out of town that’s safe, you can stay there while this blows over.”

Harley gave him a watery smile. “Thanks Wade...but what about you?”

Wade reached over to take her hand over the center console. “Next couple of items on the agenda are find Spider-Dork, and go kick your Ex’s ass” Wade looked at the road, reading the street signs “then we come back and finish our movie marathon, we still need to get through Mulan and Hercules before circling back around to the Lion King and The Frog Princess.”

Harley huffed out a laugh, squeezing Wade’s hand. “I wanna watch Frozen.”

“Oh my god.” Wade groused, though a grin was spreading across his face “Can you be more of a basic bitch?”

Harley snorted, leaning across the center console to rest her head on Wade’s shoulder “Hey fuck you bud, it’s a goddamn cinematic masterpiece.”

“If it’s not 2-D animated, it’s fucking trash and I don’t want it in my household.” Wade grumbled back reaching over to give Harley a side-hug as he drove.

“You can’t fool me.” Harley laughed “I saw ‘I see the light’ from Tangled on your Ipod’s most played track you can’t fool me.”

Wade gasped and put a hand to his chest “I came out to have a good time, and I’m feeling so attacked right now.” He rose a fist “Can’t a man spend hours daydreaming about him and Spiderman on a boat in PEACE anymore these days?”

Harley snorted, turning her face into his shoulder. “I knew it. I gotcha alllll figured out mistah D.”

“Yeah yeah.” Wade looked down at her fondly. “You really do.”

The skyscrapers thinned as they drove farther out of the cities and into the suburbs. Harley looked out the window, watching all the charming family homes go by. “

Wade pulled into a driveway of a cream colored house. There was a garden lining the front, a picket fence and toys littering the front yard.

Harley frowned at a bicycle was was toppled over in the grass. “Wade, are you sure we’re at the right place?”

Wade stepped out of the car, making sure his hood was pulled low in case any of the neighbors were watching, putting his hands quickly into his pockets. “No this is the right place. My friend lives here, you’ll be safe.”

Harley stepped out of the car, her hands in the pocket of her own hoodie, looking around the neighborhood curiously. “Who’s your friend?”

Wade grinned at her, reaching back to take her hand as he led her to the front door. “You’ll see!”

Wade and Harley stood on the front stoop, moths circling lazily around the light over the porch, the last dregs of the afternoon shining over the houses and sending shocks of orange pink light through the gaps between houses.

Wade pressed the doorbell, leaning back to bounce a bit on the balls of his feet.

Harley gave him a look. “Wade? Are you nervous?”

He nodded.

Harley’s brows furrowed “Why?”

The door opened, light from inside the house shining on both anti-heros.

A little girl stood in the doorway, her curley hair parted into fluffy pigtails. She was holding a nerf gun. Looking up at Wade a large gap-toothed smile spread across her face.

“Daddy!” She ran forward, wrapping her arms around Deadpool’s middle, her face mushed into his hoodie “I missed you!”

Wade smiled, leaning down to hug her back. “Hey baby girl, I missed you too.”

  
  
  
  


Batman and Iron Man traded blows, matching punch for punch. While Iron Man had more strength, Batman quickly assessed and hit each weak point in the Iron Man armor. Batman jammed a batarang into the seam of the chest plate and pulling visciously, severing what looked like important wiring.

“Main power couplet has been disrupted.” Jarvis warned, diagrams highlighting the damage pulsating inside the Iron Man mask.

Tony Stark growled. “I’m getting sick of this guy knowing where all the-” He noticed a certain sheen to the eyes around Batman’s cowl. “Wait a fucking second-” Tony grunted as he continued to match Batman’s blows, the bat-themed hero was also matching the blows that Captain America reigned on him, dodging and weaving expertly.

“Jarvis.” Tony demanded “Tell me what kind of gear this guy is packing” The Iron Man scanners raked over Batman as he continued to fight.

“Cowl contains onboard computer, heat vision, night vision, sonic array, microphone, rebreather, sonar device-” Jarvis droned on in the background, the list of gadgets and weaponry next to the holographic readout of Batman growing “Gloves contain pnumatic mangler, taser finger tips, climbing claws-”

“Well shit.” Iron Man remarked, grabbing a hold of one of Batman’s boots by the heel as he kicked at Iron Man’s head, managing to stop Batman’s assault for the moment “You’re like a fucking swiss army knife and the boy scouts of America all rolled into one aren’t cha?”

Batman smirked “Always be prepared.”

“Rocket boots.” Jarvis chirped, continuing to list out Batman’s gadgets.

Tony had only a moment to be surprised before Batman engaged the propulsion system on his boots, fire blasting into Iron Man’s face and superheating the metal, forcing him to release his grip.

“Alright you know what?” Tony hissed in a breath, the air inside the helmet sweltering and the metal glowing. “I’m getting real sick of you” Iron Man countered a released a small heat-seeking rocket towards him, the mini-missile streaking out of one of Tony’s shoulder comaprtments.

“Electrified throwing weapons, remote control throwing weapons, throwing weapons containing nets.” Jarvis continued to list out “Heated throwing weapons.”

Batman pulled a batarang from his pouch, flipping a switch in the center of the device making it glow red with the heat, he threw it to the side, the miniature missile following it.

Captain America saw an opening, wrapping Batman in a bear-hug type stranglehold and lifting him off the ground, squeezing hard enough to crack a normal man’s ribs. The armor on Batman’s suit squeaking and beginning to crack, Batman groaned with the pressure, gasping in a desperate breath.

“Hold him cap!” Iron man instructed, unhookinh what looked to be a pair of futuristic cuffs from a compartment in the Iron man suit. “Alright you annoying, flippy, rodent themed bastard-” Iron man addressed Batman, pointing an accusing finger and coming closer with the cuffs. “We’re taking you to Shield and that’s that!”

Batman struggled in Captain America’s grip, his teeth gritted against the pain. “Not out of tricks-” Batman huffed “YET.”

Batman, slammed his head back into Captain america’s jaw, giving him just enough leeway to escape as he slammed a magnetic batarang to Captain America’s shield.The little bat beeping before a shock of energy spreading across the metal, turning the disk into a powerful electromagnet.

“FUCK!” Iron Man was drawn to Captain America, the electromagnet pulling him across the rooftop, his shoulder smacking roughly to the shield.

“DAMMIT!” Tony switched a few functions on the inside of his helmet “Jarvis! Create an opposite electromagnetic charge please!”

“Yes sir.” Jarvis assented. “Creating electromagnetic burst.

Captain America’s eyes widened “What? No!”

The shockwave from Jarvis tore the two apart, sending Iron Man hurtling towards the concrete of the roof and Captain America over the ledge with a yelp.

“CAP!” Iron Man engaged his propulsion canons, jumping off the rooftop, diving towards where Captain America was falling and-

A batarang cut through the night, ensnaring itself around Captain America’s ankle and stopping his descent.

Iron Man was shocked, he looked back at Captain America, upside-down in front of him, his eyes trailing upwards, from the batarang, to the rope, all the way to the top of the building where Batman held the other end, straining to keep Captain America from falling.

Captain America blinked, spinning slowly in a circle where he was suspended “Hey Tony?”

“Yeah?” 

Captain America’s brows were furrowed “I don’t think this guy is a villain.”  
  
  


 

Nick Fury raised a brow in his control room.

“Did you hear us?” Iron man spoke into his own com line, looking up at where Nick fury was watching “This guy isn’t a villain!”

Nick Fury rolled his eyes “I don’t give a crap! You can get him up here and we ca-”

Nick fury screamed, electricity crackling across his skin before he suddenly went limp, crashing forward  onto the monitors before sliding down limply to the floor.

The Joker was behind him, taser in hand, a sharp grin on his face. A pair of false hands hung in the cuffs that were still hanging from the wall.

“Nick?” Iron man was more insistent in the com line “Nick are you there?”

The Joker plucked the comm link from an unconscious Fury’s face. He held the little device to his lips, his smile growing wider and more cruel. “Well hello there Georgie.” He purred “Nicky can’t come to the phone right now.”

Iron man paled. “Crap.”

“I’ll be borrowing this!” The Joker giggled, his shoulders quaking with mirth as he clicked off the com link.

“Fuck!” Iron man looked up at the helicarrier, his eyes wide behind his mask, he turned to Captain America “I told you that clown was fucking evil!”  
  
  


 

The Joker put Fury’s comm line in his own ear, humming as he went. “Yo ho, yo ho-” He pulled Nick Fury’s eyepatch off his head, snapping the elastic. He pushed Fury out of the way, sitting in the seat of the control booth “A pirate’s life for me.”

The Joker touched the controls, toggling through the settings, zooming in on where Iron Man, Captain America, and Batman had been fighting. The heroes glaring up at where the helicarrier was in the sky, utter dismay on their faces.

The Joker squared his shoulders, his mouth pulled into a frown. “MOTHER FUCKER” He growled, a perfect mockery of Nick Fury’s voice.

“Oh hoo hoo!” The Joker giggled and clapped “Won’t this one be fun!”

  
  
  


“ALRIGHT ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” What sounded like Nick Fury’s voice boomed through every Shield agent’s comm line. “WE HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING SITUATION. ENEMY HOSTILES HAVE HYPNOTIZED IRON MAN and CAPTAIN AMERICA!”

The agents gave each other a wide-eyed look, scared by the notion of a suddenly hostile Avengers force.

“DON’T LISTEN TO A GODDAMN WORD THEY SAY. THEY ARE TO BE CONSIDERED HOSTILES FROM HERE ON OUT!”

“NOW.” The Joker growled out in Nick Fury’s voice, leaning back in his chair, resting his feet against an unconscious Fury’s back, Fury’s eye-patch around his head “FIND THE GIRL AND BRING HER HERE! IT’S ABOUT THE ONLY CHANCE WE HAVE TO GET THEM UN-FUCKING-HYPNOTIZED! MOVE OUT!”  
  
  


 

 

Wade hugged his daughter, both of them awash in the light streaming from inside the house.

Harley stood off to the side, stepping out of the light from the doorway, wringing her hands nervously.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” the little girl grinned, looking up at Wade her brown eyes full of mirth “We were just going to have a nerf battle! You can be on my team!”

“No fair!” A little boy ran through the front entryway, a pout on his face and a blanket tied around his shoulders “You can’t have Deadpool on your nerf gun team! That’s not fair!”

Ellie turned back to him a sour look on her face, sticking her tongue out of her mouth “CAN TOO! HE’S MY DAD SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT JEFFRY!”

Jeff put his hands on his hips “MOOOOM!” He called at the top of his lungs “ELLIE IS CHEATING!”

Ellie stamped a little foot “AM NOT!”

Jeffry pointed a finger at Ellie “If you get your assassin dad then I get my robot mom! She’ll kick his butt!”

“BRING IT ON LAME-O!” Ellie yelled, her tiny fists to her hips.

A curvaceous black woman walked into the foyer. “Whoa! Whoa! Nobody is kicking anyone’s butt!”

“But mom!” Jeffry hugged her legs “You gotta beat up Mr.Deadpool, you gotta!”

She looked up at where Wade was still awkwardly in the doorway. “Wade!”

Wade waved awkwardly “Hey Preston.”

Preston crossed over to Wade, wrapping her arms around him in a hug, a smile on her face “You could have visited sooner you asshole!” She chastised him without any real heat behind her words. She put a hand to his head fondly “Now I really do gotta beat you up!”

Wade snorted.

Ellie peered over to where Harley was still standing awkwardly off to the side, watching the scene unfold with an unreadable look on her face. She gave a small lopsided smile and a wave when she noticed Ellie looking at her.

“Ellie-” Wade reached over and took Harley’s hand, pulling her into the light “This is my sister, Harley.”

“Hey kiddo.” Harley smiled gently “I like your pigtails”

Ellie grinned up at her, tugging one pigtail a bit self-consciously a pleased blush on her cheeks. “I like your pigtails too!”

Preston gave Harley a kind look. “It’s nice to meet you.” she turned to glare at Wade “Wade. We need to talk.”  
  
  


 

Harley was laying down in Preston’s living room. Jeff and Ellie on either side of her and a bowl of popcorn half-eaten in front of them as “The princess and the frog” played on screen. Jeff was already asleep, his face mashed into his pillow and a hand still full of buttery popcorn.

Deadpool and Preston were in the kitchen arguing, their hushed voices carrying over the noise from the screen.

“Wade!” Emily Preston chastised “It’s already hard enough hiding your daughter!”

“Em please!” Wade countered “It’s just for the night before I can track down the clown and get rid of him.”

“Wade.” Preston hissed “You promised me, you promised YOUR DAUGHTER that you were done with the killing!”

“Preston please you’re a good friend but don’t start with this! We think he has Spidey and he’s after her too!” Wade sighed “Is there any way that shield can-”

“Something fucked up is going on at Shield.” Emily whispered “I don’t know what it but Fury has called an all out war against Iron Man and Captain America.”

“Fuck do you think t-”

“Hey.” Ellie poked Harley in the ribs. The little girl was chewing through a handful of popcorn. “So you’re my aunt huh?”

Harley turned back towards the little girl, there was just something about her mannerisms that screamed “WADE” and Harley found it comforting. “Sure thing pip squeak!” Harley chirped.

Ellie raised an eyebrow “He never told me about you before.”

Harley shrugged, trying to ignore the low tones of Deadpool and Preston arguing from the kitchen. She smiled sadly. “Your dad is a good guy and helped me out of a big mess, we became good friends aftah and we both kinda decided that we would adopt each other.”

Ellie smiled. “Nice! I always wanted an aunt! Though I think Preston already counts as a robo-aunt so-”

Harley snorted “She seems like a good lady…” She looked over at where Jeff was sleeping next to her, the little boy snoring lightly. Harley’s smile fell. “Shit I shouldn’t be here.” Harley rubbed her eyes “I’m just putting all of ya in danger.”

“Eh.” Ellie shrugged, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth “Danger comes with the whole gig.”

Harley snorted “You’re just like your dad you know that?”

Ellie grinned “Thanks!” She looked at Harley curiously “So do you have any kids?”

Harley’s smile fell again. She looked down, chipping a bit of red nail polish off a thumbnail. “I do but uh…” She coughed “Lucy is better without me.”

A tiny hand slapped Harley’s shoulder “Oh bullshit!” Ellie countered.

“Imma tell mom you swore.” Jeffry murmured, still half asleep.

Ellie rolled her eyes “Even in his sleep he’s a NARC.” She turned back to Harley. “Lady all that junk about people being better off without you is bull!” Ellie’s brows furrowed, looking back to the screen. “Dad used to say the same thing about me knowing him….”

Ellie slumped forward, a frown on her lips. “I’m glad I know my dad! He’s funny and makes good pancakes and loves me a lot and it hurts when he thinks he’s so terrible that he has to quarantine himself off from everyone!” Ellie bit her bottom lip “I know that sometimes his brain is mean to him, but he’s really trying to be someone better, and I really appreciate how far he’s come. I want to live with him when he gets his head all back together.”

Tears were running down Harley’s face. She pressed her hands to her mouth to stifle a sob.

Ellie’s eyes went wide “Oh crap! Don’t cry miss clown lady! What did I say wrong?”

Harley shook her head, laughter starting to bubble up through her sobs “Do ya really mean that Ellie? Are you really grateful that you know him? Even if he’s still a little messed up?”

Ellie smiled “Yeah. I mean it. I really, really mean it.”

“Alright Harley.” Wade came into the living room, Preston close behind him.

“We’ve talked it over and you can stay, but only for a night or two.” Preston continued. Her brows furrowed. “it’s not safe for either of you out there right now. Shield has put out warrants for both of you.”

“Wade.” Harley shakily stood up from where she had been lying in the blanket fort, tear tracks still on her face, a steely look in her eyes “We’re going back.”

Wade threw up his hands “What! Baby girl you can’t go back there!”

“I’m going back there.” Harley’s lips were pressed into a harsh line. “I’m going back to kick his fucking face in.” Her hands were shaking as they balled up into fists at her sides “I’m going to kick his face in and then I’m going back for Lucy. I’m going back for my daughter.”

Wade’s eyes widened.

Harley looked back at him, her breathing shaking with adrenaline. “I think I’m going to need my big brother on this one.”

Wade grinned, his eyes glinting in the light from the TV. “Then let’s go clown hunting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I always enjoy comments! 
> 
> Sorry I ran out of time to make this chapter the big finale!
> 
> Thanks to Madammina for giving me the idea about Mr.Freeze ;3


	7. Epic grand finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have the thrilling conclusion! Fights! Explosions! Testy speakerphone calls! We got it all folks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for canon-typical violence and Macklemore.
> 
> Anywho I hope you guys like!!!!

Mister Freeze stood awkwardly in the bank lobby, the fake cryo-gun in his hands felt too-light and wrong, the Pringles can the counterfeit gun was fashioned from reeking of sour cream and onion chip flavoring.

Police detectives were still rushing in and out as they prepared for the fake bank robbery. Some were pouring bags of ice onto the floor, others were on the phone coordinating for actual civilians to be cleared from the surrounding area or warning local businesses. One detective was artfully arranging penguin plushies he had found as props for the fake robbery Fries was to commit. Another officer was currently coaching some last-minute actors cast to play Doctor Fries’s minions.

One of said actors was a man wearing a pair of puffy pantaloons, a prop sword, and an oversized hat with an opulent ostrich feather. He was currently leading a pack of similarly dressed actors and actresses who were huddled in the bank lobby like a flock of odd birds. He stroked his goatee as he listened intently to the officer. “Yes…” The man drawled out dramatically. “But what is our MOTIVATION?”

“Uh…” The officer turned to Doctor Fries “Motivation?”

“Money.” Fries answered back automatically, His voice monotone and face unnervingly expressionless. “You’re doing this for money and for me to not kill you.”

There was a silent moment as the detective sweated uneasily and the actor processed this, stroking their goatee thoughtfully.

“VERY GOOD!” The actor smacked a gloved fist into a palm. “FOR MONEY AND A FORESTALLING OF DEATH!” The actor turned back to the detective, a hopeful look on his face “You don’t suppose there will be any musical numbers do you?” He struck a pose and belted out in an impressive baritone “~BECAUSE I AM A GREAT SINGER! TRA LA LA!~”

Fries screamed inwardly, his grip becoming so tight for a moment that he dented his cardboard gun. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.

For Nora.

He’ll do it for Nora.

  


Two-Face sat alone in Deadpool and Harley Quinn’s apartment. Deadpool had taken Harley to a safe house while The Joker was loose in the city.

This gave him plenty of time for what he was about to do.

Or well… at least try to do.

He sat at the banged up kitchen table, staring out the window as the sun set over the city, painting the skyscrapers in pink and orange light, the last dregs of the sunset landing warmly across Two-Face’s bisected visage.

Deadpool’s words were still bouncing around in his skull.

“Well maybe he can decide to be good too”

From the beginning of when Two-face had become, well, Two-Face, since they had their incident-

Their hands clenched angrily on the table for a moment.

-when they had their incident, being disfigured with acid across half their face and body, the alternate personality that Harvey Dent, once Gotham’s most respected district attorney, had repressed since childhood had come to the surface. Big Bad Harv was that alternate personality, a result of an unhappy childhood with an abusive father, Harvey had always wanted someone on his side who was meaner than his father, someone who could fight back, someone who embodied all the rage the little Harvey Dent felt and couldn’t express.

That became Big Bad Harv.

“You need me.” Big bad Harv growled, he cocked their head, shadows falling across the scarred half of their face, their yellow damaged eye bright in the darkness. “You need me to do all the crap you’re too chicken shit to do.”

“Fuck you. I need you like I need a bullet to the head.” Harvey hissed back, rubbing a hand across an unscarred temple. “You ruined my goddamn life.”

“You needed me when our old man was being a bastard.” Big bad Harv reasoned “You’re too goddamn soft.” He shrugged.

“You’re ruthless and evil.” Harvey hissed back.

“I’m pragmatic.” Big bad Harv rolled their eyes “We got even didn’t we? Guns work much better than your stupid _law_ ever did. Now when I’m in charge if we want something-” He clenched his fist “-we have it! Someone’s a problem?” Big bad Harv made a gun with his fingers and grinned as he mimed shooting at the wall “We take care of it!” he growled.

Big Bad Harv rolled their eyes. “So from where I sees it, I’m the one who don’t need YOU.” he waved one of their hands flippantly “You just get in the way, always have, always will.”

“Oh please.” Harvey huffed, pulling their lips into a sneer “You never think anything through, you just let your anger control your decisions. There was a reason I was in charge you stupid shit!”

Harvey stared down at their coin for a long moment, the silver glinting gold in the light of the sunset.“I had everything!” Harvey yelled, shaking his head “I had a fiance, I had a career, I was respected, I was moving up and YOU-”

Their hands clenched, their shoulders squaring angrily. “-YOU RUINED IT!” Harvey screamed into the empty apartment. “YOU FUCKING RUINED IT! JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!”

“NO I-” Big Bad Harv put a hand to their chest “TOOK CARE OF IT! I CAME OUT WHEN YOU WERE WEAK AND I TOOK CARE OF IT!” He sneered.

Harvey was silent for a moment, tears beading in their eyes.

Big bad Harv sighed “...Look didn’t I say I was gonna take care of us when we were kids?... What was I supposed to do? We were laid low... burns across half of us... our career in the toilet and Gracie-” He frowned, their eyes going sad and their shoulders slumping “-The way Gracie looked at us…” He remembered the way their fiance Grace looked at him in the hospital, eyes wide and brimming with tears when she saw the scars. He turned away. “She deserved better than us…”

“Oh don’t bring Gracie into this you fucker! Don’t say her name like you gave a shit about her!” Harvey hissed and shook their head, their hands clenching where they laid on the table. “I NEVER ASKED YOU TO TAKE OVER!”

“HEY!” Big Bad Harv snapped back, slamming a fist against the table. “I LOVED HER TOO!”

Harvey shook his head, his lips pulled into a harsh line.

“BESIDES! YOU MADE ME TO PROTECT YOU!” Big Bad Harv snarled “TO BE MEANER THAN THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO HURT US.” He was breathing heavily, their coiffed hair coming undone and falling in their face. “That’s what you made me to fucking do and I did it.” He grinned, wide and manic. “And isn’t it fucking great to be the man on top? The guy doing the hurting instead of being hurt?”

Harvey sneered. “You’re _vile_.”

“I’m _you”_ Big Bad Harv answered back, a humorless laugh under their breath “All the shitty parts of yourself condensed into one convenient package”

There was a silence after that. Both halves of the same man contemplating the situation, the light of the sunset beginning to dim and sending long shadows into the room.

They sighed.

“The coin isn’t working anymore.” Harvey looked down at the silver coin in their hands glumly.

“...I know.” Big bad Harv answered back, agreeing almost reluctantly, so used to being contrary to everything Harvey tried to do that even agreeing felt like a concession.

“Then what are we going to do about that?” Harvey whispered.

“We could fight again.” Big Bad Harv mused. “Just me and you like it was when we first became US…. before we came to the stalemate and had to use the coin in the first place.”He grinned slow and wide “Let's decide once and for all who gets to make the rules.”

“Even if I win…” Harvey frowned “I can’t get rid of you, I repressed you for all those years but you were never really gone.”

Big Bad Harv huffed, their shoulders falling and a resigned look coming across their face “Guess that means I can’t get rid of you either.”

Harvey sighed. “Look let’s…What did Harley call it?” he looked up for a moment, trying to remember the phrase “...Let’s renegotiate… our relationship with existence?”

Big Bad Harv arched one of their brows “I’m listening.”

Harvey shrugged, putting a hand out in a conciliatory way “I can’t get rid of you, and you can’t get rid of me.” He reasoned “And the coin isn’t working, not when it’s hijacked or when there ALWAYS has to be an alternate option, even when it works against both of our self interests.”

“So the fuck are you suggesting?” Big Bad Harv crossed their arms. “A fucking roulette wheel? Alternating weekdays to control the body? A fucking dart board? What?”

Harvey rolled their eyes “No. I’m saying that we don’t always have to be in contention! There doesn’t have to always be an opposite option! There HAVE to be things we agree on!” Harvey put an elbow onto the table and rubbed their temple. “Or things we can...compromise on.”

Big Bad Harv huffed out a laugh. “Compromise huh? Really?”

“Oh come ON!” Harvey growled, throwing up their hands. “I’m TRYING to work out a SOLUTION here!”

Harvey put both elbows on the table and clasped their hands together, tapping their knuckles to their lips thoughtfully. He tried to think back to his time as a lawyer, surely there was a way to litigate this... “There has to be common ground if we take time and work it out.”

Big Bad Harv groaned. “This already sounds BORING.”

Harvey put a hand to their chest. “I for one want to make sure that Harley makes it out of this in one piece.”

Big Bad Harv shrugged, crossing their arms “And I want to put a bullet in Joker’s skull for all the shit he’s pulled.”

Harvey smiled, slow and wide. “I think….those don’t have to be mutually exclusive.” he tapped a finger across their lips. “Revenge on the Joker...protecting Harley...two birds…”

“One stone…” Big bad Harv answered back, sharing the smile on their face “So...both then?”

Harvey and Big Bad Harv nodded their head together, laughter bubbling up from their chest. “Both.”

  


Batman pulled Captain America back onto the roof, a somewhat subdued Iron Man following his ascent.

Captain America was able to bend and take a hold of the rope attached to the batarang, pulling himself up the last few feet. He rolled onto the roof and gave the Batman a bit of a sheepish look.

“So uh…” Captain Rogers winced “I’m guessing you’re not the villain here.”

“No.” Batman agreed placidly, like a kindergarten teacher who knew the answer and was patiently waiting for the rest of the class to catch up. He watched Captain America kick off the Batarang, hopping awkwardly on one foot for a moment before it came free. “I’m not.” He tapped something on one of his bracers, a small holographic screen coming to life showing The Joker’s mugshot, the insane criminal grinning maniacally out from the image “I’m in this dimension looking for a criminal we call The Joker as well as a few others.” He was about to scroll through the rest of the villains who he knew to be in this dimension when-

“HA!” Iron Man floated up from the edge of the building, the smugness in his voice evident even as it was filtered through the Iron Man mask. “I KNEW IT!”

Captain Rogers rubbed his temples. “You’re never going to let this one go, are you?”

Iron Man had a shit-eating grin under the Iron Man mask as he flew over to Captain America, pointing two finger guns at the exasperated man as he floated gently downwards “I said the clown was evil! I knew it! I KNEW it!”

Batman turned to Iron Man “So you know where he is?”

Captain America nodded “He is in Shield custody.”

Iron Man groaned “Or he was until a couple of moments ago.”

Captain America turned to face him “What?”

Iron Man pointed up at where the helicarrier was approximately “When you fell off the roof like a moron, the clown thing answered Fury’s com line.”

Captain Rogers paled. “...crap.” he whispered quietly.

“What is Shield and who is Fury?” Batman asked, looking up at where Iron Man had pointed.

“Shield stands for Strategic homeland intervention enforcement and logistics division.” Captain America answered back automatically “They’re basically the arm of the government who deals with things like…” He shrugged “Well, like us. It was their helicarrier that dropped us off.”

Batman nodded. “So I’m guessing that this Fury was an agent that you trusted the Joker to. The Joker must have broken free and is now hiding on that ship.”

“It’s worse than that.” Iron Man huffed “Fury was the DIRECTOR of the agency. If he has Fury….”

“Then he potentially has control of the airship and whatever combat capabilities it might have.” Batman’s shoulders sagged for a moment. “Great.”

Captain America and Iron Man reacted to a chime from their communicators, both heroes looking down for a moment as they read the giant red block letters on the screen.

“Aaaaand…” Iron Man sighed “There is now a warrant from Shield out for all of our arrests.” he pointed a finger at Batman “You too rodent guy.”

Captain America sighed “Great.”

Batman hummed, his looking up at where the scanners in his cowl pinpointed the helicarrier to be “I suggest regrouping so we can plan out our next steps and for a more thorough briefing.”

Captain America nodded back “Right.”

The group turned to where Batgirl and Black Widow were still furiously duking it out on the rooftop behind them.

Natasha currently had Batgirl in a headlock. She looked at the three of them, a long cut on her cheek from one of Batgirl’s Batarangs bleeding sluggishly. “What?” She asked breathlessly, looking at how the three of them stood, obviously not fighting anymore. “Change of plans?”

Batgirl used the distraction to jam an elbow into Black Widow’s side, flipping the other woman over her shoulder in what looked like a vicious wrestling-style pile-driver. She had her elbow out, about to slam into the assassin with her full weight and-

“Stand down.” Batman ordered.

Iron Man raised a hand flippantly “We stopped fighting a couple of minutes ago.”

Batgirl shrugged, motioning to Black Widow, her breath coming out in harsh pants. “Yeah I know... but what...you think I’ll just let her win?”

Natasha kicked out at Batgirl’s ankles, tripping the other woman and making her fall onto the roof with a yelp.

Natasha picked herself up and dusted off her uniform, wiping the blood from her cheek. “Come on. I have a helicopter nearby.” She reached down and offered Batgirl a hand, the other woman allowing herself to be helped back to her feet.

“Alright fine.” Batgirl sighed, following the other woman as she jumped across a rooftop, Iron Man, Captain America and Batman following. “I’m calling this one a draw.”

Natasha gave her an appraising look. “You lack a certain finesse, but you have great footwork and a robust and efficient mix of styles.”

“Thanks!” Batgirl answered as the mismatched troupe of heroes followed Natasha to where she had apparently stashed a helicopter. “Where did you learn that flippy thing?” She motioned roughly with her hands “With the- and the- yanno?”

“Secret Russian super soldier program.” Natasha answered back conversationally. She looked back at Batgirl momentarily. “And where were you trained?”

“Uh…” Batgirl shrugged “By my dad, he’s a cop.” She pointed a thumb at Batman “By this guy sometimes too.”

Natasha nodded. They came to what looked like a pigeon coop on the rooftop. Natasha pressed a button on her keys and the entire coop moved upwards on mechanical lifts, a large seemingly empty space exposed within. A platform from within the space raised up until it was level with the roof, a helicopter perched there as if it was a perfectly innocent thing to have helicopters stashed under pigeon coops in the middle of the city.

Iron Man snorted. “Hey Natasha, usually I’m a big fan of your ideas... but how the hell do you think that the Shield agents looking for us won’t notice a giant helicopter?

Natasha pressed another button on the remote control that had opened up the secret hiding place. The paint of the helicopter shifted for a moment, changing into a green camouflage, then again until it sported large yellow “FBI” letters on the door, then the seal of The President of The United States, then the red and white of a hospital helicopter.

Captain America gave her a look. “Ok for right now I’m going to choose to not ask you why you have this and why it can camouflage into one of the official white house air force one helicopters, but we’re going to have a TALK later.”

Batgirl whistled. “Wow.” She pointed at the entire set up and looked at Batman. “This is a good idea we should stash stuff around our own city.”

Batman walked past her towards the helicopter. “What makes you think I don’t?”

Batgirl paused for a moment, her eyes widening with realization. “...What kind of stuff? Also can I use it?”

“Weapons and vehicles.” Batman answered back, climbing into the cab of the helicopter after Black Widow. “Also no.” He leaned back out of the helicopter for a moment to glare at her “Get your own hiding places.”

Batgirl rolled her eyes.

Natasha climbed into the pilot’s seat, Batman and Batgirl sitting on one side of the cabin and Iron Man and Captain America on the other. Captain America buckled his seat belt because of course he did. He’s America’s boy scout and a shining example to the youth.

“Alright” Natasha whispered under her breath as she turned on the helicopter’s onboard computer and engaged the engines. “Shield has a warrant out for all of us. And are probably dispatching teams of agents as we speak.”

Captain America nodded and turned to Batman and Batgirl. “We’ll have to brief you too on the way up there then”

Batman opened his mouth to speak and-

“FIRST QUESTION!” Batgirl held up a finger and leaned forward. “Who the fuck….” She pulled up the scratched touchpad from the original crime scene. A video of Deadpool cheerily carrying Harley out of the alley. Batgirl tapped the red and black suited man. “...is ladybug guy over here?”  


 

Spiderman was currently being held captive and questioned by four weirdos who were walking copyright infringements of his own villains. The plant lady at least was a _lady_ version of Plant man, which was ALMOST original. The giant reptile thing was like a dumb version of Doc Connors as The Lizard. The lady in the black leather and the cat mask was like Black cat without all the white accents on her costume, and the British guy…

Well the British guy’s get up was the least original of all. Going around as a storybook character? That was a dumb concept and he should be ashamed. As a matter of fact as soon as Spiderman was untied from this chair he is going to demand that the little weirdo go home and change before he tries to fight him again.

What’s next? Evil versions of Disney princesses?

Spiderman was half contemplating what it would be like to fight a troupe of evil Disney princesses (he can’t punch Moana she’s his favorite!) when a sharp thorn was pressed threateningly to the soft underside of his jaw.

“WELL?” The plant lady screamed in his face, her plant tendrils holding the chair he was tied to aloft, the thorns on the vines lengthening to lethal points. “WHERE IS SHE?”

Oh yeah Spiderman forgot that plant lady was threatening to kill him and stuff.

“ALRIGHT FIRST OF ALL?” Spiderman glared back at her. “WHAT IS IT WITH ALL OF YOU AND YELLING IN MY FACE? I’M NOT DEAF SO USE YOUR INDOOR SPEAKING VOICES!” Spiderman cocked his head to the side, hopefully conveying just now NOT IMPRESSED he was with the whole situation.

“Second of all!” He continued “Who are you? What do you want with Harley?” She shrugged his shoulders “If you’re trying to hurt her then TOUGH FUCKING LUCK GETTING ANY INFO OUT OF ME. She may not be my favorite person in the world but I’m not going to deliver her into the hands of-”

Ivy’s eyes widened “So you have seen her!” The vines Ivy was controlling whipped wildly with her emotions, Spiderman being inadvertently flung this way and that as Ivy fretted and bit her thumbnail. “How was she? Was she hurt? Is she eating alright?”

Spiderman was lurched this way and that. “SHE’S-” He was flung from side-to-side and upside-down in a nauseating motion “-FINE! PLEASE PUT ME BACK DOWN!”

Ivy set his chair down gently. Spiderman’s vision swimming for a moment before he gathered himself enough to speak. “She’s fine. Peachy. She’s a friend of a friend and last I saw of her she was helping fight crime in the city.”

Killer Croc snapped his fingers and pointed at Spiderman “The Pooldead guy.”

Spiderman gave him a look. “...You mean Deadpool?"

“I still think the name is stupid.” Catwoman mused, turning to Killer Croc. “What is he supposed to be? A pool full of death?”

Spiderman gave her a withering look. “Oh you think it’s a dumb name? Says CATWOMAN.”

Catwoman gave him a condescending look back. “Critiquing my name choice? Pretty strong words coming from a guy called SPIDERMAN.”

Spiderman opened his mouth to protest but paused. “...Alright touche.” He shook his head. “Look, how do you know Harley and why do you want to get in touch with her?”

Killer Croc put his clawed finger tips together. “We uh… We’re friends with her. She was taken from our dimension and we’re pretty worried.”

Spiderman’s eyes widened “She’s from another DIMENSION?” She looked away and shrugged “Huh that’s actually pretty cool.” He turned back to the ragtag group. “So you guys must be like...alternate universe versions of my villains.” His eyes widened “Wait does that make Harley Alternate Deadpool?” His eyes narrowed again “No wait there already is a lady Deadpool…”

“Oh shit…” Killer Croc whispered to himself, a horrified look crossing his scaly face “First I gotta fucking smart version of me runnin’ ‘round, but what if I gotta _lady_ version out there too?”

“Oh please.” Catwoman cocked a hip and crossed her arms. “Like I said, original concept here.”

Ivy took out the touch screen Catwoman had given her, pulling up the video of Deadpool carrying a severely battered Harley out of the alley. “Look this is what we last saw of her ok? We just want to know that she’s alright.”

Spiderman watched the video, his shoulders slumping. “Alright look, give me back my phone and I’ll call them alright? If you guys are really her friends, and if she wants to see you, I’ll arrange a meeting.”

Ivy bit her lip, thinking it over for a moment before her shoulders slumped. “Alright…” She pointed at him furiously, her vines sharpening again. “IF YOU CALL THE COPS OR-”

“No cops!” Spiderman put his hands up as best as he could with the restraints in the way. “If she wants to see you, I’ll take you to her, ok? But for her safety I have to be careful that you guys aren’t stalkers or something.”

Killer Croc shrugged. “Eh. I get that. I mean imagine if The Joker did what we did to get to her.”

The four villains shared an uneasy look amongst themselves.

“Alright.” Ivy motioned to Catwoman who pulled Spiderman’s phone out of her pocket. She used a vine to untie one of Spiderman’s hands and passed him the phone. “No funny business.”

Spiderman put up his hand, with his hand free from the rope he could feel that they had taken his web shooters as well. Crap. “No funny business” He agreed. He took the phone and unlocked it. The screen flashed with a notification for about a dozen or so missed calls from Deadpool. He pressed the first message and put it to his ear to listen.

Killer Croc rubbed the back of his scaley head, turning to Catwoman and the others. “If Spiderboy is right, then it sounds like Harley is here willingly.”

Catwoman sighed “Well...There’s nowhere safer she can be then an entire dimension away from The Joker…”

Poison Ivy bit her lip, her shoulders sagging defeatedly, maybe…

Maybe Harley didn’t need her right now.

“Hey you walking copyright infringements.” Spiderman called over to the group of villains. “Can you tell me what the heck this is about?” Spiderman pressed the speakerphone button on the screen and replayed the message Deadpool had sent him.

“Hey boo!” Deadpool’s low voice came out slightly tinny from the phone’s speakers “This is like the 10th message I’ve sent you. There’s some shit about to go down baby boy. Harley’s Ex is bad news with a capital B, wrapped in a shitty dollar store clown costume, narcissistic personality disorder and nerve gas. All we know is that he’s somewhere in the city.”

The four villains shared a worried glance with one another.

Catwoman hissed “Fuck! How did The Joker even get here?”

Ivy stepped forward. “Did he say where they are?”

“Also what the fuck I’m worried about you! Answer your phone!” The message continued “Did you get kidnapped again? I swear you should get a punch card or something.” Deadpool sighed before the message ended.

Mad hatter looked worried for a moment. “I can’t afford punch cards for everyone I kidnap… I’ll go bloody broke.” he whispered to himself.

Spiderman sighed as she looked down at his phone, firmly ignoring Hatter. He wished Wade was here. “Yeah I really should get a punch card at this point.” He whispered to himself. He looked up at Ivy. “And hold your metaphorical horses I’m going to call him back.”

Ivy crowded over Spiderman’s shoulder “Call him back on speaker phone.” She demanded.

Spiderman sighed but complied anyways, all four villains crowding around the still semi-tied up hero and his battered iphone.  


 

 

Deadpool and Harley were in Deadpool’s car, driving back towards the city, the sun had set a while ago, the only light being from the lamp posts at the side of the road that shone into the car intermittently. Harley’s and Deadpool’s grim determined faces lighted and then set back into darkness as they continued down the late night highway.

“So.” Deadpool shrugged a shoulder towards Harley as he kept his eyes on the road. “How do you want to play this baby girl?”

Harley’s eyes were hard as she stared out the window towards the city. “Find Joker, fuck up his shit, go back home and…” Harley groaned, thunking her head against the cool window. “I don’t know if I can plan that far ahead. I don’t even know what I would say to her...”

Deadpool shrugged. “Let’s just focus on the first part then. How would we find this clown ex of yours?”

Harley watched as a massive ship began to lower itself down from above the city. Harley’s eyes widened “Hey Wade…” She tapped the glass on the window insistently “What the fuck is that?”

Deadpool leaned over the steering wheel to look at the ship. “Oh crap it’s the Shield Helicarrier.”

Harley looked back at him. “What’s Shield?”

“Imagine the FBI but for superheroes and other high-powered crap, and every single one of them is a douche.” He thought for a moment. “Ok well maybe not Preston.”

Harley gave him a surprised look at hearing that Preston was a Shield agent. She nodded “Got ya.”

Deadpool gave the ship a calculating glance. “That must be the weird shit going on with Shield that Preston was talking about.”

“My puddin isn’t subtle.” Harley mused. “If there’s trouble that’s where he’ll be.”

“Director Fury isn’t exactly a fan of mine, so I don’t know exactly what dealing with them will be like…” Wade sighed “I wish Spidey was here, he’s better at dealing with Shield and the rest of the goody-two-shoes patrol then I am.”

Wade’s phone buzzed where it sat between him and Harley. Harley picked it up for him.

“Hey Mistah D it’s Spiderdork!” Harley chirped happily.

“SPIDEY!” Deadpool grabbed wildly for his phone, letting go of the steering wheel in his rush. Harley yelped and leaned over to grab the wheel, pulling the car over, lifting Deadpool’s leg to ease him off the gas and putting the car forcibly into brake.

“OH BABY BOY I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU!” Deadpool crooned. “ARE YOU HURT? WHERE ARE YOU?”

“Hey ‘Pool.” Spiderman answered back, the villains still crowding around his shoulders. “I’m not hurt and I don’t know. Also just to let you know, you’re on speaker phone so behave.”

“Or what?” Deadpool wiggled his eyebrows “Or you’ll spank me?”

Killer Croc snorted, Mad Hatter rolled his eyes and Catwoman giggled behind a gloved hand. Spiderman rubbed his temple and groaned “WADE.”

“Ha!” Harley kicked out her feet and laughed “Good one Mistah D!”

Ivy perked up at the sound of Harley’s voice. “HARLEY!”

Harley screeched and leaned over the center console towards Deadpool’s phone. “RED?” Happy tears were beading in her eyes “RED IS THAT REALLY YOU?”

“YES!” Poison Ivy snatched the phone out of Spiderman’s hand, the vines around her lost their thorns and began to bud and then bloom in rapid succession, roses crowding around the villain in her joy. “YES IT’S ME!” Her vines curled protectively around her and the phone, the light from the screen illuminating her face, the tears beading in her own green eyes “Harley where are you? Are you in trouble? Joker is in the city we have to leave! I’ll come and get you!”

Harley huffed out a humorless laugh, a sad smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “I ain’t leaving this time buttercup. I’m going to find him and I’m going to put a boot up his ass. I gotta do it….I gotta do it for Lucy.”

Poison Ivy froze, her vines twitching as she processed this.

Killer Croc turned to Jervis and Catwoman. “Who’s Lucy?” He whispered.

Catwoman and Mad Hatter shrugged.

“Are you sure?” Ivy looked at the phone with something between pride and apprehension. “We’ll back you up.”

“HELL YEAH” Killer Croc bellowed “LET’S KICK HIS ASS!”

“At your service!” Jervis called back, taking off his hat and bowing with it.

“He’s owed an ass kicking from me for a while.” Catwoman called out, cocking a hip and readying her claws.

Harley heard them all through the speakerphone, the tears that had been welling in her eyes breaking forth and running down her cheeks. “Jones? Selina? Jervie?” Her watery smile turned into an emotional grin “You guys came for me?”

Deadpool smiled at her, taking her hand and squeezing reassuringly. Harley squeezed his hand back.

“We care about you Harley.” Ivy spoke into the phone gently “We’re going to see this through with you.”

Harley sniffed, wiping a sleeve against her tears “You guys are the best.”

“Aww…” Spiderman looked at the villains having a moment together where he was sitting still tied to the chair. “I don’t know what’s going on but it seems really cute.”

Harley paused for a moment “Wait did you kidnap Spidey?”

Ivy looked guiltily back at where Spiderman was tied to the chair.

Spiderman waved back at her cheerily.

Ivy grimaced as she went back to the phone. “...a little bit?”

“You can let him go sweetpea” Harley assured her “He’s a good bean. A hero, but a good bean.”

Ivy sighed “Fine.” she motioned over to Catwoman who immediately sliced through the rest of the ropes keeping Spiderman bound to the chair.

Spiderman rubbed his hands that had gone numb. “Thanks. Can I have my web-shooters back?”

“Oh.” Killer croc held up the little contraptions. “Was it these things that-” Killer Croc handled the web-shooter the wrong way and a spurt of sticky web shot out of the device, startling Killer Croc and making him throw it half way across the room with a yelp.

“YES. THOSE.” Spiderman groused, leaning down to pick up his web-shooters off the floor and putting them back around his wrists.

“Ivy….Take me off speaker for a moment I gotta...” Harley almost whispered over the phone.

Ivy’s brow furrowed, complying and putting the phone to her ear. “Yeah?”

“I ain’t under any delusions about what I’m about to do here….can you….” Harley huffed “If I don’t…. Yanno… Can you find Lucy for me? Tell her I’m sorry?”

In the pale glow of the phone against Harley’s face Deadpool could see the glint of tears running down her cheeks. “Tell her momma’s sorry…” Harley whispered. “Tell her momma loved her…”

Ivy’s breath caught in her throat for a moment. She looked solemnly down at the phone, her breath coming out in a painful stuttering sigh. “...I will...I will…”

Harley smiled sadly down at the phone. “Thanks Red. You can put me back on speaker.” She looked over at Deadpool and then back at the phone. “We’re coming back into the city. Something is going on with Shield or whatever they’re called-”

Spiderman perked up, straining to hear the conversation. “What? What’s going on with Shield?”

“-Whatever it is…” Harley continued “I’ll be willing to bet a million smackaroos that my bastard of a puddin’ is in the middle of it.”

“What?” Spiderman’s eyes narrowed and widened quizzically “What about a pudding?”

Catwoman stalked over to a window, pulling apart the blinds and looking through. Sure enough a giant ship was sinking down towards the city, smaller helicopter-like ships pouring out from it like bees from a hive, their scanners raking across the city. “I’m guessing this is the trouble we’re talking about.”

“Hang on.” Spiderman took his phone back from Poison Ivy. Keeping Harley on the line he scrolled through all of his missed calls. Most were from Wade, one from Aunt May, and one from-

“Oh crap.” Spiderman paled under his mask. “I missed a call from Captain America.”

Catwoman snorted. “The Captain what now? What are we in? A propaganda Cartoon?”

“Call the Star-spangled sassy pants back baby boy.” Deadpool told Spiderman over the phone. “Explain to him what’s going on, maybe we can get Shield to cool their tits.”

Spiderman nodded, realizing afterwards that Deadpool couldn’t see him and feeling a little silly. He cleared his throat and answered back verbally “I’ll do that.”

“Alright we’ll get off the phone while you do that” Deadpool made obnoxious kissy noises over the phone. “Bye! Love ya shnookums!”

Spiderman snorted. “Oh go fuck yourself ‘Pool.”

“Waiting for you to do it!” Deadpool chirped back cheerily. “Ok BYEEEEE!” Before he clicked the end call button.

Spiderman rolled his eyes, turning away from the rest of the group only to come face-to-face with Catwoman.

“GEEZE!” Spiderman jumped back, pressing himself against the warehouse wall. “Haven’t you ever heard of personal space?”

Catwoman grinned. She leaned forward into his space with a smug leer. “You liiiike him.” She whispered, voice low and husky, dripping with amusement at Spiderman’s expense.

Spiderman narrowed his eyes at her. “Oh go away you knock off Black Cat I have a phone call to make.”

Selina leaned back onto her heels, cheshire grin still in place. “That’s not a no…” She sing-songed.

Spiderman pointed to one of the room’s corners. “No. Shoo. Bad kitty.”

Selina relented with a chuckle and a wiggle of her eyebrows, letting Spiderman make his phone call in peace.

Spiderman went back to his phone, calling back Captain America from earlier that day.  


 

Batman, Batgirl, Iron Man and Captain America were currently in a helicopter being piloted by Black Widow towards the Shield Helicarrier, taking long round about ways to avoid the smaller Shield ships, luckily it seemed that none of the scouts were very interested in them, their scanners raking the city below them relentlessly.

Black Widow frowned at the ships stalking over the city like birds of prey. The hell was that clown looking for? Lost in her train of thought she only caught the last half of the conversation that had been unfolding in the cab of the helicopter behind her.

“Deadpool?” Batgirl snorted. “What kind of name is Deadpool? What’s he supposed to be? A pool full of Death?”

“We ascertained that he had accelerated healing abilities, but we didn’t know it went so far as to make him immortal.” Batman mused, crossing his arms. “Dealing with immortals, especially immortal villains can be…” He sighed, the Lazarus pit fresh on his mind. “...Tricky…”

Captain America frowned. “He’s not a bad kid he’s just…”

“Annoying.” Iron Man finished for him with a huff “Really goddamn annoying.”

“He isn’t exactly a villain...he has a set of morals he just…” Captain America grimaced “...He just didn’t quite agree with everyone about where the line was, especially when it came to killing.”

“That’s a really nice way of saying he killed people for money.” Iron Man grumped.

“Always people he deemed to be guilty, and never children.” Captain America reasoned back. “Shield procured his services sometimes when faced with a difficult job.”

“So…” Batgirl hummed “Like a...freelance hero?”

“Yes.” Captain America agreed.

“No.” Iron Man huffed.

“Like I said, his definitions of good and bad don’t always mesh with everyone else’s.” Captain America explained.

“He’ll stab, maim, shoot and kill anyone that gets in his way. He is schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder who for the majority of his life had a slim grasp on reality” Iron Man glared at Captain America. “He’s an insane immortal killing machine...Also an Idiot...” He raised a finger “But mostly the first thing.”

Captain America sighed “He wanted to be a hero, joined the Canadian military, worked his way up to special forces before being dishonorably discharged for not following orders he morally disagreed with.”

“Alright…” Batgirl leaned back in the seat. “So how did he get the immortal part?”

“He was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer and volunteered for a super soldier program. Instead of curing him of his cancer, it just made it so that he couldn’t die from his cancer, his entire body is riddled with tumors that are dying and regrowing in constant quick succession.”

“Including his brain.” Iron Man muttered “Which explains a lot of the crazy shit.”

Batgirl winced “Holy crap.”

Captain America sighed “Despite everything he’s at least...trying to be better. He sincerely does want to be a hero, but he has a lot to work through before he is an asset rather than a liability.”

“The kid-” Iron Man turned to Batman and Batgirl “-er Spiderman, a small-time hero in the city we work with, and a minor Avenger, has been working with him on it. I’ll admit that the guy has made progress... but that’s like saying a stab wound is an improvement from a bullet hole. He’s still an annoying shit who has a long way to go…”

Batgirl frowned. “So bad guy was making progress to try and be...not so bad... then went to our universe and took Harley?...”

Iron Man huffed “Regretting him ever stepping into your universe huh?”

Batman looked at the other two heroes across from him. “Harley was assigned as Joker’s psychiatrist while he was confined to Arkham Asylum. He is a highly manipulative sociopath, a narcissist and a master criminal.” He gave Iron Man a meaningful look ”She thought they were in love, he manipulated her into breaking him out, then pushed her into a vat of chemicals against her will. She became his henchwoman, suffering for years under his abuse, both physical and mental, until recently when he stabbed her and threw her out of a window where this man-” Batman tapped the security camera footage where Deadpool was carrying her out of the alleyway “-Found her and took her to this universe.”

Batman looked pensive for a moment. “I have no reason to believe that what you tell me about Deadpool is untrue, however…” He was silent for a moment. “Even if he set off a chain of events that led to this debacle, I’m glad he took her out of the alley” He leveled Iron Man with a cold stare “….Away from The Joker, Harley has a chance.”

The helicopter was silent for a moment, everyone avoiding Batman’s eye contact guiltily.

Batman nodded slightly. “We’ll take them back to our universe and sort it out back there. Harley may be a victim in some ways, but she’s also a wanted criminal.”

“Bats…” Batgirl frowned.

“We’ll make sure she gets the help she needs.” Batman replied. “In the meantime, we need to find everyone who crossed over and make sure they are returned to our universe.”

“So…” Iron Man pointed at Batman “The lizard thing, the plant lady, the little guy with the big hat and the furry are all yours?”

“Don’t forget about that guy who has that-” Captain America motioned in front of his face, visually splitting his face into two equal halves “-the face thing?”

“You’re kidding!” Batgirl huffed, crossing her arms “You’ve seen all of them? Are they also at Shield impersonating its director?”

“No…” The two heroes grimaced, Iron Man rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “We lost track of the first group in the city and the face...guy slipped through Shield’s perimeter when they attempted to arrest him.”

Batgirl leaned back in her seat, staring down the two heroes she pointed at them, making a wide circle with her finger. “...No offense... but you guys are kinda bad at this.”

“Hey!” Iron Man put up a hand defensively. “I’m not the one who lost their villains through an inter-dimensional portal, am I?”

Batgirl looked like she was about to argue, something that was bound to end with a punch to the billionaire's face, when a chime sounded on Captain America’s phone. He pulled it from his belt pocket to look at the name on screen. “It’s Spiderman!”

“THE KID!” Iron Man leaned over the other’s shoulder excitedly and welcoming the distraction as Captain America pressed the call button. “We were worried about you! Where are you? Where’s Deadpool?”

Spiderman stalked back and forth in the warehouse on the other side of the line. “Sorry Mr.Stark I was kidnapped by some weirdos. I’m better now.”

Batgirl leaned over towards them “Ask him if he knows where Harley is!”

Captain America turned back to his phone. “Do you know where-”

“So Deadpool has this friend named Harley, Mr. America and Mr. Stark-”

“Stop calling me that, you’re not in highschool anymore. You’re out of college stop talking to me like you got called to the principal's office” Iron Man winced. “It’s weird.”

“Alright Sorry Miss Stark.” Peter sassed back.

Tony sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Anyways Harley is apparently from another dimension?” Spiderman’s brows raised. “The weirdos who kidnapped me were looking for her. We got here a giant lizard who is not the usual lizard, a lady plant man, some leather-clad furry who isn’t as cool as Black cat, and some weird fuck with a top hat.”

Mad Hatter gasped indignantly, putting a hand to his chest. “Well then! If everybody minded their business, the world would go about a great deal faster then it does!”

“That’s not just any weird fuck with a top hat!” Batgirl gasped and grinned. “That’s OUR weird fuck with a top hat!”

“The plan is for Harley, all her weird inter-dimensional friends, and Deadpool and I to go kick her ex’s ass.” Spiderman sighed, looking out the window at the helicarrier that hovered over the city. “So can you guys tell shield to stop flipping their shit?”

Iron Man and Captain America winced.

“Uh….” Iron Man rubbed the back of his neck. “....about that….”  


 

Deadpool was driving towards an inlet off the highway, pulling into a 24-hour storage unit lot when his phone rang again, the bars of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” announcing to the car’s occupants that Spiderman was calling again.

Deadpool fished the phone out of his pants pocket. “Sup baby boy! Is shield ready to take a nappy-poo and let us do our work?”

“Uh….” Spiderman rubbed the back of his neck. “....about that….”  


 

“FUCK!” Harley screamed into the night sky in the storage unit lot parking, light harshly by overhead outdoor lights. “HE’S GOT A FUCKING HELICARRIER?”

Deadpool sighed, holding the phone out in front of him, Spiderman and the rest of the loser squad on speakerphone as Harley paced and ranted in front of him.

“REALLY?” Harley screamed in the parking lot, pulling at her pigtails. “A HELICARRIER AND A FUCKING ARMY?”

“Harley…” Ivy spoke softly where she stood next to Spiderman “...If your friend can get you back into our dimension you should go, get away from Joker and this mess.”

“No!” Harley ran a sleeve under her cheeks and sniffed, her eyes hard and her lips pulled into a harsh line. “I’m going to kick his fucking ass Ivy! I’m going to kick his ass and end this once and for all!”

“Baby girl.” Deadpool gave her a grave look. “You can’t grow bits back like me. It’s ok to run.”

“No.” Harley looked back at the city.

“Harley…” Ivy urged gently.

“NO!” Harley turned back to Deadpool and the phone, tears streaming down her cheeks and her mouth pulled into a snarl. “I HAVE TO END THIS!” Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. “I’ve let him walk all over me for TOO LONG! I know what he’s doing!” Harley grimaced, her mouth twitching as she struggled between crying and laughing. “He thinks he can scare me into coming back to him. It’s a big fucking show, just like any other time I’ve run away from him…” She frowned, her voice coming out in a strained whisper. “He’s just gotta bigger gun this time is all.”

There was an awkward strained silence as heroes and villains contemplated this on either side of the speaker call.

“Welp.” Spiderman broke the silence with a shrug. “Steven King’s It has to be taken out of the helicarrier anyways before he ruins my city.” He looked at the villains around him. “Also don’t take this the wrong way but the sooner this is over, the sooner all of you leave and I never have to see you again.”

Killer Croc shrugged “...That’s fair man…”

“So I’m with you Harley.” Spiderman nodded at the phone before he realized that again, this was a phone call and that she couldn’t see him. He really needed to stop doing that. “I’ll be with you all the way on this one.”

Killer Croc nodded “Eh...If I die it will at least be a cool way to go.”

Catwoman shrugged “We’ve gone this far haven’t we?”

“This is all uncommon nonsense.” Hatter sighed “But I suppose there is no better way out then through.”

“Hey Jervie?” Harley asked, running her thumbnail across her bottom lip thoughtfully. “You still got them cards a yours?”

Hatter pulled a whole deck from the inner lining of his hat. “Of course my dear! No fish would go anywhere without a porpoise!”

Killer Croc sighed where he stood next to Catwoman. “Someday I’m gonna kick his ass until he speaks actual fucking english.”

“Now!” Hatter looked out the window at where Shield helicopters were currently scouring the city. He shuffled the cards in his hands absentmindedly a calculating look in his eyes as one of the helicopters flew past “My dear we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that!”

Killer Croc squinted down at him, his lips pulled into a grimace. “....I might actually fucking do it this time. I’m gonna kick his ass and force him to make sense for fucking ONCE.

Catwoman put a hand across his chest, shaking her head solemnly. “It’s not worth it Jones. Trust me… We’ve already tried.”

Harley grinned on her end of the phone call. “I think if ya play your cards right Jervie, we might be able ta pull somethin’ off.” She cracked her knuckles and straightened her back. “Alright here’s what we’re gonna do.”  


 

The Joker, by nature, was not a patient man. He rocked back and forth in Director Fury’s chair. Fury’s eyepatch on his head and his feet propped up against Fury’s unconscious back. Fury’s own handcuffs were around his wrists.

Joker watched the camera footage from just about every helicopter-type-thingie that The Joker had deployed throughout the city. It was amazing what you could get done in this ship by growling into a microphone and lacing your speech with the word “motherfucker”.

He pulled back on his bottom lip, his eyes drooping with BOREDOM.

What is TAKING HER SO LONG?

Usually all The Joker would have to do would be to come to whatever shack or safehouse Harley holed herself into this time with a couple of men with big guns and Harley would get all sheepish and apologetic, coming back to him with her tail in between her legs like a kicked dog. Sometimes she tried to hide, but usually a gun pressed to whoever’s temple would make her slink out of whatever cubbyhole she put herself into. Either that or wait long enough and she would come back on her own.

It was funny how no matter how much you kicked a dog, they would always come running back when you called.

He looked down at the unconscious Fury. Unfortunately though he was working with a bit of a timetable here, the just waiting option won’t work this time.

The Joker glared at the camera feeds. So here he is, with his biggest gun yet in her latest safe house.

So why the HELL ISN’T IT WORKING?

The Joker leaned forward, digging his heels into Fury’s back as he scooted forward in his seat, trying to get a better look at the controls. There was a curved wall of holographic screens around Fury’s chair, slightly transparent and floating freely. He tapped through a couple of screens, trying to find something he could use to-

Oh.

Oh mama.

AYE CHIHUAHUA! THAT’S A JACKPOT BAY-BEE!

A manic giggle built up from The Joker, starting as a quiet chortle and ending an explosive guffaw. The Joker had his finger on the Shield helicarrier missile defense system.

Well now we’re cooking! If this was breaking down the door to her safehouse then this was the gun pressed to someone’s temple.

“Round and round the merry-go-round” The Joker sang as he played with the controls of the missile, spinning it towards the city bridge, the children’s hospital, Avengers tower. “Where it stops nobody knows!”

He let go at random a flashing red warning being displayed on all the floating screens the missile careening through the air and-  


 

In the warehouse where Spiderman, Poison Ivy, Killer Croc and The Mad Hatter were planning with Harley and Deadpool over the phone, there was a sudden flash of light over the city.

Catwoman raised the blinds and all of them saw an the explosion burn bright, an incandescent mushroom of fire that lit the city as brightly as if were the day.

“The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might: He did his best to make the billows smooth and bright.” Jervis Tetch whispered as Spiderman and the Villains looked on with awe, the explosions painting their faces with bright white light and sending deep shadows through the room. “And this was odd” He mused, a finger to his lip and his brows furrowed. “Because it was the middle of the night.”

Spiderman’s eyes widened as he saw that the water tower that The Joker’s missile had hit was leaning perilously off the edge of the building, metal creaking and groaning as the twisted and gaping shell hung over the busy city below.

“Well shit.” Spiderman whispered, already pulling up the window. “Harley I hope your plan works, I have to stop that water tower from crushing everyone below.”

Catwoman looked at the Shield helicopters circling the city. “They’re gonna see you!”

“Yeah well.” Spiderman shrugged “Can’t really help that.” He pointed back at the rest of them “Just continue with Harley’s plan!” He turned to his phone. “Sorry we gotta go Wade. Duty calls and all of that.”

“Be careful baby boy.” Wade cautioned from his end, listening to the explosion and ruckass from the other end of the line.

“Will do.” Spiderman nodded before clicking the end call button. He shot a strand of webbing and pulled himself out of the window and towards the action.

Killer Croc watched him go. “Well shit. What do we do now?”

“Like bug boy says.” Ivy’s vines whipped around her as she pulled herself out of the window as well, dropping onto the fire escape “We stick to the plan.”  


 

The Creeper stood at the edge of one of Gotham’s many skyscrapers, perched on a gargoyle that overlooked the busy city, his face lit by the streetlamps before.

“I’m not hero Gotham deserves” The Creeper growled, imitating Batman’s gruff voice, his red boa he wore over the Batman cape and cowl fluttering in the breeze. “I’m ALSO not the hero Gotham needs right now.” He looked dramatically out into the distance, silhouetted in the light of the moon, a crack of lightning illuminating his green striped briefs and red heels “A not-so-silent guardian, a mostly watchful protector, an-”

“IMBECILE!” Damian Wayne swung down onto the roof where The Creeper was having his moment. “AN ABSOLUTE IMBECILE!”

The creeper turned to the young Robin, his hands on his fists. “Excuse me.” He looked down at the child “Can’t a guy have a dramatic speech on top of a gargoyle in peace?”

“You’ve had your fun Creeper.” Robin crossed his arms, glaring at the green-skinned man wearing Batman’s cape, cowl and utility belt with only a pair of striped briefs, red heels and a boa. He looked like a drag queen who couldn’t decide on if they wanted to be slutty Batman or Slutty Joker for halloween. “So give up the cape, the cowl and the utility belt and I’ll only beat you up a little bit rather than leaving you as a greasy tackily-dressed smear on the city below.”

“Wow.” The Creeper pointed a finger at Robin “That’s a lot of anger in a tiny little package. You’re like a chihuahua dude.” he pinched his fingers together. “An aaaaaangry lil’ chihuahua!”

Robin threw a shuriken and The Creeper shrieked, dodging awkwardly to the side, his arms and legs akimbo as he narrowly missed the projectile.

The Creeper tugged on the Batman cape, using it like a woman who was surprised in the shower might cover herself with the shower curtain as he stared down the angry youth. “Ok, rude, do I have to get a rolled up newspaper?”

“I’m not going to warn you again!” Damien raised another couple shuriken “Take off the cape and cowl you irredeemable weirdo.”

The Creeper was backed up to the edge of the building, staring down the furious Robin. “I-I-Uh-”

“Help!” someone cried from below. The Creeper turned to see a woman run into a suspiciously empty section of street in front of the Gotham city bank. “Someone! Please help! Mister Freeze is robbing the bank!”

The Creeper was silent for a moment before his face lit up, his mouth pulled into a huge grin as he shook his fists and squealed. He spun on the rooftop the Batman cape twirling around him. “Oh my GOD my first REAL crime as Batman!”

Damien peered over the rooftop. “We never got a notification that Fries escaped from Arkham…”

The Creeper pulled himself up onto the edge of the roof. “NEVER FEAR! BATMAN IS HERE!”  


 

On the street level undercover cop Laura Reeds looked out into the night. The heels she had been forced to wear as a “Normal civilian” were making her ankles hurt.

“Come on Laura!” a voice in her earpiece urged, the signal coming from a nearby meat delivery van that the Gotham city police were using as an undercover police van. “You have to sell it more! Remember you are a frightened civilian who just escaped a robbery!”

“Oh fuck off Carl!” She whispered into the hidden mic in her blouse. “I’m doing my best here!”

“Oh nooooo!” Laura yelled half-heartedly into the night, steadily growing bored. “Fries is totally robbing the bank! He’s doing it! It’s uh...pretty damn illegal! Man I wish someone would come and-” She stifled a yawn “-stop him or something…”

“Oh my god you are terrible at this.” Carl whispered back to her.

“Hey fuck you!” Laura whispered back into her blouse. “Maybe next time I stay in the van and you go out with the blouse and a microphone in between your tits!”

“Maybe I will!” Carl whispered back. “I would at least put some pizazz into the role! And would it have killed you to have done something with your hair? Maybe like… put some makeup around your eye like a bruise?”

“Next time I see you I’m going to piss in your coffee Carl I swear to-”

“DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A HERO?” A dramatic voice boomed over the still city street, a figure silhouetted in black looked over the bank, they jumped from the Gargoyle they had been perched on, the dark cape fluttering dramatically as they descended the figure landing in a crouch and-

“Ow ow ow” The Creeper clutched his knees “I didn’t know that the hero landing would be so bad on my knees OW!” He rolled onto his back, clutching his knee and hissing in pain. “Ow! And Now I have a cramp! Charlie horse! CHARLIE HORSE!”

Robin landed next to the would-be hero, having had dropped down much more sensibly by using a grappling hook. He kicked The Creeper who was still on the ground writhing in pain. “Oh get up you big baby.”

“Oh thank goodness!” Laura did her best to sound like she was glad to see them, even as The Creeper sat on the ground and did some yoga poses to alleviate his cramp. She watched his bare green leg go up and down and side-to-side with something like horror. “Finally!” She watched The Creeper roll back and forth with thinly veiled disdain “A hero to save us from Mr. Freeze and his... reign of terror...”

The Creeper popped up from the ground. He pointed at himself and then Laura “How about after I save the bank me and you~” He wiggled his eyebrows.

Laura grit her teeth, trying to control the urge to kick him in the shins. “Well...ahaha...You better get in there right this second! Who knows what kind of atrocities Mr.Freeze is committing this very moment!”

“Right right!” The Creeper set his sights on the bank. “You’ll have to fawn over me another time pretty lady! I have a day to save!” He jogged past her and into the bank, humming the Batman theme song as he went.

Damien stood next to the woman, his eyebrow arched. “...Gotham PD huh?”

Laura winced, she leaned low towards the hero. “Oh no not at all!” She assured him, her voice strained. “Just another civilian caught in the crossfire!”

“Your lavalier mic is showing.” Damien remarked.

Laura immediately reached for her blouse before she realized that the child had been lying and that her reaching for it only proved that he was right. He smiled smugly up at her.

The little _twerp_.

Laura glared down at him, her hands on her hips “Oh just go and help _BATMAN-”_ She put the last word in sarcastic finger quotes “with his _IMPORTANT MISSION”_ She gave him a meaningful look “The mission that will probably take _A LOT OF TIME_ and keep him _HAPPY AND OUT OF EVERYONE’S HAIR_.”

Damien sighed. “Very well, but tell Commissioner Gordon that he’s going to get a very strongly worded letter from me about this whole thing.” He walked to the bank in no real hurry, pausing at the door to give the woman one last glare. “A. VERY. STRONGLY. WORDED. LETTER.” And with that he finally went into the building.

Laura flipped the child off as he went in. She pulled a cigarette from her bag and lit it, leaning against the bank wall and taking a drag. The plan was for her to wait outside and be a civilian for The Creeper to “Save” if necessary. She rolled her eyes and hoped that the green weirdo wouldn't expect a kiss for it.

The Creeper burst into the building, kicking down the door with one of his red heeled boots and unfortunately exposing all of the actors, undercover police, and Mr.Freeze himself to just how incredibly tight his briefs were while he had his leg lifted.

“MR.FREEZE!” The Creeper struck a pose. “YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER!”

Mr. Fries was still trying to recover from what he just saw, standing in the middle of the bank lobby awkwardly. “....uh….”

“VERILY!” A woman in a baroque style dress who was playing the part of “Henchman number three” like it was her opening debut on broadway put a hand to her head and swooned back dramatically. “THE HERO HAS ARRIVED! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?”

Fries shook himself, remembering that he was supposed to be fake robbing a bank here. “Don’t come any closer Batman.” He warned. “Or I’ll…” He raised the Pringles can gun to one of the undercover police officers who was playing the role of bank teller. “...Shoot them...With this….gun…”

He turned back to The Creeper. “Yes.” He added awkwardly. Trying to fake rob a bank was a lot harder than actually robbing a bank. “Shoot them with this gun.” He nodded. “Yes that’s what I’ll do alright….”

“Oh no!” The officer who was just as unused to staging fake robberies as Fries was raised their arms and added in what he hoped was a helpful way. “I’m being shot!….With a gun!”

“NOT ON MY WATCH!” The Creeper advanced towards Mister Freeze, his hands balled into fists.

Actor minions threw themselves in front of The Creeper, drawing prop swords and fencing with the hero or having fist fights that never quite landed a punch on the green-skinned hero, falling to the floor once barely grazed and having dramatic “Deaths” all over the marble floor of the bank.

“Verily I have been forsaken!”

“BLAGH! I HAVE BEEN VANQUISHED!”

“I AM DYING!”

“MY EVIL WAYS HAVE BEEN FOR NAUGHT!”

“I see a light at the end of the tunnel! Oh I am dying!”

The Creeper slid through, his heels sliding on the wet marble and propelling himself further into the building, Batman’s cape and his own feather boa fluttering dramatically as he laughed.

“NOW MR.FREEZE!” The Creeper picked up one of the penguin plushies that one of the detectives had strewn about as props, the little toy squeaking in his hands. “PREPARE TO BE DEFEATED!”

Creeper threw the penguin plush, the toy squeaking as it hit the domed helmet of the cryo-suit and bounding off.

Fries and Creeper stared at each other for a long moment.

Fries suddenly remembered that he was supposed to be defeated now. “Oh no.” He tossed the fake gun to the side. “My Plan has been….foiled….I have been….. defeated….Take me to prison.”

“AHAH!” Creeper pumped his fist, picking up the fake gun. “Now I’ll just call the police and-”

Creeper sniffed the barrel of the gun. “....Why does this smell like sour cream and onions?”

“No reason.” The cop that was supposed to be a bank teller supplied a little too quickly.

If Fries could still sweat he would totally be sweating right now. “That is the smell of…” Fries thought hard for a moment. “Ice….” He looked to the side “....technology….”

The Creeper pulled off the silver foil covering the tube revealing the barrel of the false gun to have been made from a Pringles can. He gasped over-dramatically, his brow furrowing, his lips pulling into a snarl as he growled out “PRINGLES!” He threw the gun to the ground where it clattered hollowly “PRINGLES AND DECEIT!”

The Creeper looked heart-broken as he looked over the occupants of the bank, all of them suddenly sheepishly looking away. “YOU’RE ALL IN ON IT AREN’T YOU?” He put his hands to his hips “Now why would you all go and do something like this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Robin asked where he was leaning against the door frame. “You were making trouble, so they decided to keep you busy.” He eyed the actors and undercover police in the bank lobby. “Correct me if i'm wrong?”

There were a lot of awkward coughs, people looking away and rubbing their necks or people suddenly looking down at their feet or picking at their nails.

A sad violin started playing in the background as The Creeper put a hand over his heart. He looked like a kicked puppy, his boa deflated and the Batman cape hanging dejectedly around his frame. “And to think I just wanted to help… be a hero like the real Batman… but everybody just looks at what ya did in the past and think you can’t be nothin in the future!”

Fries couldn’t help to be just a bit sympathetic when he said that, maybe The Creeper was being misjudged and-

“And sure-” The Creeper waved a hand flippantly “-I did kick The Condiment King right in the weenie…”

Nope no. Sympathy gone.

“But it’s on account of being new to the gig!” The Creeper had his hands on his hips again. “Look I ain’t sayin’ I never made mistakes, but people oughta be allowed to make some mistakes without being outright discredited. If someone wants to help with a good cause let em!” He gave them all a hard glare. “Or maybe you coulda I don’t know! TOLD me you didn’t like how I was doing things? IT’S CALLED CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FOLKS!”

A penguin plushie was thrown at The Creeper, squeaking and bouncing off the anti-hero’s head. “I did you JACKASS!” Robin yelled out from the side.

The Creeper sniffed, his eyes filling up with tears. “The angry child is right! I never shoulda tried to be a hero!” The crying green-skinned lunatic walked straight up to Mister Freeze and thunked his head against the chest of the cryo-suit armor. “You know what I’m talkin’ about don’t you fake Mister Freeze?”

Every cop in the bank suddenly froze with terror, half expecting to see the imminent and bloody demise of Gotham’s favorite idiot.

Mister Fries was for a better word, frozen in place. His shoulders were bunched up, his hands up, and his face was pulled into a shocked and disgusted snarl. The Creeper was currently crying all over the front of his armor.

Fries isn’t really good at this sort of thing.

He raised a hand and patted The Creeper awkwardly on the back. “There….there?”

“Oh Fake Mister Freeze.” The Creeper sniffed, his eyes full of tears as he used the hem of the batman cape like a hanky. “The world just ain’t fair. They think they know what you are and they won’t ever let you be anything else”

Mister Fries sighed, put upon. “Come on.” He urged, rolling his eyes behind his round glasses “We shall...cheer you up.”

  


Sarah, new manager at Mr. Freeze ice cream parlor in Gotham, had been watching the comings and goings of the Bank across the street all day. She was a tall girl with the sort of open and  affable face that spoke of both intelligence and kindness, her curly hair was currently rebelling against the classic 1950’s ice cream man hat that was required to be worn by employees.

For whatever reason it had been a slow day in the ice cream shop, which meant she had time to watch people go in and out of the bank like bees in a hive, carrying bags of ice, plushies and equipment. She saw a troupe of well-dressed actors and actresses file into the building a while ago and have yet to come out.

She wiped the counter in front absentmindedly. Maybe the bank is putting on some kind of community event and that’s where everyone is today. At least it gave her time to clean the nozzles and get some other chores out of the way.

She was halfway through with organizing the produce in the back when a chime sounded alerting her to a customer walking through the front door. She wiped her hands across her apron and put on her best customer service smile.

“Welcome to Mr.Freeze’s ice cream parlor how can I-” Her voice died in her throat through as she saw who came through the door.

Mister Freeze himself stood in the doorway of the ice cream parlor, his face cold and expressionless as he surveyed the establishment, a gust of cold air sweeping into the ice cream shop from the vents on his cryogenic suit.

If Mister Freeze was grey, cold, emotionless and stoic, then the other customer who came into the restaurant was his exact opposite.

The Creeper stood next to Mister Freeze wearing his signature small green briefs, red heels and boa, but also the Batman cape, cowl and utility belt. The cowl was pulled off his head, the mask dangling loose on his back, with his face exposed she could see that the anti-hero was on the verge of tears, his face pulled into an exaggerated and pitiable frown. He blew into the hem of the Batman cape, making a loud miserable honk that just about reverberated through the empty shop.

“Oh!” The Creeper put his hands together. “A pretty girl!” He trounced over to the counter, skipping across the tiled floors on his high-heeled boots. He raised himself so that he could sit on the small counter next to the register, leaning in so that he could read her name tag.

“Hello Sah-rah.” He read the name tag with his tongue out and a finger hovering over the letters. “Oh! Is that french?”

“It’s Sarah and it’s hebrew.” Sarah winced away from the anti-hero. “Please get off the counter.”

“OH SAH-RAH!” The Creeper bemoaned, flopping back against the counter, lounging across the plastic and setting his boots up on the register. “It’s been a terrible day Sah-rah.” He gave her his best kicked puppy look. “Pity me please.”

She had JUST cleaned that countertop. “Please get off the counter, sir.” She tried again.

“You know it all started this morning….” The insane man wearing just about only a pair of underwear and a cape bemoaned, crossing his arms and legs where he laid across the ice cream parlor counter like it was a therapist’s lounger and Sarah was his shrink. “....When I kicked The Condiment King right in the weenie….”

Sarah luckily was saved my Mister Freeze of all people. The villain stalked over to where The Creeper was dramatically opining on the counter. Sarah had almost forgotten that he was there when faced with The Creeper’s dramatics and felt herself go weak in the knees.

“Funny…” Mister Freeze spoke like it was very much so NOT funny to him. She could see her own terrified reflection in the curved glass of his helmet as he approached the front. “I never remembered opening an ice cream parlor.”

“W-we’re a subsidiary of Batburger….” Sarah whispered, musing to herself that if these are her last words she really doesn’t want them carved into her tombstone. “T-they’re um… a chain restaurant in the city...b-but they thought maybe to open a sweets store and uh-”

“You are really committed to your role as Mister Freeze….” The Creeper remarked, resting his chin in his hand as he flipped over, belly to the counter and legs popped up like a bored teenager in an eighties movie.

Sarah was pressed to the ice cream machines behind her to try and get away from the maniac. “I’m going to have to wipe that counter off again.”

“Off.” Mister Freeze ordered. “Stop terrorizing the ice cream worker.”

“Ash-on-tay Sah-rah~” The Creeper took one of her hands and pressed an obnoxious smooch to the knuckles before Mister Freeze took him by the cape and yanked him roughly off the counter.

“Two Ice creams.” Mister Freeze ordered, as grave as a bullet to the head despite the subject matter.

“Lemon lime sherbert!” The Creeper popped up from where he had been knocked to the floor. “All the toppings.”

Sarah winced, they had chocolate shavings and peanut butter cups in the toppings list, surely he didn’t mean… “Er….All the toppings?”

The Creeper leaned over the counter, their eyes wide and their smile manic. “ALL. THE. TOPPINGS.”

Sarah tried to put on a smile as she turned to Mister Freeze. “And uh… for you sir?”

“Vanilla.” Mister Freeze decided, still no visible expression on his face.

Sarah sweated as she looked up at the tall meta human. “And uh….toppings?”

There was a long moment where Mister Freeze only stared down at her, silent and expressionless, Sarah becoming more and more sure that she had committed some sort of grievous toppings-based crime in his eyes. Maybe he has a moral objection to toppings on ice cream? Maybe his wife was put into a coma because of poisoned sprinkles on her rocky road? Maybe he has to be in his cryo-suit because of some sort of ice cream factory accident, maybe he-

“Coconut.” Mister Freeze stated, the word somehow not suited for the way he delivered it, as if it were the codeword to start some sort of horrible ice cream themed invasion of the world. “Please.” He added.

“Sure!” She squeaked back, not really sure what to make of any of this.

There was another chime at the door and Sarah looked up only to see Robin walk through the doors.

“UGH!” The Creeper stomped his foot petulantly and tilted his head back to scream. “HAVEN’T YOU TORMENTED ME ENOUGH SMALL ANGRY CHILD?”

“Not until you give back the cape, the cowl and the utility belt.” Robin stated coolly, crossing his arms. “Until you release these items I will continue to hound you.”

“Um is the child with you or…” Sarah asked.

“I AM NOT.” Damien sent her a withering look, his arms crossed. “A CHILD.”

“Are you sure?” Sarah asked, she raised a small bowl on the counter filled with candy. “Children get free lollipops!”

Robin gave her a long stare, his tiny brows furrowed and his chain raised definitely. “You better…” He growled “Have a cherry flavored one in that bowl.”  


 

The Creeper, Mister Freeze and Robin all sat in a both in the ice cream shop, eating their respective ice creams in silence. Mister Freeze had to pop his hood open a fraction and put his spoon gingerly through the slot before removing it and closing the gap once more.

“Well today fucking sucked.” The Creeper bemoaned over a horrible spoonful of lemon sherbert and peanut butter cups.

“It was your own damn fault.” Robin answered back, pointing at him with the stem of his cherry lollipop. He carefully rewrapped the sweet and picked up a spoon to start eating his own ice cream. “I told you not to go out as Batman and you did it anyways.” He popped a spoonful of rocky road into his mouth. “That’s what you get for not listening to me.”

“Hey, you tiny smug infant-” The Creeper pointed at Robin. “I was trying to help!”

“Well your _trying to help”_ Robin put the last bit in sarcastic air quotes “Always ends up with millions in unnecessary property damage.”

The Creeper rolled his eyes “I am not going to be lectured by someone who isn’t old enough to grow a single mustache hair, let alone someone who had blown up the MASS QUANTITY OF SHIT like you and the rest of the bats.”

Robin rolled his eyes “You just lack the finesse, there is a reason that Batman banned you from practicing as a hero in the city.”

“Well yeah but-” The Creeper stared down into his ice cream.

“Well what?” Robin demanded.

The Creeper pushed his unholy mixture of sherbert and chocolate around with his spoon “I thought that if I did a good enough job while he was away….. he would reconsider…”

Robin sighed, crossing his arms and looking away. “....Unfortunately that is an aim in which I can sympathize…” He leaned back in the booth.

“But Everyone just DECIDED that I’m just irredeemable and no matter what I do now they won’t take me seriously!”

Mr. Fries pushed his spoon through his ice cream. “This is something in which I too struggle with.” He stared down into his ice cream. “I will admit that in my single-mindedness to revive my dear Nora, I was blind to opportunities to complete my goals in other ways.”

“Ways that didn’t involve bank robberies and crime?” Robin added sardonically.

“Precisely.” Fries nodded, he stared into the coconut and vanilla, like the snowflakes on Nora’s memorial the last he went. “My research now, though sound, has been discredited by my being a villain in the eyes of the city. Now I am with less avenues in which to save her then if I had stayed a civilian scientist.”

The Creeper gave Fries a look. “Man they chose a good actor. Whatever they’re paying you it’s not enough.”

There was the ghost of a ghost of a smile on Fries’s face. “They are paying me plenty, I assure you.”

“I suppose all of our problems have to do with others deciding what we are and how that conflicts with our desires to be something better.” Robin mused. “I myself had been raised by the league of assassins and was destined to inherit the criminal empire, though my desires have now shifted and I wish to aid in the fight to stop crime, despite Batman’s insistence that I refrain.” He took another bite of rocky road. “There will always be pain when transitioning from one sort of existence to another.”

“How did you convince the big bats to let you fight crime?” The Creeper asked.

“He didn’t _let_ me do anything.” Damian smiled. “I simply started doing it and when he saw that he couldn’t stop me he eventually acquiesced.” He pointed his spoon at The Creeper “You are a horrible green degenerate who messes up just about everything that you touch-”

The Creeper gave him a blank stare. “Oh geeze thanks kid I can feel your sentiment warming my cold heart.” His eyes narrowed further, popping up a shoulder as he played with the hem of the Batman cape and pouted. “Ouchie. Mean fetus.”

“But your one redeeming factor in the general cesspool of your being, is that you do legitimately want to help.” Robin finished. “You have some potential, being a meta-human and such so I’ll see to it that you get some training.”

The Creeper squeaked, putting his hands up to his cheeks as his eyes lit up. “YOU MEAN IT?”

Damian pointed his spoon threateningly at The Creeper. “AS. YOURSELF. NO MORE OF THIS BATMAN NONSENSE.” He rolled his eyes. “ Just do your training and start in the city despite what Batman says.” He put another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth with a sort of finality “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can. It’s all anyone can really do.”

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” The Creeper stood up suddenly. “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M GOING TO DO!” He picked up his sherbert and chocolate, throwing it across the Ice cream parlor where it bounced off the wall and into the trash, leaving a smear of sherbert and chocolate on the wall.

“I JUST CLEANED THAT!” Yelled Sarah the Ice cream shop manager.

“SORRY SAH-RAH!” Creeper yelled back. “I’M TOO BUSY HAVING EMOTIONAL EPIPHANIES TO CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF!” He shucked off the Batman uniform and with one smooth swoop dumped the cape, cowl and utility belt onto Robin.

“What the hell?” Robin unburied himself from the mountain of fabric, grimacing at the state that the cape was currently in. “Did you blow your nose in the cape?”

“Maybe.” Creeper admitted. He turned to Fries and Robin. “Well fake Mister Freeze, small angry child, I must bid you adieu.” He pointed at Robin. “Hit me up about that training and also tell your butler I'm sorry about the pizza boxes and I’ll make it up to him.” He ran out of the ice cream parlor, a smile on his face and a pep to his step. “LOOK OUT FOR THE CREEPER GOTHAM!”

The ice cream manager was wiping the wall as green man wearing high heels ran past her. “Oh!” She threw down her rag angrily. “He didn’t pay for his ice cream!”

Robin gave Mister Freeze a look. “We’re always going to have to be careful around you in order to make sure you’re not trying some plan or another…”

Mister Freeze looked solemnly back at the boy.

“Though if you’re serious about using your research to help your wife, we can get your data to people who can implement it.” He stared at the villain over his bowl of ice cream. “After being carefully screened, of course.”

“That would be….” Freeze nodded almost imperceptibly. “...More than acceptable…” His mouth twitched slightly, the muscles of his face unused to the small smile that was forming on his lips. “...thank you…”

“Yes well.” Robin rose from his seat as well. “I’m not paying for my ice cream either so-” He walked out of the Ice cream shop. “We’ll see to it that your less dangerous research gets into the right hand. He walked right past the irate ice cream store manager and out the door.

Fries rose from his seat. He bowed slightly to the ice cream shop manager. “...Please bill Commissioner Gordon for the expense. Good day.”

Fries walked out of the Ice cream shop. Commissioner Gordon and a trio of officers waiting for him.

“Well…” Gordon sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “We got the Batman costume off him and kept him occupied for a few hours at least.”

Fries nodded, the lights of the police cars reflecting red and blue across the dome of his helmet “Yes.”

Gordon looked tired. “Ready to go back to Arkham? Or are you going to fight us on this?”

The cops behind Gordon raised their weapons, ready to take the villain back by force, but Fries just shook his head.

“No.” Fries stated. “I have had enough for today.” He raised his hands and allowed the officers to place cuffs on him.

“Though do be warned commissioner Gordon…” Fries looked to the commissioner, face calm and voice low like he was to give a dire proclamation or threat.

“You owe the ice cream shop approximately twenty dollars.”

Commissioner Gordon and the rest of the police stared at him for a long moment.

….

….

Fries cleared his throat awkwardly. “I do not….have a wallet.”

Commissioner Gordon sighed and opened the door to the ice cream parlor. “....fine…”

  


Spiderman webbed over to where the damaged water tower was leaning over the side of a tall building, the metal creaking and groaning, iron bolts bending before snapping completely, the wrecked metal husk lurching violently towards the city below.

“Oh no you don’t!” Spiderman webbed one of the last remaining supports for the water tower to reinforce it. He show another couple of strands across the front of the building that housed the water tower and its nearest neighbor, making a sort of webbing hammock to keep the water tower in place.

Despite Spiderman’s efforts the water tower groaned and lurched further, falling into the net he made for it, snapping a couple of the strands.

“Holy f-” Spiderman shot web onto the top of the ruined water tower, keeping a hold of the other end and pulling back as hard as he could to keep the hunk of metal from falling.

“Need a hand?” Poison Ivy rose onto the rooftop, her vines raising her into the air, her red hair billowed in the wind.

“Keep it from falling!” Spiderman yelped as another couple of bolts snapped free and he was lurched forward, digging his heels into the cracking concrete beneath him to stop the water tower from falling altogether.

The whirr of Shield helicopters became louder and a gust of wind across the rooftop signalled the unfortunate arrival of shield. Spot lights shined down on the hero and villain.

“PUT YOUR HANDS UP. SHIELD HAS A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARRESTS.” Someone with a megaphone yelled down at them from the helicopter.

With a machine-gun like whirr something was shot out from the helicopters. Poison Ivy summoned a wall of vines, just barely in time to block the projectiles.

She took one of the darts out of where they had embedded into the vine, a little vial on the dart half-full with red liquid. “Hey bug boy!” She yelled “They have tranquilizers!”

“YOU STUPID SHITS!” Spiderman pulled with all of his might to keep the water tower from falling into the city below, the hero being pulled forward as the concrete crumbled under his feet. “I’M THE ONLY THING KEEPING THIS THING FROM FALLING!”

“That’s the problem with police types.” Ivy growled as she clenched her fist to shatter the vial. “They can never see the big picture.” Her vines lengthened, whipping out towards one helicopter and wrapping around the landing gear, she ordered her vine to yank sharply before releasing, thorns piercing the hull and sending the the helicopter off course, emergency warning systems blaring inside the craft as they prepared to make an emergency landing.

The last of the water tower’s supports failed, Spiderman being pulled forward with a yell, frantically webbing the tower and anchoring the other pieces to the top of the building, supports snapping under the weight of the water tower.

Spiderman was pulled towards the edge of the building, his feet braced against the ledge as he pulled before he was yanked clear off the building, the webbing supports groaning as the water tower continued to fall slowly forward.

“Bug boy!” Ivy willed her vines to grow between the space of the two buildings, acting to reinforce the net Spiderman had made to catch the water tower.

However with Ivy’s attention elsewhere the remaining helicopter shot another volley of tranquilizer darts, this time hitting Ivy where she had turned to help the web crawler, lodging in her calf, her upper thigh and the fleshy part of her side. She fell to the rooftop with a pained yell, her head cracking harshly against the pavement.

The helicopter landed, the spotlight on the vehicle blinding Ivy with white light her vision swimming as she saw a team of Shield agents filing out of the craft, silhouetted darkly in the light, their weapons trained on her and-

“Toodly doo! Toodly day!” Jervis Tetch stood in the middle of the shield team, he threw his mind control card excellently, each one landing behind the ear of an agent who immediately dropped their weapons, their faces and arms going slack.

“Ha!” The Mad Hatter put his hands to his hips and did a merry little jig on the rooftop, his buckteeth prominent in a shit-eating grin he was sending Poison Ivy’s way. “I knew there was a reason I came along on this little venture! Thought that ol’ Jervis Tetch would be useless now didn’t you? Thought he couldn’t do much in a battle? Didn’t you!” He chortled into the night, chin high. “Well you were WRONG!” He spun dramatically on the rooftop, silhouetted by the Shield helicopter spot light. “Well I do say that not only have I proven to be _incredibly useful_ I Jervis Tetch, have saved your life my dear!” He took a deep bow towards Ivy who was quickly losing consciousness. “You’re welcome!”

“Jervis.” Ivy growled, her head spinning, from the drugs or the knock to the head she couldn’t tell “If I wasn’t about to pass out I would strangle you.”

“Lady plant man?” Spiderman popped back up over the edge of the building. “Your vines will keep the water tower from falling for now and-” He caught sight of Ivy laying prone on the ground and quickly webbed over to her.

“Hey!” Spiderman hovered over her for a moment, he put a hand to the back of her head only to have it come back wet with blood. “Just a cut head wounds bleed a lot, you’ve been a little bit jostled but you’ll be fine.” He looked down at the tranquilizer darts “Ok I’m going to yank them out, fair warning this will suck.”

“Just do it.” Ivy groaned, her teeth gritted.

Spiderman took a hold of the one in her calf and yanked it out quickly, webbing the would it left with a bit of webbing, doing the same for the one in her thigh and side. Spiderman helped her to her feet, Ivy leaning heavily on him. “Can you walk?”

“I think so.” Ivy whispered quietly, her one arm around Spiderman’s shoulders as he walked her over to the helicopter. “My abilities allow me to metabolize toxins quicker than an average person, but I h-had-” Ivy stumbled and Spiderman struggled to keep her from falling before she slowly regained her footing. “-h-had a larger than average dose.”

“You’re not kidding.” Spiderman looked back at the tranquilizer darts strewn across the rooftop. “You took enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant.”

“I’ll be fine.” Ivy answered back quietly.

Killer Croc and Catwoman joined them on the rooftop. “Hey guys did we do it?” Killer Croc asked “Did you get one of their helicopters and-” He looked at the state Ivy was in as Spiderman led her into the helicopter and set her gently down onto one of the seats where she appeared to lose consciousness.

Catwoman turned to Tetch. “What happened to her?”

Mad hatter sighed. “Little Alice fell down a hole, bumped her head and bruised her soul.”

Catwoman sighed “Let’s just get out of here. Tetch, have your new goons fly us out of here.”

Hatter grinned, wide and disconcerting. He turned to the mind controlled Shield agents, all staring blankly at him. He snapped his fingers. “Oh oysters! Come walk with us!”

The Shield agents mindlessly followed the hatter, their eyes wide and faces expressionless.

Jervis led the little brain dead group to the helicopter. “The time has come, to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings! And Why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings!”

 

 

Harley and Deadpool were in the city, armed to the teeth with weapons taken from Deadpool’s storage unit as they stood on a nearby rooftop, shadowed by a nearby convenient pigeon coop as they surveyed the helicopters buzzing through the city.

Harley had a hard look on her face, her cheeks smudged with streaks of dark warpaint as well as another coat of her signature red and blue eyeshadow. She had borrowed one of Deadpool’s extra gun and katana harnesses, though instead of carrying a pair of katanas on her back she used the place to store her hammer. “See a ride we can borrow?”

Deadpool tracked one of the helicopters through the city with a pair of binoculars. “There’s a random hospital helicopter flying about which I’m not evil enough to steal, otherwise we just have to wait until one of them flies close enough to-” Deadpool paused as he peered in one of the helicopters flying past. “What the hell?”

Deadpool took the binoculars off his face and squinted before peering through them again. “....There’s some weird fuck with a top hat in that helicopter.”

“That’s not just any weird fuck with a top hat!” Harley gasped, taking the binoculars from Deadpool and looking through them. “That’s OUR weird fuck with a top hat!”

She hugged Deadpool and wiggled him back and forth. “That’s Hatter! If he’s there then maybe the rest of them will be in the helicopter!”

“Well!” Deadpool stood on the edge of the building, watching as the helicopter flew towards them inbetween the skyscrapers. “Lemme just go and say hi baby girl!” He jumped off the building just as the helicopter was passing through.  


 

“So how are we going to find Harley and Deadpool?” Killer Croc asked as he scanned the city below. “Or should we go to fight Joker and meet them there?”

Spiderman looked over at Poison Ivy who was still struggling to stay awake, slumped over in her seat. “Normally I would say we should meet them there but with your biggest hitter down for the count we might need another plan.”

“Ha!” Jervis turned to them with a smug look on his face. “She’s not the biggest hitter! I am!”

Catwoman rolled her eyes. “You mind controlled like...four guys calm down Tetch.”

The Shield agents under The Hatter’s control drooled slightly as the piloted the craft or sat placidly next to them. “Well I did a bang up job of it.” Jervis preened. “Or do you have the ability to create a mind controlled army?”

“Well Ivy did.” Catwoman gave him a look. “She could also do plant stuff and now she’s high as a kite on tranqs so maybe we need another PLAN.”

Spiderman sighed and pulled his phone from his pocket, not seeing the red shape falling towards them from above. “I’ll call Deadpool maybe he’ll-”

The red suited figure crashed onto the helicopter windshield causing the currently not brain-controlled occupants of the vehicle to scream.

“Oh hey baby boy.” Deadpool lounged across the mostly shattered windshield like a pin-up poster. “Long time no see. Did ya miss me?”

“Deadpool!” Spiderman gasped as Deadpool knocked the last of the glass away and crawled awkwardly in through the smashed windshield. “I was just about to call you! Where’s Harley?”

Deadpool pointed at a nearby building. “By that pigeon coop right there.”

“Curiouser and curiouser.” Hatter looked at Deadpool while he ordered his minions to land the helicopter. “So you are the Deadpool everyone has been talking about?”

“Oh hey!” Deadpool pointed a finger at The Mad Hatter “Alice in Wonderland!”

Jervis grinned. “Oh? So you’re a fan too?”

“Yup!” Deadpool nodded “Especially the 1976 porno version!”

The smile on Mad Hatter’s face fell as quickly as it had came, a dark look coming over him. “I will push you out of this goddamn helicopter mark my bloody words.”

Before the helicopter even fully landed onto the rooftop a black and red blur rocketed into the helicopter cab.

“Selena!” Harley had tears in her eyes as she hugged Catwoman.

Catwoman hugged her back. “It’s good to see you Harls.”

“Jones!” Harley let go only to wrap her arms around Killer Croc’s scaly neck.

Killer Croc smiled and hugged her back. “Glad to see you in one piece kiddo.”

“JERVIE!” Harley whirled around to the shorter man to hug him, lifting him right off the floor. “THERE’S OUR WEIRD FUCK IN A TOP HAT!”

“I’ll ignore that comment my dear as I am terribly glad to see you.” Jervis patted her on the back.

“RED I-” Harley turned to Poison Ivy only to see her slumped over in her seat. She huddled over to the other woman, on her knees before her she look Poison Ivy’s hand gently. “Red?”

“Harley…” Poison Ivy breathed out shallowly, opening her eyes blearily. “You’re ok….”

“Oh Red what happened to you?” Harley cupped her cheek, a frown on her face as she looked down at the wounds bound with webbing.

“I’m ok.” Ivy breathed, closing her eyes and leaning into the touch. “I’m ok….”

“Oh Red…” Tears were beading in Harley’s eyes again “I’m so sorry sweetpea…”

Poison Ivy didn’t answer, her head lolling back unconsciously.

Harley gave her a watery smile, running her thumb down Ivy’s cheek. “It’s ok hun, get some sleep…” She kissed her gently on the forehead.

Harley turned back to the rest of the people in the helicopter, with Killer Croc, Hatter, Catwoman, Harley, Deadpool and Spiderman as well as the four mind controlled Shield agents it was getting a bit crowded.

The wind from the broken windshield blew through Harley’s pigtails as she stared down her compatriots, a hard look in her eyes like a general preparing for battle.

“Alright.” She nodded at the conscious villains as well as Spiderman and Deadpool. “Welcome new members of team Black and Blue and Red all ovah.” The villains shared a confused look amongst themselves while Deadpool and Spiderman smiled.

Harley’s grin was like the safety being pulled back on a gun. “Let’s go fuck up Joker’s shit.”

 

 

Iron Man was on his phone as the odd rag-tag group of inter-dimensional heroes rode around the city in a disguised helicopter, trying to find a chink in the helicarrier defenses for them to break in and arrest the clown currently piloting it around town like it was a toy.

Bruce Banner was alseep in his lab, head pillowed by massive stacks of messy papers and a nearby monitor scanning the city for more inter-dimensional abnormalities, when his phone rang.

He snorted away with a start, knocking off half the papers as he fell to the floor. He popped up from the floor, scrambling for his phone. He put it to his ear. “Tony!” He exclaimed, suppressing a yawn. “I’ve been searching for more inter-dimensional abnormalities all night! So far nothing yet, what have you and Shield found?”

“Oh uh… Funny story.” Iron Man mused into the phone. “New thing that’s going on, you probably haven’t heard what with you being cooped up in the lab, but Shield was taken over by an insane clown and now there are warrants for all of our arrests.”

This was too much information to process having just woken up. “What? A clown? Like a literal clown?”

“Yeah…..” Iron Man shrugged “Think you can make it to the helicarrier orbiting the city and shooting missiles? Thanks you’re a doll buh bye.”

And with that Tony Stark hung up.

Bruce banner crossed over to the window of his lab, raising the blinds only to see the Shield helicarrier looming over the city, helicopters flying through the city like vultures.

“Tony what the goddamn fuck did you do?” Bruce sighed, reaching for his coat.  


 

Thor was sitting, the flicker of firelight playing across the broad angles of his face. His eyes were closed, breathing deeply. There were guttural chants echoing through the dimly lit space, a gong sounded.

His phone rang.

Without opening his eyes, Thor put the phone to his ear. “Stark. I am in the middle of something can it wait?”

“No can do bucko.” Iron Man sighed. “Shield has been taken over by a clown and there are warrants out for all of our arrests.”

That got Thor to open his eyes, his blond brows furrowing. “Truely? A literal Clown?"

“Yes an actual clown. Where even are you?”

“And now.” The woman in front rang a small gong, putting her hands together. “The warrior.”

Iron Man raised an eyebrow “What the fuck are you in the middle of some weird Asgardian ritual?"

“No.” Thor scoffed.

The woman in front rose up on one leg. “And we transition from the warrior pose to the tree pose.” She breathed out heavily, Thor and the rest of the class of mostly middle-aged white ladies following her instructions.

Thor still had his phone pressed awkwardly between his ear and shoulder. “I’m at a lovely midgardian affair called a ‘yoga’ or some sort.”

Iron Man rolled his eyes. “Just get to the Shield helicarrier.” before he hung up.

Thor looked at his phone. “How very rude.” He smiled apologetically to the teacher. “I’m so very sorry. That was work, I must go.”

“Very well.” The instructor nodded “Have a peaceful day.”

“Ha!” Thor chuckled as he got his coat. “No thank you. I have to go to a ship to beat up a clown.” He waved at the rest of the people as he left. “I hope you all have a glorious evening!”

“Bye!” The rest of the class called back amicably before turning back to the yoga instructor.

So engrossed they were that none of them noticed their classmate lift off the ground and into the sky just out the door.

  


Iron Man looked up from his phone “alright Nat they’re coming.”

Natasha smiled, a sly quirk to her lips. “Then let’s go clown hunting.”

  


Gary was a new Shield agent. He and his partner Andrew had been searching the city now for over an hour.

“Ugh…” Andrew grimaced from where he had been piloting his helicopter. “Why are we even doing this?”

Gary sighed, looking up from his binoculars “We have to fight the Avengers and find whoever this weird clown girl is.”

“Yeah but why?” The pilot answered back.

“Because Fury said so ok!” Gary shot back, just a bit defensive. “We’re not supposed to question his orders!”

“Whatever.” The pilot rolled their eyes under their helmet. “I gotta piss.”

Gary shot him a look “We’re SUPPOSED to be looking for the girl.”

“Well maybe the girl is in a public restroom you ever think of that?”

“In the MENS room?”

“You never know.”

“Ugh fine.” Gary ran a hand down his face. “Just make it quick.

They landed on a nearby rooftop, Andrew whistling as he strode over to a nearby pigeon coop.

Gary exited the helicopter after him. “Gross you’re just going to pee out in the open?”

“Yup.” Andrew walked over to the far side of the coop. “Keep an eye out ok?”

Gary sighed, leaning against the other side of the coop, his arms crossed testily as he listened to the sound of the other man undoing his fly and beginning to pee, whistling all the while.

“Oh hey you know this pigeon coop I’m peeing on?” Andrew started conversationally.

“You know its weird to talk to people while you’re going to the bathroom.” Gary rolled his eyes.

“My piss is going UNDERNEATH the pigeon coop, I think there's some kind of… hole underneath it.”

“Interesting.” Gary growled out in a way that meant he thought it was extremely not interesting. “Just get done with it ok?”

“Alright alright, hold your fucking horses you uptight little-”

Suddenly there was a dull thunk and the sound of gravel shuffling.

“Andrew?” Gary peered around the edge of the coop. “Are you alright? Did you-”

Gary turned back around only to come face-to-face with a gun.

The owner of the gun was silhouetted darkly in the moonlight,one yellow eye glowing. He stepped forward and Gary could see that one half of their face was grotesquely scarred, the moonlight sending deep shadows across their face.

“Hello young man.” Two-face clicked back the safety on their gun. “We need a ride.”  


 

Agent Coulson was a good agent with a long career in Shield. He didn’t generally question the Director’s orders, Fury was the type to plan far in advance for every eventuality, even the oddest-seeming orders were a part of some obscure design that paid off in the end.

Which is why he tried to keep that in mind when a stray missile hit the city water tower.

Agents were scrambling back and forth, receiving odd and often conflicting orders in the comm lines. Teams were being sent out with little to go on, no leads, no coordinates, not even specific intel to help them narrow down the search.

In short, it was a logistical nightmare.

Fury’s voice blared over the coms “KEEP LOOKING! SHE’S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE! SEARCH EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY!”

Coulson leaned back on the wall, frantic agents cross crossing in front of him like bees to serve a queen.

“ALSO SOMEONE BRING ME A SNACK.” Fury’s voice demanded over the line. “I COULD GO FOR SOMETHING SWEET. MAKE IT SNAPPY.

That’s it. Coulson peeled himself from the wall, heading over to Fury’s control room. Coulson knocked on the door, leaning in to listen. “Hello Sir?”

The Joker startled where he had been sitting in Fury’s chair. “Uh…” He coughed, lowing his voice to Fury’s gruff growl. “YES? THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”

“Sir it’s Coulson.” Coulson told the door. “Let me in I need to speak with you.”

The Joker looked to Fury’s unconscious body on the floor. “Uhhhh…. NO CAN DO SOLDIER….SECRET UH….SPY SHIT HAPPENING IN HERE.”

Coulson’s brow furrowed. “Well… I was wondering what specific intel you had that the Avengers were compromised.

“OH YOU KNOW.” The Joker carefully scrolled through the systems list on the ship, searching for internal security measures. “YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THE AVENGERS.YEAH….LOVE THOSE GUYS…... BUT I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE COMPROMISED AND SHIT.”

Coulson’s lips thinned to a harsh line. “Alright sir. We’ll find them.” Coulson went back to the main control room of the ship, agents still running in and out. He made a motion for people to pause.

Agents stopped their work, staring wide-eyed at Coulson.

Coulson mimicked taking his earpiece out of his ear, covering the microphone with a thumb.

The agents in the main control room nodded, following along.

When the last agent removed their earpiece Coulson sighed, hands on his hips. “Yeah….There’s no way in hell that’s Fury in there.”

“Shit…” One of the field techs whispered.

“Any way to kick him off the com line until we break in there?” Coulson asked.

“Fury made that booth to be impenetrable, with a separate internal broadcasting system in case the REST of the ship was compromised” One junior agent whispered fearfully. “We could cut off his coms but it would cut off the rest of our communications too.”

“Do it.” Coulson ordered.

“But sir!” One agent interjected “If you’re wrong?”

“I’m not.” Coulson gave them a look “Whoever that is in there said they loved the Avengers.”

The agents on the bridge winced. “....yeah…”

“Do it.” Coulson ordered. “Do it and help me get that goddamn door open.”  


 

Team Black and Blue and Red all over landed on the Helicarrier helipad. The mind-controlled agents drooling as they gently guided the helicopter to a stop. Hatter, Catwoman, Killer Croc, Spiderman and Deadpool filing out of the helicopter.

“Hey sis?” Deadpool leaned back into the helicopter. “You coming?”

Harley sat across from the unconscious Poison Ivy. “In a sec ok?”

Deadpool nodded, leaving the helicopter to give them some space.

“Hey sweetpea…” Harley gently laced her hand with Ivy’s, running her thumb across the other woman’s knuckles. She sniffed, a sad smile on her face as tears beaded in her eyes. “You came for me. Even across anotha dimension you came for me…” Harley frowned. “I’m sorry you got hurt cuz’ of me.” He cupped the unconscious Ivy’s cheek, playing with a strand of silky red hair. “You’re so good to me Red, always there for me.” Harley nodded to herself. “I’m going to make this up to you. I’m going to kick the Joker’s ass, I’ll take you to meet my daughter, and we can run away together, just me an’ you makin’ some kind of new life together.” Harley pressed a gentle kiss to Ivy’s lips. “I love ya butterbean. And if we make it out of this imma say it to ya while you’re awake.”

Harley combed back Ivy’s hair, buckled her into her seat and took off her jacket to blanket her before exiting the helicopter.

Harley Quinn stepped off the helicopter, a general preparing for war. Shield agents paused where they had been walking across the top of the helicarrier, refueling helicopters, loading missiles and other duties.

“Sup assholes.” Harley slung her hammer across her shoulder, Killer Croc and Catwoman flanking her on either side. “We’re here for some clown hunting.”

“IT’S THE GIRL!” One of the Shield agents pointed at her. Agents drew their guns.

“Fine then.” Harley twirled her hammer and frowned. “Do it the hard way why dontcha?”

There was an explosion of activity. Shield agents shot their weapons, sending sharp points of muzzle fire into the night. Killer Croc roared and charged into the line of fire, bullets bouncing off his hard hide, using himself as a shield for the others.

Catwoman and Harley used Killer Croc as a springboard, running up the jagged scales of his back and leaning over the Shield agents heads. Harley knocked a couple of agents down with her hammer, sending the armored soldiers sliding across the surface of the helipad. Catwoman cracked her whip, wrapping it around one agent and sending knocking him into a trio of other advancing agents.

“What was it again on how to knock people out without causin’ permanent damage?” Harley asked as she swung her hammer hard into another agent. “Crack the egg but not scramble it? Or was it scramble the egg but not crack it?”

“Scramble the egg!” Spiderman flipped over her, webbing a couple of agents together and throwing them up into the air. “Don’t crack the egg!”

Killer Croc caught the ball of webbing and agents, smashing it down onto a pile of crates like a basketball player making a trick shot. “KOBE!”

“Or yanno-” Deadpool whirled around his sister, taking a couple of bullets that had been aimed at her, quickly healing as he continued to fight. “Take a blade to the tendon at the back of their leg they ain’t fighting after that.” To illustrate his point he whirled like the blade on a blender through the crowd of agents, slashing tendons as he went, agents yelling and falling to their knees into splatters of their own blood.

Jervis Tetch was humming the oyster song to himself as he sipped on a cup of tea. Nobody quite knew where he got the tea, but there were more pressing issues at hand. He was so short and unassuming that agents focused on more obvious threats like Killer Croc’s claws or Harley’s hammer didn’t notice him until he had put a card behind their ear. Tetch was calmly working through the crowd, leaving slumped and drooling agents in his wake.

The Mad Hatter pulled a small knife out of his coat pocket, wandering over to the lines of helicopters still waiting to be used. “The sea was wet as wet could be, the sands as dry as dry…” He took another sip of tea as he studied the first helicopter, opening an access panel and peering inside.”You could not see a cloud, because no cloud was in the sky” He seemed to have found what he wanted, a sly grin spreading across his face as he jabbed the knife into the fuel line “No birds were flying overhead. There were no birds to fly.”

“What the hell…” Deadpool paused and looked out into the night sky around the helicarrier. He didn’t even look away as a couple of bullets struck him in the shoulder. Harley peered around to look at what he was looking at. “....Is that the hospital helicopter?”

The red and white hospital helicopter rose above the battlefield, the red flickering for a moment like the static on an old TV before giving out completely.

A dark shape loomed out of the helicopter, a cape fluttering in the breeze. White eyes narrowed as they scanned the battlefield.

Harley squeaked. “Oh crap it’s batsie.”

The dark knight dropped from the helicopter and into the battle, their cape billowing behind them like an omen. A couple of magnetic batarangs were slapped to the backs of shield agents before being activated, the agents yelping as they were forcibly clumped together.

Batman walked calmly towards Harley Quinn, the woman shrinking under his gaze. Deadpool stepped between the both of them.

Deadpool had his sword to Batman’s neck, the other man unflinching. “If you think you can just waltz in here and take her against your will you have another thing coming.” Deadpool growled, blood splatters across the front of him and soaking into the fabric of his suit, the gunfire lighting up the night behind him.

Batman narrowed his eyes. He looked around Deadpool and at Harley. “I’m glad to see that you’re safe.” He gave Deadpool an appraising look. “Do you need help?”

“It’s alright…. like being here with my brother.” Harley told him over Deadpool’s shoulder.

Batman nodded. “Are you here to help The Joker?”

Harley shook her head. “No...I’m here to kick his ass.”

Batman smiled, a wry twist to his lips. “Good.” He turned away from the both of them, going back into the fight. “We’re going to Fury’s bunker. Stay on our tail and you might get your chance.”

Deadpool stared at where Batman had left. “Ok I’m somewhere between fuck that guy and I’d _fuck_ that guy.”

Batgirl was in the middle of tying a couple of shield agents together with her own batarang, Natasha with her electric gauntlets next to her when she saw Batman head towards the door leading into the inside of the helicarrier. “Hey bats! Where ya going?”

“To the control room.” Batman answered back.

Iron Man flew over the fray, using his repulsor beams to knock back a couple of agents. “Eh makes sense.” He landed and trotted over to the thick iron door. “Let me get the door for you.”

Captain America defected a couple of bullets off his shield. “What are we doing?”

Harley Quinn threw a bomb into the middle of battle, agents yelling and rushing off to the side as a pile of crates exploded. The fire catching the fuel from the helicopters Mad Hatter damaged. Harley flew through the air, whooping with laughter.

Captain America caught her in his arms, seemingly surprised that a clown girl dropped from the sky.

“Oh hey!” Harley looked up at him while she caught her breath. “You must be the star-spangled sassypants!”

Captain America’s brows raised. “The what now?”

Harley eyed his pectorals. “Betcha you can pack a lotta freedom into them bongos. She slapped his chest like a drum. “Bom bom.”

Iron Man was cutting through the steel door, the metal glowing a hot white.

  


The Joker was in Fury’s control room, watching the video feeds around him unfold with thinly restrained panic. He listened to what sounded like an explosion outside.

Crap.

He scrolled through a blueprint of the helicarrier as well as a list of inner security features, engaging all of them and setting a timer as he calculated how quickly he could make it to the escape pods.

There was another explosion and a metallic shriek “WHAT’S GOING ON OUT THERE?” He growled in Fury’s voice. “ANSWER ME!”

In the main control room of the helicarrier Coulson drew a finger across his neck as the signal. The techs in the main control room cut off the fake fury’s signal.

The coms suddenly went dead. Joker shook took the earpiece out of his ear and shook it. “Piece of shit!” He growled. He sighed. “Oh well. There out there and I’m in here.”

Fury stood up from where he had been on the ground. He had his hand to his damaged eye, blood trickling down his bottom lip as he snarled at The Joker. “You’re gonna fuckin’ wish you were out there when I’m done with you.” He raised his fist. “Give me back my eyepatch you son of a bitch!”

The Joker looked back at him with wide panicked eyes, Fury’s eyepatch still around his forehead. “Oh….poop.”  


 

There was a roar that made every person on the helicarrier pause. Through the night sky a large green object parted through the fog, landing so heavily onto the helicarrier, making the entire construct shake. He roared, sending a gust of wind that tousled people’s hair and uniforms.

“Holy shit.” Killer Croc stared, his scaly brows raised. “I’m not the biggest green thing here anymore!”

“It’s alright.” Captain America assured Batman and Batgirl who had suddenly gone wide-eyed. “He’s an Avenger.”

“THAT-” Batgirl pointed at Hulk who walk walking towards them. “IS AN AVENGER?”

“WHAT STARK DO NOW?” Hulk demanded as he trudged onto the scene.

Iron Man gave him an affronted look. “Oh so you’re so sure that it’s my fault?”

“ALWAYS STARK FAULT.” Hulk countered.

“Just help me get this door off you giant green jerk!”

Hulk ripped the already half cut through Iron slab of a door right off the wall, taking a sizable chunk of the structure with it. He then grabbed Iron Man and threw him out into the night.

“You know!” Iron man floated back up to the edge of the helicarrier “If I couldn’t fly I would be a little bit cross with you right now.”

Thor floated up next to Iron Man, his hammer in one hand and a starbucks in another. “Good morrow Stark.” He greeted, taking a sip of something that smelled like pumpkin spice. “What did I miss?”

“Thor!” Captain America greeted. “It’s good to see you!”

“Thor?” Batgirl asked. “Like is that a codename or-”

“Nope.” Iron Man landed back onto the helicarrier. “Actual Thor.”

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME.” An Batgirl growled at Iron Man “That you’ve had this GIANT GREEN MONSTER TRUCK and an ACTUAL GOD on your team and I’ve been having to deal with YOU instead?”

“Hulk not truck.” Hulk protested mildly. “Hulk green and Hulk monster, but Hulk not _truck_.”

“Hey!” Iron Man scoffed. “I’m way cooler than them!”

Thor patted his shoulder, taking another sip of latte. “No you’re not.”

The heroes peered into the exposed hallway just in time to see The Joker rush out of a doorway, an irate Nick Fury hot on his heels.

“THAT MOTHERFUCKER!” Fury yelled. “HAS MY EYEPATCH!”

“THERE HE IS!” Deadpool pointed his sword down the hallway. “GET HIM!”

Joker Shrieked and ran down the hallway, a conga line of mismatched inter-dimensional heroes and villains following him down the helicarrier catwalks. He looked to his watch, counting down the seconds until-

There was a flashing red light before the iron doors that segmented the crosswalk began to slide down. Joker whooped and hollered, sliding through the narrow gap under the door to the vehicles bay before it closed like a baseball player sliding into third place.

“HAHA!” Joker rose from the ground and laughed, dusting off his pants. “Another slim escape from The Clown Prince of Crime!”

He turned only to see a gun in his face, the safety being pulled back.

Two-Face stepped into the light. “Hello Joker.” He greeted coldly.

Joker looked behind him to see Two-Face’s purloined helicopter, the pilot tied up next to it.

“Good show man!” Joker smiled. “Look at you! Minion of the year! Ready with an escape plan!”

Joker moved towards the helicopter but Two-face stopped him. “Change of plans Joker.” His voice changed to the gruff growl of Big Bad Harv. “We’re gonna put a bullet in your head.”

“Oh but Two-face…” The Joker chastised. “The coin already spoke FOR you! You had a decision remember? Helping me or not and the coin CHOSE for you to help me!”

“We’re not using the coin anymore.” Two-Face spoke together. “We’re done with that. We’ve come up with a new plan.”

The Joker’s smile fell, backing away from Two-Face. “No…”

“That’s right.” Two-Face grinned. “We decide what’s best for us, and WE’VE decided-” They aimed the gun in between Joker’s eyes “That the world will be a better place without you in it.”

The pressed the gun harshly into his forehead. “Harley is too good for you, you sack of shit-”

The Iron door blew open, the door knocking into Two-Face and sending him to the ground, a hammer flying into the space. Joker took that as his cue to run deeper into the vehicles bay.

“Hello!” Thor greeted as he entered the space, stepping on Two-Face’s back accidentally for a moment before the other man groaned. He lifted the iron door off of him.

“Two-Face!” Harley chirped.

“Two-dick-mc-coin-flippy-guy!” Deadpool greeted just as cheerfully.

“HEY!” Nick Fury thundered past the, a spotted pink handkerchief now replacing his eyepatch for the time being. “STOP THAT CLOWN!”

The Joker was already half-way up one of Shield’s tanks. He squeaked and quickly scrambled up to the top, throwing himself down the hatch.”

“Joker.” Batman stepped in front of the group. “Get out of there.”

The Joker popped up the hatch for a moment like a gopher in a hole. “No!”

“GET OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING TANK!” Fury added, a little less intimidating than usual earing the pink handkerchief instead of his usual eyepatch.

“No!” The Joker popped up again. “I don’t have to listen to you! I’m in a tank and you’re not!”

A hammer thrown at the tank made Joker squeak and retreat down into the hole one last time. He engaged the tank, the joysticks in both gloved hands as he turned on the missile system.

“POP GOES THE WEASEL!” Joker Shrieked as he fires off the first rocket.

 

Iron Man captured it in his hands and turned it around by force, the metal of his iron man suit glowing hot where the flame of the rocket passed against it. He pointed it back at the tank and let it go.

“Oh poop.” The Joker paled as his tank was ripped apart. The mad man was thrown from the vehicle, bruised and bloodied as he crawled past the flaming wreckage.

Iron Man had his hands to his hips as he looked smugly at Batgirl. "Told you I was cooler than them."

Batgirl rolled her eyes.

Harley stepped placidly in front of the Joker as he tried to crawl from the wreckage.

“Harley!” The Joker smiled. “Baby! Sugar cakes!”

Harley frowned down at him.

The Joker clutched her legs desperately. “Tell em’ it’s all a mistake babydoll! Tell em I’m the hero here! Batman has turned them all against me!”

Harley kicked him off. “You’re disgustin’ mistah J. A real lowlife, the scum in the bottom of the barrel.”

The Joker snarled at her, blood coloring his teeth and dripping down his chin. “You’re nothing without me you bitch.”

Harley leaned down over the bloodied Joker. “No Mistah J, you’re a parasite.” She kicked him back with a boot. “A barnacle on my boat, shit on my shoes, just a piece of filth that latches on to whoever is around and sucks the life outta them.” She kicked him hard in the stomach, The Joker spitting out a spray of blood.

“I’m done with ya Mistah J.” Harley turned from him. She waved at the heroes “Do with him what ya will.”

“Maybe so... If I am just a life sucking parasite...” The Joker watched her leave for a moment, something snapping in his mind. A knife was pulled from his sleeve. “Then what makes you think you can get away from me alive?”

He lunged for her his knife out and-

A vine whipped across the hangar, knocking the Joker into the steel of the wall, the villain finally slumping over unconscious.

Harley turned to where the vine had shot from. “Red!”

Ivy was in the doorway to the hangar, holding her injured side. “Hey butterbean.” She smiled warmly as she limped into the room. “I love you too.”

 

 

Fury having gotten his eyepatch back from The Joker was back to ordering about his agents, helping to clean up the rubble from the fight and undo what the Joker had done when he had been in the Shield computer systems.

Fury shook his head as he scrolled through the ship’s system list. “The fucker changed all of my settings the evil BASTARD.”

“Hey!” Batgirl pointed at where Mad Hatter was about to put another mind control card on an agent. “Stop that!” She ripped them from his hands. “You’re not getting these back! Go join the rest of the villains and we’ll go home!”

The Mad Hatter pouted but did as she said.

Batman walked over to where Harley, Deadpool and Poison Ivy were sitting, Harley between the two of them, leaning against Deadpool while holding Ivy’s hand. Spiderman was off to the side, sending them glances but trying to remain professional.

“Harley.” Batman greeted.

“Hey Batsie.” Harley whispered back.

“Are you ready to go home?” Batman asked.

Harley nodded softly.

Deadpool turned to her. “Are you sure baby girl? You could keep living in our apartment.” He wrapped a hand around her shoulders. “We haven’t gotten through our Disney movie marathon yet. We could order pizza…” He hugged her closer, tears beading in his eyes and wetting the fabric of his mask. “...I’ll even let you put pineapple on it…” He whispered “I’ll only complain a little bit I promise.”

Harley hugged him back. “It’s ok Wade.” She kissed him on the forehead. “I think I’ll be alright now cuz a you.”

She turned back to Batman. “But before you take me back to Arkham is it ok if I ask for a favor? There’s something I gotta do.”

She took Deadpool’s hand and squeezed it for a moment. She looked back at him, her face grim but determination shining through her eyes. “I’ll need you on this one Mistah D.”

Deadpool gave her a firm hug. “Anytime Harley….anytime.” He kissed her gently on the forehead. And just because Wade Wilson can’t have any tender moment without ruining it he whispered-

“If she wants the D then she’ll get it.”

Harley laughed.

 

 

Harley and Wade stepped through a shimmering blue portal into Harley’s dimension, Poison Ivy following close behind. Batman and Spiderman followed, Batman as Harley and Ivy’s escort and Spiderman as Deadpool’s.

It was a cheery-looking suburb in a small town about a half-day’s trip away between Gotham towards Metropolis. It reminded Deadpool of the neighborhood that he had Ellie stashed in. Petunias were growing in the planters lining the front entrance and a playskool plastic bike was abandoned on the front yard. There was a large grassy backyard on a humped hill, the sort of gentle hill Harley remembered loving to roll down as a kid, the sun kissing her skin and the grass in her hair. The barest hint of the sunrise was starting to peek above the houses.

Harley gave the toy a hard look, taking a deep breath.

Deadpool squeezed her hand and she smiled at him gratefully. “It’s ok.” He whispered. “I’ll be right outside for you.”

Harley nodded at him, hesitantly letting go of his hand and walking up the front doorway. Her finger hovered over the doorbell for a moment. She looked back at Deadpool and Ivy.

Ivy Nodded back at her, Deadpool sending her a grin and a thumbs up.

Harley smiled and pushed the doorbell.  


 

Charleen Quinzel was a young career woman, a medical name tag clipped to her coat and dark smudges under her eyes. The coffee machine was bubbling out a fresh pot of coffee. She had her blonde hair tied into a neat bun as she packed her adopted daughter’s lunch for preschool.

She yawned “Lucy what do you want for breakfast?”

A tiny pale hand peeked up over the counter, driving a toy truck wearing a barbie’s tutu across the granite. “Pancakes!” She chirped.

The doorbell rang and Charleen tapped over to the door. “We don’t have time for pancakes. Who is coming here so early that-”

Charleen ripped the door open. “We’re not interested in any pamphlets so just-” She paused when she saw her sister Harley staring back at her, bloodied and scratched up, smelling like gasoline. “Harley?”

Harley shrugged and waved awkwardly. “Hiya sis.”

Her sister suddenly looked panicked. “Is the Joker here? Why is Batman on our lawn? Who the hell is THAT guy?” She squinted and pointed at Deadpool.

Deadpool waved back.

Charleen grimaced. “What the hell is he supposed to be? A ladybug?”

“No I’m done with the Joker.” Harley took her sister’s outstretched hand gingerly. “I’m done with him for good with time Charley.” She swallowed hard. “...I wanna see Lucy.”

Her sister looked back at her, an incredulous chortle escaping from her mouth, ripping her hand back from Harley. “So you think you can just leave your daughter on my doorstep and come back THREE YEARS later like nothing happened? Just take her back like-like-” She shook her head “You fucking-”

“No Charley.” Harley shook her head. “I know...I know I did wrong by both you and her. I wasn’t in a good place and I’m still not-” Harley’s mouth was pinched as she looked away. “-I’m still not...completely back to better….I ain’t ever gonna be the way I was again but…” Harley gave her a meaningful look. “I wanna be better. I wanna be something in your lives again.”

Tears were beading in Charleen’s eyes. She struggled not to burst into tears. “I missed you.”

Harley gave her a hug. “I missed you too big sis.”

Charleen wiped her tears and sniffed. “Lucy has to go to daycare in a bit but…” She wiped her smudging mascara. “Why don’t you have breakfast with us?”

Harley nodded, giving her sister a watery smile. “...I’d like that.”

Harley walked into the suburban home and was greeted by a tiny little girl. Harley froze in her tracks, staring that the little girl who looked up at her.

She was about three years old, wearing a striped sweater and a tutu. Her blonde hair was pulled into two scraggly pigtails on either side of her head. She had The Joker’s large green eyes, staring back at Harley quizzically.

“Hi miss lady.” The little girl cocked her head. “Who are you?”

Harley and Charleen shared a frantic look for a moment.

Charleen looked to the side. “Your uh…”

“Aunt!” Harley supplied, Charleen sending her a grateful look. “I’m your aunty!”

“Oh!” Lucy padded over to Harley, looking up at her. “I ain’t never had an aunty before.”

Harley huffed out a laugh. “You mom just ordered me from the aunt store.”

Charleen groaned and elbowed her in the ribs.

Lucy’s eyes widened “You can DO that?”

Harley shook her head. “No uh…” She leaned down to Lucy’s level. “...A mean man was keeping me from visiting.”

Lucy nodded “Oh! Was he a REAL MEAN man?”

Harley nodded somberly “Yeah...He was a real mean man.”

Lucy reached up to pat Harley on the cheek. “I know whats you mean. Jason sometimes steals my joos box.”

Harley gasped, a hand to her chest. “The fiend!”

Lucy giggled.

Harley smiled fondly down at her. “You know I was a bit worried about seeing you...Seeing his green eyes outta your head… they looked real mean on him.” She put a fingertip to Lucy’s nose. “But on you they look like the sweetest eyes in the whole world.”

Lucy giggled and batted her hand away. “What are you TALKIN’ about miss aunty lady?”

Harley snorted. “Nothin.” She grinned “Hey want me to make you breakfast?”

Lucy smiled “Yes please! Do ya know how to make pancakes?”

“You know I didn’t used to.” Harley took her daughter’s hand and led her to the kitchen “But my brother taught me how to do it.”

“I gots an uncle too?” Lucy grinned, showing an adorable gap between her front teeth.

Charleen gave Harley a confused look.

“Sure do!” Harley chirped. “But these things have to be taken slow yanno? Hey. What would you like in your pancakes?” Harley twirled the pan in her hands “Chocolate chips? Or blueberries?”

Lucy thought for a good long moment. “....Cans I have chocolate chips AND blue burries?”

Harley smiled warmly down at her. “Well whaddaya know…” She whispered “A girl after my own heart.”

 

 

Eventually Charleen and Lucy had to go to work and daycare respectably. Charleen wiped the last of the chocolate and blueberries from Lucy’s mouth with a wet wipe as they hurried out the front door.

Harley came out after them, watching Charleen load Lucy into her car seat fondly. “By miss aunty lady!” Lucy called out. Charleen sending Harley a fond look as she got into the driver’s seat. 

Lucy yelled out the window as they began to pull out of their driveway. “Come to my dance recital aunty lady!”

Harley waved back happily. “I’d love to Lucy!”

Lucy waved at Batman as they began to drive away. “Bye Ba-man!”

Batman waved back because you had to wave at toddlers who waved at you.

It’s the law.

Harley rushed down the front steps into Deadpool’s arms. “Wade! Wade I did it! She’s such a good little kid! I love her so much!” Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she clutched onto his suit, soaking the fabric where she tucked her head into his shoulder. “Thank you so much…”

“I knew you could do it Harley.” Wade hugged her back as she sobbed “I’m so proud of you.”

He pulled back to look fondly down at her, the sun beginning to rise in the neighborhood, sending shocks of warm yellow light across their faces. He pulled up his mask, taking a phone and a pair of headbuds out of a belt pocket.

“I think we should celebrate.” Deadpool smiled down at her, his scarred face beaming with joy as he handed her an earbud. “Be the Skylar Grey to my Macklemore?”

Harley snorted out a laugh even as she accepted the ear bud. “Y’aint no Macklemore Mistah D.”

Deadpool laughed. “Harsh.”

[He pressed play.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M55lk5svVI4)

Harley had her arms around his shoulders, the both of them swaying together as the music played. Light streamed through the neighborhood, settling warmly across their faces and shoulders like a kiss, like a promise, like a new chance.

“I’m feeling glorious, glorious.” Harley whispered in time to the song, leaning her head against Deadpool’s shoulders. “We’ve got a chance to start again.”

“We were born for this, born for this.” Deadpool whispered back, raising one of her hand to press a gentle kiss to her knuckle. “It’s who we are, how could we forget?”

Deadpool twirled her gently, golden light flooding around them and setting the world ablaze in soft gold. “We made it through the darkest of the night, now we’ll see the sun rise.”

“I feel glorious, glorious….” Harley whispered, pulling away from him. She smiled, the tears on her cheeks catching the morning sun and glittering like diamonds. She swallowed hard, looking back at Deadpool like the hero he was to her.

“Thank you big brother.” Harley smiled.

Deadpool smiled down at her. “Anytime lil’ sis.”

Spiderman’s eyes widened “Wait what?”

“Red!” Harley turned from Deadpool back to Ivy. She cupped the other woman’s head in her hands. “Let’s go straight.”

Ivy snorted. “What?”

Harley huffed well not straight _straight_ you know what I mean.” She looked at Ivy pleadingly. “Next time we break out of Arkham-”

Batman sighed. “You know I’m right here.”

Harley ignored him ”-let’s be done with it, all of it, the crimes, everything! Take a family vacation somewhere warm away from Gotham, only coming back to visit Lucy and Wade and the gang.”

Poison Ivy smiled. She turned into Harley’s hand and pressed a kiss to the palm. “I’d like that, butterbean.”

Deadpool engaged his portal again. Waving back at Harley. “By little sis!”

Harley waved back. “Bye big brother! Come visit or I’ll scratch through the space time separating our dimensions and kick your ass myself!”

Deadpool snorted. “Will do!”

Spiderman rubbed the back of his neck as the two of them stepped through the portal. “Hey Wade?”

“Yeah baby boy?” Deadpool asked.

Spiderman looked away shyly. “When we get back...can we have a talk?”

“Sure thing baby boy.” Deadpool smiled. “Sure thing.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading this fic and staying with me to the end! This had been a real ride! 
> 
> Please comment if you enjoyed and check out the rest of the series!
> 
> Let me know if you want an epilogue!

**Author's Note:**

> Omg The Joker is gonna be so mad when he finds out.
> 
> Howdy! If y'all enjoyed please leave a comment down below! Also if you're interested please check out my other deadpool series "Take your daughter to Work day" or "Deadpool knows he'sin a fanfic"
> 
> Comment on me like one of your french girls!


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